How I Seize It #189: KARMA
Hey! (singing) Lo Jenk Days Are Here Again! Yeah! Fuck you haters, I’m still here and more popular than ever. What y’all think about that? Course this is before all those backwoods followers figures out that I’m such a fuckin’ liberal. (laughs) But until then, it’s How I Seize It with Loretta Jenkins. And today, we’re gonna talk about my best friend. Miss Karma. Yeah we both bitches…UH! Now, Miss Karma…she usually like a fair weather bitch. It’s like sometimes you wish you could just say, “Hey, Miss Karma…come on over here and throw some Clap onto my haters or some shit like that, y’know? And then on days where you’re like tryin’ to do the good humanitarian thing and just be good to Mankind and you swerve to keep from hittin’ a youngin’ in the trailer driveway and then you DON’T win the goddamn lottery that night? WTF Miss Karma? I mean I need nice things… …and new titties. And I really want to get a beer keg to replace my useless tap water, okay? (burps) I don’t need no damn water. It’s in the beer. I read the percentile on the side of the thing- (burps) and you mostly water. Some of my Paganeze DBs out there, they say you throw somethin’ out and you get it back three times. And I am all for that cause lemme tell you what… I am exceptional in threeways. Unless they’s another chica there, cause y’know I demand full attention. I am a greedy bitch. What? God gived me three holes for a reason! And did y’all see where that Ice Bucket Fail video, where he upload my stuff and said it was like his stuff? And then? That sumbitch blocked me. I’m sick to death of all his haters comin’ at me. I just asked them for credit and they said “Hell no” and blocked me. I’m Loretta Jenkins. You better listen. You don’t block me, cause I got an army. Army of bitches. Nukul Noks, Dbs! YEAH! Y’all, I had this one bitch, She’s a hater and she just come at me and come at me and come at me and come at me and fuckin’ come at me, ’til finally looked that whore up… And y’all, I ain’t kiddin’, I ain’t kiddin’! I AIN’T KIDDIN’! That bitch had been arrested for lettin’ her kids live in dog shit on the floor! It was on the goddang news! And she had the balls to come after me?!? They was too depressed to pick up the dog turds since the dog died! (laughs) Hey you know what would be a good idea? If you wasn’t goobable… Goobalull…goo- Goolge-able. You better not come and fuck with me and shit. Cause Karma on my side now that I got all famous and shit. I’m gonna tell y’all, I was making’ me a little extra scratch workin’ down there at the church library. I was keepin’ it all prim and proper, and actin’ right during the day, coverin’ up my titties and good shit and didn’t say fuck and all my curse words. Y’all remember when I had that neck surgery cause I was gettin’ l ike the carpal-tunnel from masterbatin’ all the damn time… And then that bitch, she fired me! And I’ll be goddang, it’s a little town here in Apple Springs, Arkansas. Word gets back to me from three different peoples now- Three! And they all work at that same church. And it turned out- Now I’m gonna say this with all honesty. I don’t like to wish bad stuff in people, but we talkin’ about karma here- Karma. I’d been laid up five weeks, came back to work one week and the bitch fired me. She’s got NECK CANCER! And it ain’t even funny, but that’s what karma will do. I’m tellin’ you, it’s the truth. So you better straighten your asses up. Listen, I dish shit out cause I can take it. You wanna clock me on shit I say? Hey, that’s my own karma, I accept it. I worry about me, you worry about you. Shit, if we had more of that in the damn world, we could probably get some non-trivial shit done. But nooooooooo….. Wasn’t I supposed to go make me my own Jonestown- Like Lotown by now? I mean not with the Kool-Aid. I’ll serve y’all beer. I ain’t gonna kill ya. Who else would follow me? (laughs) Ho-ho-ho-ho-hold up. You remember how I said a minute ago that everything you put out come back three times? Oh, Piffany! I bet if I start bein’ nicer to all y’all little dick motherfuckers out there, I bet you there’s gonna be a 16 inch mandingo motherfucker standin’ at my front door at 6 o’clock in the mornin Every morning just waitin’ to tinker around on my pipeage. Hell to the yeah! And that’s How I Seize It.