Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt
Male Speaker: Captain Actual America
is overweight and hopelessly in debt. A weird glitch causes the Amazing Spiderman
to reboot in the middle of the movie. And the Richie Rich comic strip introduces
a new, even gayer character. As if you needed another reason to remain
in your isolated degenerative cocoon this is The Onion weekend review, comics edition.
Sources confirmed Tuesday that the comic book and Sci-Fi Expo Comic Con was once
gain marred by Bully-Con, an increasingly popular event held in the same convention space.
Now in its fifth year Bull-Con reportedly drew more than 125,000 tormenters from across
the nation all of whom were bent on beating up and torturing those attending
the Mini Comic Book, Television, and Movie Panels at Comic-Con.
Marty Badolato: Who got it started? It was just a couple of friends who wanted
to beat the shit out of some Josh Waddy fans but now there are thousands
of us ruined and walking dead panels, taunting Harry Potter nerds and really
making some video gamers’ lives completely miserable. I don’t necessarily need to travel to San
Diego to slap a copy of Spiderman out of some pussy’s hands but there’s something
really special about coming together with people who dig the same sort
of thrill that you do. Male Speaker: Frustrated Superman fans
told reporters Monday that economically healthy and financially stable Daily
Planet newspaper is now the most unrealistic aspect of the comic book’s
universe, acknowledging that enjoying the adventures of a super hero that can fly,
lift cars over his head, and shoot beams of light out his eyes requires
some suspension of disbelief. Long time readers said even the comic’s
most exciting stories are regularly ruined by the implausibility of a thriving
daily newspaper who’s advertising revenue and circulation numbers have not at all been
threatened by a media landscape overtaken by laptops, Smart phones, and aggregation websites. Richard Taft: Look, I can play along
with Superman using his breath to freeze a volcano or clapping his hands together to
cause some sort of sonic boom but seeing images of a thriving Daily Planet newsroom
not facing layoffs or dwindling home subscriptions just really takes
me out of the story. No one in Metropolis realized they could
get news online faster and for free? Male Speaker: Local man Todd Bogen expressed
mild annoyance Friday as he was interrupted by an incoming phone call from
his wife while trying to read a Swamp Thing comic, claiming that
he was “a little busy” Bogen hurried though the conversation with
the woman he loves and is committed to spending his life with to get back to issue
39 of the comic book in which Swamp Thing is decapitated by a humanoid fish monster.
Todd Bogen: Yes, okay, Honey. You know I’m really busy right
now actually so just get whatever, yes, okay, Honey, I’ve really got to go.
Male Speaker: And in this week’s Op-Ed Pages the Green Lantern says his six flags
roller coaster fails to capture the spirit of his heroic adventures.
In other news an area man has always had a soft spot for Puck, the owner of
an independent comic book store is not quite sure how he’s still in business, and the
2012 Marvel Handbook casually reveals that Peter Parker is uncircumcised.
What follows this video could very well be a 10-minute sneak preview of next week’s
The Dark Knight Rising but probably not. For more visit theonion.com/newsbeat.