Payday 2 Hardcore Henry Crossover Abridged
(record scratch) DALLAS: Yeah, that’s me! DALLAS: So you may be wondering how I got here, well that’s a funny story! Of course, it involves clones and s**t, so you’re gonna need to do your homework first. ELEPHANT: And that’s when I looked at the place and realized “Wow! I’m in the wrong line of work”. DALLAS: I’ve been told that, yes. ELEPHANT: So I got some gold and, bought one of my own. DALLAS: Is this the only reason you brought me here? ELEPHANT: Look at it, it’s got a helipad and everything! DALLAS: Do you have a job for us or not?! ELEPHANT: Yes Dallas, you see, I need your help to keep the deposit. DALLAS: Oh Jesus Christ. ELEPHANT: So the take is I’m sending you to Russia to steal the Kremlin. DALLAS: The… I… uh… isn’t that like an entire- DALLAS: Whoa, what the f**k Apple?! Screw the headphone jack, this is awesome! WAITRESS: Here’s your White Russian. DALLAS: And, what’s your name beautiful? WAITRESS: Shuretu. DALLAS: Shuretu… is that Russian? WAITRESS: Yes actually! I come from a long line of Disuns. DALLAS: Well, can I take you home tonight? WAITRESS: Oh gross, no! You sound like the collective corpses of all the dead Marlboro Men. DALLAS: I’ve been… told that… yes. ELEPHANT: See that dude over there? DALLAS: The one with the s**ty wig? ELEPHANT: He’s my landlord. DALLAS: I hate you. ELEPHANT: I’m in some deep s**t with him so I cut a deal: get him a new property in a week, or I lose my deposit. DALLAS: And your plan is to… steal the Kremlin? ELEPHANT: Hear me out- DALLAS: I don’t wanna hear anything… at all… anymore. AKAN: Oh hi Dallas. DALLAS: Wh… are you Tommy Wiseau- AKAN: *demonic voice* YOU WILL REFER TO ME ONLY AS JOHNNY. DALLAS: What the F**K was in my drink?! AKAN: And you I didn’t want to worry about anything because you were loyal to me. WAITRESS: Okay, look bub I just work here, and- AKAN: You are tearing me apart Shuretu! DALLAS: Disun! DIMITRY: Juan. AKAN: I did not hit her! I did not! DALLAS: *thinking* (Ugh… I was not prepared for this. You can’t, BE, prepared for this.) DALLAS: (Why do we even take contracts from this guy anymore? We’ve got plenty of other-) DALLAS: (OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED?!) DALLAS: (Well since those guys got Kill Bill’d and Atomic Blonde…ed, I guess I should let the crew know that-) JIMMY: ‘Ello. DALLAS: THIS IS WHY I USE BOTS. JIMMY: So I captured your little gang. Impressive, right? DALLAS: Not really, this happens a lot. HOXTON: F**k you, Dallas! DALLAS: I’m over here. JIMMY: Brain damage will do that to a man. DALLAS: My God… what the f**k did you do to him?! JIMMY: What? Nothing! I… I just, kind of assumed- DALLAS: What do you mean “assumed”, assumed what? JIMMY: Sigh… I don’t wanna be offensive, ya’know? Keep my privilege in check. CHAINS: Appreciated, but what the f**k are you on about? JIMMY: You ARE the Paycheck Gang, right? DALLAS, HOXTON, CHAINS: (various upset noises) WOOF: SOMETIMES I WISH I STILL WAS DALLAS: No, we’re the PayDAY Gang, Bain’s crew! JIMMY: Did I get the wrong f**king room AGAIN?! CHAINS: Well wait, what happened last time? (SOUNDS OF SEVERAL OBNOXIOUS VOICES TALKING OVER EACHOTHER) JIMMY: AAAAAHHH! (gunfire, bodies hitting floor) VOICE: THE CAR-4- (gunfire) JIMMY: Rogue division. WOOF: MY BRETHREN ARE LOST BUT THE WAR RAGES ON JIMMY: You know, I was gonna offer you double money. CHAINS: For what? JIMMY: The Kremlin. DALLAS: OH MY GOD. JIMMY: But, frankly, you’re not the illustrious Paycheck Gang I thought you were. WOOF: THAT’S RUDE AND ALSO THANK YOU JIMMY: I feel like… everyone has betrayed me. DALLAS: Don’t you f**king say it. JIMMY: I’m fed up with this world! DALLAS: What is WRONG with everybody toda- (gunshot) DALLAS: …ahh… CHAINS: And just what the F**K was that?! DALLAS: Well, if he wasn’t going to do it I was. HOXTON: Does no one care about me?! Getting some serious prison b***h PTSD over here! (snorting) DALLAS: Either someone is snorting cocaine or Houston is using his Neti Pot again. CHAINS: Wait, where is Houston anyways? HOUSTON: So you’re telling me that you wanna… ELEPHANT: Steal the whole Kremlin, yes. (silence) HOUSTON: I’m in. HOXTON: Who the f**k cares?! Seriously though, this is triggering me… WOOF: ARE YOU THE ROOM SERVICE I CALLED MANY DAYS AGO JIMMY: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! WOOF: YES THAT’S WHAT I ORDERED DALLAS: That’s… not how inspire works. JIMMY: DO YOU HAVE, ANY IDEA, HOW F**KED UP I AM?! DALLAS: Yeah a bullet in your skull will do that, what the f**k?! JIMMY: Because you all must be TWICE as f**ked if you’re letting Akan steal the Kremlin! DALLAS: Sigh, I missed my chance to shoot you before, I get a chance to shoot you again… DALLAS: BUT I’M TOO CONFUSED TO TAKE IT! CHAINS: Double the offer and we’ll steal it for you instead. DALLAS: IT’S A BUILDING, CHAINS! Like, multiple buildings actuall- JIMMY: I’ll give you triple! DALLAS: SOMEONE END ME. WOOF: THAT’S AT LEAST THREE TIMES AS MUCH HOXTON: No… NO Big Mike, not the bleach! JIMMY: So, the plan is, we’ll bomb the Kremlin, pick up the pieces, yeah? And put it back together on my front lawn. (silence) JIMMY: It will look GREAT! WOOF: (to tune of Daytona Let’s Go Away) DISTRICT OF COLUMBIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA… CHAINS: How the f**k is Woof the only one of us with a license? DALLAS: DUI. HOXTON: Road rage. JIMMY: Awh! Funny story! This was this old lady, yeah? And- CHAINS: No no no, this story doesn’t end with you running her over, right? JIMMY: No, no! Of course not! CHAINS: Phew. JIMMY: …but her kids! DALLAS, HOXTON, CHAINS: (grossed out sounds) WOOF: HELLO TROLL WHO GUARDS THIS BRIDGE, WE WISH YOU WILL GRANT US PASSAG- EVERYONE: (screaming, Jimmy is cheering in delight) DALLAS: I NEEEEEED A MEDI- HOXTON: We all do, you w**ker! SWAT 1: Okay troops, that’s them! They’re literally trapped inside of a tiny metal box. SWAT 1: All we have to do is shoot at a stationary target! SWAT 2: But sir, what about escalation of force? SWAT 1: They violated the Geneva Convention fifty times for a TROPHY. I don’t give a s**t what- SWAT 2: Heh, they’re right here! SWAT 1: No, NO, why would you DO THAT?! (gunfight breaks out) SWAT 1: GOD D****T. DIMITRY: One deag! One deag! One deag! JIMMY: Holy S**T! DALLAS: Shhhh! JIMMY: That was f**king MENTAL! CHAINS: Shut up! We don’t want them to know we’re here! HOXTON: I think they know, Chains. WOOF: I’M FINE, THANK YOU FOR ASKING DIMITRY: (deep breaths) DIMITRY: су*а бл*ть DALLAS: Okay, we all brought Sicario, right? CHAINS: Yeah! Without Houston breathing down our necks we can go all meta and s**t. HOXTON: I’d argue it’s not exactly meta. DALLAS: Well, the meta seems to be shifting away from dodge entirely. CHAINS: You can use it with armour, though. HOXTON: Yeah, but I’d rather just have Anarchist to be fair. DALLAS: Well what about free players? HOXTON: What about em?! CHAINS: Hohoh! Harsh. HOXTON: Eh, they have no skills, s**t guns, and their masks might as well be made out of duct tape! JIMMY: Eheheh…. HOXTON: F**KER. WOOF: I CAN BREATHE AT LONG LAST DALLAS: Alright, I got my music ready to go! CHAINS: Ahh, Biting Elbows? DALLAS: Nah, they’re copyrighted. But I got the next best thing! (Break the Rules plays) DALLAS: Wow, these pictures look like S**T. DALLAS: Do they not have any colo- DIMITRY: Nyet. (gunshot) (outro music plays) Hello everybody, I’m Connor Shaw! I usually don’t talk over my outros, but this was a pretty special video for me. First up I wanted to thank Maria, Pease and my buddy Alex for recording voice lines for me. Super appreciated! Couldn’t have done it without you guys! I mean, I probably could have, but it would have sounded a lot worse. Next I wanted to thank my Patrons, you can see all their names scrolling by. The support I’ve been given over there is just insane, thank you! Supporting gets you access to my semi-exclusive Discord. You don’t have to pay to get into it, but it’s an easy way to do so… …and at certain tiers some free PAYDAY stuff, check it out if you’re interested! And then the big thing: you. THANK YOU ALL FOR 40,000 SUBSCRIBERS! Right then, I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for watching, and take it easy!