Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt


Male Speaker: Captain Actual America
is overweight and hopelessly in debt. A weird glitch causes the Amazing Spiderman
to reboot in the middle of the movie. And the Richie Rich comic strip introduces
a new, even gayer character. As if you needed another reason to remain
in your isolated degenerative cocoon this is The Onion weekend review, comics edition.
Sources confirmed Tuesday that the comic book and Sci-Fi Expo Comic Con was once
gain marred by Bully-Con, an increasingly popular event held in the same convention space.
Now in its fifth year Bull-Con reportedly drew more than 125,000 tormenters from across
the nation all of whom were bent on beating up and torturing those attending
the Mini Comic Book, Television, and Movie Panels at Comic-Con.
Marty Badolato: Who got it started? It was just a couple of friends who wanted
to beat the shit out of some Josh Waddy fans but now there are thousands
of us ruined and walking dead panels, taunting Harry Potter nerds and really
making some video gamers’ lives completely miserable. I don’t necessarily need to travel to San
Diego to slap a copy of Spiderman out of some pussy’s hands but there’s something
really special about coming together with people who dig the same sort
of thrill that you do. Male Speaker: Frustrated Superman fans
told reporters Monday that economically healthy and financially stable Daily
Planet newspaper is now the most unrealistic aspect of the comic book’s
universe, acknowledging that enjoying the adventures of a super hero that can fly,
lift cars over his head, and shoot beams of light out his eyes requires
some suspension of disbelief. Long time readers said even the comic’s
most exciting stories are regularly ruined by the implausibility of a thriving
daily newspaper who’s advertising revenue and circulation numbers have not at all been
threatened by a media landscape overtaken by laptops, Smart phones, and aggregation websites. Richard Taft: Look, I can play along
with Superman using his breath to freeze a volcano or clapping his hands together to
cause some sort of sonic boom but seeing images of a thriving Daily Planet newsroom
not facing layoffs or dwindling home subscriptions just really takes
me out of the story. No one in Metropolis realized they could
get news online faster and for free? Male Speaker: Local man Todd Bogen expressed
mild annoyance Friday as he was interrupted by an incoming phone call from
his wife while trying to read a Swamp Thing comic, claiming that
he was “a little busy” Bogen hurried though the conversation with
the woman he loves and is committed to spending his life with to get back to issue
39 of the comic book in which Swamp Thing is decapitated by a humanoid fish monster.
Todd Bogen: Yes, okay, Honey. You know I’m really busy right
now actually so just get whatever, yes, okay, Honey, I’ve really got to go.
Male Speaker: And in this week’s Op-Ed Pages the Green Lantern says his six flags
roller coaster fails to capture the spirit of his heroic adventures.
In other news an area man has always had a soft spot for Puck, the owner of
an independent comic book store is not quite sure how he’s still in business, and the
2012 Marvel Handbook casually reveals that Peter Parker is uncircumcised.
What follows this video could very well be a 10-minute sneak preview of next week’s
The Dark Knight Rising but probably not. For more visit theonion.com/newsbeat.

100 comments on “Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt”

  1. i p says:

    Thor in Endgame???

  2. Matt M. says:

    i mean they were pretty close

  3. 300 subscribers With one video says:

    They predicted thor

  4. Yagi Shokoroki says:

    You look like melted ice cream

  5. Silber Sterne says:

    Did this predict Endgame? Or did Endgame copy this?

  6. Tentacle Sama says:

    I actually high key agree with the Superman part. Why is the newspaper still thriving?????

  7. Flame Punch says:

    Dont you mean thor in 2023

  8. Ethan Wait says:

    And the future was predicted again, by ONN!

  9. Titus Standing says:

    Endgame spoilers jeeezzzzzz

  10. alanimations says:

    Thor would like to know your location

  11. Trey GC says:

    Since Captain America wailed Mjolnir, and became Thor, The Onion predicted Thor in Endgame.

  12. PersonMan of Bacon says:

    So close

  13. That Random Guyーさん says:

    I saw Gordon Ramsey at bully-con. He beat the shit out of this vegan guy. So cool.

  14. Luis Calderon says:

    Guess that's why he is called "America's Belly"

  15. Kahanu Morales says:

    0:07 the funniest part is 3 more different spidermans have come out since this video was posted

  16. Jose H says:

    0:44
    “When it got started it was just a couple of friends trying to beat the shit out of some Joss Whedon fans”
    lol

  17. uppercut grandma says:

    We need bully con more than ever..

  18. SpottedStripe says:

    Whata bunch of fuckin' nerds.

  19. Serious Face says:

    THIS FEELS REAL!

  20. Gustav Gnöttgen says:

    Hey, rude! He's comfortable, and the debt ain't his own fault!
    And now, the weather.

  21. Malcom S says:

    How daily planet is still a thriving news organization is a legitimate concern for all of us. I mean why hasn't Lex single-handedly brought them down by continuously shouting fake news?

  22. Littleton says:

    I’d love to go to bully con. Nothing worse than cringe faggot dweebs / awkward pedophiles

  23. Demetrios Bell says:

    Watched this right before the grabbler sketch. Now I know what we must do.

  24. al videos says:

    Bully con XD

  25. Prometheus says:

    2:45 Weird how the word "uncircumcised" seems to suggest that what's done to baby boys in the USA is desirable, and not a harmful mutilation of a perfectly healthy body part.

  26. Áron Csapó says:

    This is just Thor in Endgame.

  27. Gram T says:

    the part about readers nitpicking over how unrealistic it is that Daily Planet has been always financially stable all the while when there's a character that can fly, shoot beams out of his eyes, and move a planet is so resembling to how actual people fussing over fictional characters' races not accurately portrayed in a fantasy movie or TV show 😆

  28. CarouselBlind says:

    its amazing how accurate this news channel is

  29. Dakota Jones says:

    1:38. Actually legit information from the Onion News Network.

  30. Charon Christ says:

    I went to bullycon and it was awesome. I probably served out like a thousand wedgies and whirlies. Good times, can't wait for next years event.

  31. Philip Reisler says:

    Bullie con 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂😋😂

  32. Bell's Theorem says:

    Captain Actual America is also kind of a bigot.

  33. I'll make you say woosh by not getting a joke says:

    I wanted to find my old comment from 2015 and edit it to "predict" endgame

  34. Apple User 2 says:

    Captain actual America

  35. magicsinglez says:

    This was pretty funny before I even clicked to watch the video.

  36. biggy cross says:

    LOL reboot in the middle of the movie

  37. Rein Tiberius says:

    Should the bullied get me wet? Cause they do

  38. Mike Lawrence says:

    Lol

  39. Faizan Shamsi says:

    "casually reveals that peter parker is uncircumcised" jesus christ im dead

  40. Gendo ruwo says:

    I thought Onion is a spoof?
    This is REAL

  41. Noel Blake says:

    I hope captain Canada learns from this

  42. Adam says:

    i have genuinely thought about something similar to bully-con when thinking of the attendees of comiccon

  43. mipmipmipmipmip says:

    hah that Daily Planet part 😬

  44. Hsoj ILE says:

    Weird how we have the most obese people and the most bodybuilders

  45. Joyson Wildhart says:

    lol bullycon

  46. Joyson Wildhart says:

    lmao biff tannen

  47. MichalH says:

    2:47 jk rowling sweats nervously

  48. Josue Bartley72 says:

    So is this where they got the idea for 'Into the Spider Verse?

  49. Chad Daddy says:

    Marvel Phase 4 in a nutshell

  50. K K says:

    Tbh captain America should be fat!!!!!!! One American simply does not know the meaning of fit.

  51. WizaDude says:

    They predicted Thor

  52. Wonderstruck AJ says:

    Now it's Thor

  53. Sonlirain says:

    To be frank daily planet is most likely a hybrid with physical papers and online stories.

  54. Mercenary Mike says:

    What 'Todd' doesn't realize Is his wife is being railed by Chad while on the phone with him… You can see the 'other side' of the conversion on Youporn,, search "Bully con Cucks wife has encounter with Chad while on phone with Hubby"…

  55. Ainsley the meat rubber says:

    Lmao, if only this was Thor instead

  56. Its ASetUp says:

    You forgot captain america is a woman now.

  57. Salty says:

    Yeah, but that was Alan Moore's run on Swamp Thing. She was way out of line to interrupt.

  58. Apoc Sentinel says:

    Accurate representation of America, actually. No one better to represent

  59. Chef Carl Casper says:

    Lol Walking Dead panel. How things have changed.

  60. Charles the dancer says:

    "The owner of an independent comic book store is not quite sure how he's still in business" 😂 their delivery is hilarious

  61. Inebriatd says:

    You were close Onion. It was Thor.

  62. The Last Son of Crypto says:

    Omg. It's like Donald Trump became President minus the bigotry.
    Could you imagine if that ever actually happened?

  63. Disgusted Dedede says:

    Wrong avenger but ok

  64. Lithus17 says:

    Next do Black Panther joining the black supremacist group #blacklivesmatter blaming white people for everything his people caused. Maybe do a Jussie Smollet tie in.

  65. Del Seibold says:

    LMAO

  66. Raiders Husky says:

    Endgame was such trash.

  67. chidi says:

    Well captain "america" has only one star on his suit, so technically, he's captain Porte Rico

  68. Todd Hitchens says:

    Satire is great. It needs proper context to work however.

    "BullyCon" is just what they're calling the backlash coming from normal everyday fans having against the new comic movie failures.
    "I'm a woman and I'm about to start bleeding..Hear me roar!!!"

  69. Mister Mups says:

    This was released on my birthday!

  70. rex mundi says:

    Seeing as it is 7 years later, I think it is important to mention that circumcision is an unnatural and unnecessary abomination.

  71. Brian Lin says:

    Google.com

  72. Richard Conner says:

    POOR CAPTAIN,HE WILL NEVER GET PROMOTED TO MAJOR.HIS FAST FOOD ADDICTION HAS OVERTAKEN HIM

  73. Jeremy Main says:

    End the Federal Reserve.

  74. MatchaLatte says:

    This was made 7 years ago? Don’t they think it’s time for an update version?

  75. Dragoner Productions says:

    Just slightly incorrect thor ended up being the fat one.

  76. John Humphries says:

    How about updating for Donald Trump's term? Shouldn't be hard to make jokes out of the shitshow that's going on now

  77. Cesar Salcido says:

    The onion is what happens when you try to be satirical and end up being prophetic.

  78. Howardwayne Roberts says:

    what country is the "onion" from….

  79. pleasured uma says:

    Little do they know gamers are the strongest of all the stereotypes on earth, especially when we get our daily dose of gamer girl bathwater.

  80. Jacob Zondag says:

    1:39 Now that's unbelievable. Sylvester Stallone talking like a normal person. The glasses are a nice touch though.

  81. Lost Aquarian says:

    I was against Bullycon until he said beating up Harry Potter fans.

  82. generic generic says:

    "That's America's fat ass!"

  83. Charlie Dawson says:

    I with these intros would stop making my cry.

  84. I Want Lee says:

    0:42 wouldn't bully that. I'd hit that. Hard, and multiple times, until my penis fell off.

  85. NoNameM9 cant put the quote marks rip says:

    oct 12 2019
    525,744 views
    13,598 likes/263 dislikes
    833 comments
    thanks recommends

  86. Doors067 says:

    0:42 see her biting her lip at the bully behind the camera 😘 she left the nerds for the chads of bully con 10 at a time, going from just "wonder woman" to "wonder how she fit so many in there woman" 😂😂😂

  87. Monk8990 says:

    I wish they expanded on the Captain America bit

  88. Mr PUG says:

    Ight! Let’s meet again in 7 years when yt recommends this

  89. Henry says:

    I think bully con could only be beaten by the horrifying homestuck fandom

  90. David Adams says:

    What is crazy and something that no on mentions is that most people in prison are circumcised and there are studies that suggest doing that to children as they enter the world conditions them to be in a world of pain and suffering increasing the likelihood for bad behavior… I wonder what would happen by carelessly taking off body parts from poor defenseless children. There is going to be so much to clean up with these last few generations… honestly this whole topic and everyone that subjects there children to this should not have children, your job as parents is to keep the child safe from harm not to subject them to one of the worst pains they will ever feel right after they come into the world. It the biggest form of abuse and should be likened with criminal child endangerment and child abuse. Would you give your baby a nose job because it’s too big? Would you remove the child’s appendix because it could become cancerous? Would you sew a girls vagina shut so they can’t have sex and catch a disease.

  91. David Adams says:

    Further more why is there no controversial procedure for woman to reduce the likelihood of transmission? Doesn’t it take more than just a man to have heterosexual sex? It didn’t seam fair that the man should be expected to cut into a nub for the sake of slightly reducing transmission rates and the woman gets to be demeaning, demanding, and choose whether or not a man should have a foreskin. Why the hell is it her choice? Can a man force his ideal image of a woman’s vagina on her or society and get away with it? Can a man freely say how disgusting a vagina looks like woman routinely do about men with foreskin? Why are so many people in our society today not taught that what they say has an impact on the feelings of others and can negatively impact them.

  92. David Adams says:

    There are so many double standards.

  93. Taurus Capricorn says:

    Instead of school shooting, I'll shoot up bull-con (if bully-con is real)

  94. Anthony LaTeano says:

    That socially degenerative cacoon comment got me in the feels

  95. nurd on a computer says:

    How drunk is Thor at this point?

  96. Ryan Ellis says:

    Comic books are for children, not adults

  97. StarlightEater says:

    I really wish there were a bullycon.

  98. Joseph Blanchard says:

    LOL @ BullyCon

  99. TechNOGeek Reviews says:

    Bully Con I’m dead 😂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *