10 Reasons to Hate Moths
Hi everyone, Jay Swanson here. This is an
adaptation of a blog post I wrote just over a year ago, which was an adaptation of a Twitter
rant I went on just a few months before that. I wrote this when I was in a place in Africa
that mandated I sit outside to use the internet. Actually, I could sit inside but the number
of openings in the walls and amount of bird poop on the floors made it feel like it was
outside. In either case, the moths were a pest with which to be reckoned. So, with no
further adieu, here are ten reasons why I hate moths. You can make up your own minds.
Reason number 1. Moths are imposters. That’s right. People often ignorantly associate
moths with their better-known cousin, the butterfly. The thing is, butterflies are gentle,
beautiful creatures that flutter gently in the breeze and brighten your day. Moths are dirty, heavy, dusty creatures that
would take your wallet as soon as spit on you. Both of which they’re attempting to
do every time they flop by. They’re evil and annoying.
Reason number 2: They love to hit you in the face.
I don’t know what it is about moths, but they have this terrible tendency to flutter
into your face. And it isn’t ever the soft, gentile touch that we so regularly associate
with butterflies. Flutter is probably the wrong word. They flap and smack you in the
face repeatedly whenever they get the chance. And they don’t go away. It’s like they’re
searching desperately to escape a fire and you’ve got massive “emergency exit”
signs plastered on your forehead. Not to mention they do it so hard that they
often wound themselves. Fatally. And then they expect your pity!
Reason number 3: They get dust on everything. Why on God’s green Earth are they covered
in dust? That seems like reason enough to hate them, but in the end it’s not for me
to judge what you cover yourself in. Just don’t get it on me! It’s like having some
scrub for a neighbor that’s never heard of soap come over at random and rub himself
on your furniture. Thank God moths don’t smell like your hobo neighbor. In reality
they probably do, but thankfully are too small to register in the olfactory senses.
Reason number 4: They flutter all over your computer screen
If you’re in a fairly dark area there’s a good chance a moth is attempting to hump
the living daylights out of your computer screen right now. I couldn’t tell you why
it’s so infatuated with your screen, but it’s probably obstructing your view as you
watch this very video. There are few things as annoying as that. When you’re focused
on something like your computer and there’s something hovering around and interfering
with your ability to see. You might as well have someone walk by and dangle a hotdog in
front of the screen. They should probably hit your computer with the hotdog too because
moths like to fly as hard as they can into things as if they were trying to enter another
dimension. You might as well hit yourself in the face
with that hotdog while you’re at it because you know that moth is coming for you.
Reason number 5: They obstinately refuse your help.
For something so small and stupid you should have an easy enough time getting it out the
door, right? Wrong. Because odds are they’re huge, heavy, and make weird buzzing noises
whenever you get close. And they bounce. I’ve tried to hunt down moths for hours before.
And every time you hit them they just bounce away behind something to hide. It takes an
elaborate system of well timed pushes and pulls on available objects to flush them out
from wherever they are (which is never where you expect). Then of course you have to overcome
your stark terror when it flies directly at your face long enough to bat it down again
in self defense. Which, of course, leaves you in the “finding moth” phase again.
You try to usher it out into the back yard peacefully, but every time it gets within
inches of the threshold it darts back into the room. By the time you get it out into
the wild again it’s mortally wounded. Expecting your pity. Flopping around on the porch like
you were trying to do this to it the whole time. Ugh…
Reason number 6: They leave a mess if you do kill them.
So you’ve given up on getting it out the door peacefully and have decided just to end
everyone’s suffering and kill it. Well not without leaving a mess. It’s like moths
are built to encourage you to kill them with every excruciating motion and yet discourage
you from doing just that with the results. Not only do they leave a dust trail across
your computer screen and around your ear (a choice location for repeated visits), but
as soon as you give them even the most gentle thwack you’re rewarded with a disproportionate amount of
brightly colored guts. How God packed that much goo into each and every moth I’ll never
know. In the end they put Gushers to shame (and now you’ll never look at those things
the same again). Reason number 7: You can’t kill them, and
feel satisfied. Why? Not because the act doesn’t deserve
satisfaction. I mean you started out out trying to save its life and in return it hit you
in the face about ten times. No, it’s because there’s always some overly-conscientious
animal lover nearby. Someone who would stop using anti-bacterial soap if they realized
the massacre that resulted from each hand washing. It’s because the hottest girl in
the room happens to see you smash that dirty moth, and you smile. And when you make eye
contact she looks at you like you’ve stepped over that line that only professional assassins
and payday loan dealers ever cross. Reason number 8: They sense vacuums in moth
space. Even if you do manage to kill one and avoid
the inevitable lecture that’s lurking around the corner, there is an infinite number of
moths waiting to replace their fallen comrades. They rarely show up all at once. No. They
hang out in solitude or, at most, with a partner. Their plan? To annoy the hell out of you.
Then, when you’ve finally gotten them back outside or, heaven forbid, killed them, two
more pop up. They usually give you a few minutes of respite to let you settle back down. To
begin to appreciate your peace and calm. Get back into your book. And then BAM! They
smack you in the face and you’re back to square one.
Reason number 9: They’re terrifying This could fit anywhere, but my buddy Jeff will
be the first to admit that the right moth at the right time will scare the living daylights
out of you. In fact, he’ll admit that any moth will scare him at any time anywhere.
When we were painting our house a few years ago he had to take a two-hour break because
of a buzzing-moth incursion. But anyone caught off guard will jump out of their skin at the
random appearance of a moth. And of course, that random appearance usually has fallout.
Like it dive-bombs you, bounces off your face, and lands in your food. Flops around for a
while, then disappears. Your food is ruined. You have a fresh stain in your pants. And
all you want to do is kill… kill… kill… Then you try to go to the bathroom to clean
up, turn on the light, and BAM– moth attack. It hits you in the face. You scream and roll around on the ground like
you’re on fire. It finds a new place to hide. And the cycle continues.
Reason number 10: They’re ridiculously stupid We all hate stupid people to some degree.
You might not hate them, that’s a strong word, but they certainly frustrate all of
us. Even stupid people get annoyed by stupid people. Moths are the Jersey Shore of the
animal kingdom. Next time a moth is trying to get out of your house, open a window. It’ll
find the glass pane alright, but I promise it won’t find that opening for at least
six minutes. If you try to help it, odds are it will just slap you in the face and wander
back towards your tasty tasty clothing. I didn’t even mention clothing!
Reason number 11: Moths eat your clothes! I mean, COME ON! As if slapping me around,
getting dust on my computer, ruining my food, and scaring the poo right out of me wasn’t
enough. Now you have to go hide in my closet and eat my shirt? This is one of those sneak
attacks that you might not even attribute to the moth. You’ll be half-way through
your job interview before you realize that the interviewer is staring at your chest.
And you’re a guy. And then you realize that you have holes in your nice button-up shirt
where cloth should be covering your nipples. Granted you should have realized this BEFORE
you walked out of the door. But how often do you really check for these things? And
you won’t even think to blame the moth. You’ll blame your shirt-eating roommate
who you knew you should have kicked out when the lease was up… Granted, if that happened you could probably
get the job just by threatening to sue for sexual harassment. Though odds are a moth
would get into the judge’s chambers and annoy him into having you held in contempt
of court. I’m telling you, moths are jerks. They’re
out to get you. So get your shotguns. It’s moth season.
If you liked this video, be sure to share it with the world because, I mean, let’s be
honest, we all need to be on the lookout for moth attacks. Share it on Facebook, share
it on wherever, like it, you know, subscribe on YouTube, comment, be my friend, let’s hang
out, and let’s fight the moth invasion together. Because, everyone’s worried about zombies,
but the real danger is the moths.