Payday 2 Webseries Abridged
Houston: Robbing banks with your friends is fun I mean we’ve hit this bank 50 or 60 times already You think they would’ve shutdown or invested in better security. And I mean, maybe I should invest in better friends Chains: Da fuck you say to me? Houston: NOTHIN’! Nothin’!… Some say we’re modern-day Robin Hoods… And others they say we’re dangerous clown fuckerinos… And I mean, just because they’re right doesn’t mean that- Chains: Da fuck you speakin’ to? Bitch there’s only me and Woof here. Woof: I told you to call me Wolf! Houston: Heh-You’re no Wolf kid. And what’s with that Wig? Woof: My beautiful locks will please millions! Chains: Why da fuck we let a paycheck guy in here? Houston: Eh.. He’s part of the benefits program… Woof: Just call me Robert Banks because I will rob- Houston: Don’ ac’ dumb! Woof: [Muffled] I love it when he says that! Houston: Newton said for every action there’s a reaction or some shit, I didn’t really pay attention in school. That’s… kind of how I ended up here. Am I a criminal? I don’t think so. Chains: Yeah you are, and you’re fuckin nuts too! TO WHOM YOU BE SPEAKIN!? Woof: Are we stealth? Chains: [Sarcastically] Yeah, we just packed these assault rifles for fuckin looks! Woof: Statistically speaking, the CAR-4 is very effective for both stealth and- Houston: DON’T. ACT. DUMB!
Chains: Shut the fuck up [“Fusebox” starts playing] *smack* Chains: Everybody down on the fucking ground! Down now! I understand that these floors are very clean, but if y’all find some dirt be sure to eat that- Houston: Chains we talked about this! *gunshot* Houston: WOOF WHAT THE FUCK?! Woof: I forgot my cable-ties… Houston: Goddamnit… Ladies and gentlemen this is a bank robbery! We are robbing this- Civie #235: I will not stand for this! I have my- *pain sound* Houston: We are robbing the bank, not you! If you just comply- Civie #235: *groan* YOU CANNOT TAKE, AWayy, my free- *prod and pain sound* Houston: Just comply, and you won’t fuckin-! Civie #235: I-I.. *repeated prodding and pain sounds* *police sirens* Dallas: Excuse me, sir.. Would you like to try some JAW BREAKERS? Houston: That was lame! Dallas: [Annoyed] Get to the vault! Chains: O-k, how we get in then? Houston: D-Do-You mean you didn’t bring the drill? Chains: I thought you had it! Woof: Was that the orange bag with the metal bits and bobs? Houston: Yes! Woof: Oh, I threw that stuff out to make room for my MANY different CAR-4’s! Houston: YOU CONFORMIST PRICK! Dallas: Just take a teller, Goddammit! Chains: But Wolf isn’t here! Dallas: NOT WHAT I MEANT!
Woof: [quietly] I’m right here Houston: Follow me MOVE MOVE! The fuckin pathfinding sucks! Dallas: [addressing the civies] Keep your cool everybody, We’re only recovering the money that was stolen by this bank from the American people And keeping it for ourselfs. So fuck you Chains: Bag it up, double time! C’mon, c’mon! Houston: Hurry! Hurry! Woof: Are we going to pick the deposit boxes-? Houston: Shut the fuck up! Generic Swat #73: Alright troops, move out! Ok team, aim for the bad guys. Just point your guns at them and- Generic Swat #74: SUPPRESSING FIRE!! *gunshots* Houston: WOAH, WOAH! Generic Swat #73: [Faintly] You’re all fucking worthless! *Lots of gunshots* (These guys have Fully Loaded or something?) *more gunfire* [“Break the Rules” starts to play] Dallas: Let’s BREAK, your face! Really put my fist into it, bust it an’ bruise it! *Gunshots*
Houston: YOU’RE SUCH A GOD DAMN NERD! Dallas: SHUT UP AND THROW ME THE BAGS! Houston: Heeee-UP (Wow that’s a sad throw) *more gunfire* Dallas: Yeah, who’s the nerd now you fucking soft baller? Chains: Why didn’t you get transporter bitch? Houston: Fuck the meta! Dallas: That’s not even a meta thing, it’s just good! Houston: Just Swan Song it you conformist douchebag! Dallas: [Frustrated] Fuck! *continued gunfire* (WHERE IS ALL THE AMMO COMING FROM?) Dallas: Oh! They all missed, neat! Swat #73: [faintly] I hate all of you! Dallas: Now send Woof! Chains: He doesn’t have swan song! Dallas: Yeah.. but, I don’t care if he dies. Woof: I’m going to report you to the benefits committee. Dallas: Wow! These cops are tragic! Woof: They should consider using the CAR-4- Dallas: Shut it, and leg it! Houston: Fuck! I’m all out! (Finally) Chains: Well did you bring ammo? Houston: I-I will not be a slave- Chains: [Angered] Well what did you bring then? Houston: Promise you won’t be angry? Chains: CHAINS IS ALREADY MAXIMUM ANGRY. Houston: I brought ecms…. Chains: Wuh? Dallas: So, hey buddy, aside from, you know, forgetting the drill, killing innocents and almost ruining everything, you’re doing a pretty good job. Woof: I would be honored to join your cause. Dallas: Dooon’t get ahead of yourself. Houston: WELL I THOUGHT THERE’D BE ATMS! Chains: First off, we’re already emptying the goddamn vault, why bother with atms? Second, if you wanted em’ so bad why not bring a FUCKIN SAW? Houston: I didn’t have the skill points! Chains: Cause you spent it all in shinobi bitch! Fuck!
*gunshot* Houston: Ah, shit! Generic Swat #75: I have trained for years in the art of had to hand comb- DAAGH-EEEE Houston: Yo, check it out, I’m John Wick! Houston: Yo, check it out, I’m John Wick!
*Two Gunshots* Chains: You mean you a cheap knock-off of the original? Chains: You mean you a cheap knock-off of the original?
*gunshot* Dallas: Hey, if you’re so obsessed with the CAR-4, Then why did you bring a shotgun? Woof: Thanks to the addition of “Donald’s Horizontal Leveler”, Shotguns excel in situations such as- Dallas: Forget I asked! Right, now we wait for the other two to go into custody so we can bail. Woof: MY CAR-4s! (oh shit waddup) Vlad: Such a big cash withdrawal? Dallas: Could you possibly be any more of a stereotype? Fuck! Vlad: [Something in Russian] Chains: Look, I ain’t saying you need to bring the light crossbow and chinapuff every game Ok? Just, you know, keep in mind what the team needs my man. Houston: Yeah, alright, yeah I’m sorry man I’m gonna apologize to Dallas as soon as we get- Chains: Oh they got caught.
(no shit) Houston: USELESS CONFORMIST SHITS! Vlad: I know the situation looks bad! But I have a very good explanation so- Chains: Don’t suppose it’s to talk about the election? Dallas: Not now Chains! Vlad: Bain! Asked me to find you. Houston: And why wouldn’t he tell us? Chains: Yo, uhhh… I had him muted. Dallas: Uhh, me too. Houston: Wait…shit! Woof: Oh! I thought those voices were inside my own head! Vlad: We drink, we talk, huh? Have some vodka; Excellent vodka! Houston: WE GET IT YOU’RE RUSSIAN! Dallas: Alright, time for me to go back to the bank that we just robbed. Chains: [sarcastically] Yeah, like that won’t we suspicious at all.. Dallas: Ok bro, in a second I’m gonna need you to punch me in the f- *DAAUGGhhh* (Dallas is down!) Uhgg… A-alright thats good- Houston: WHERE IS YOUR KINGPIN NOW!?
*repeated “daaugh”s* Dallas: FUCK! I NEEEEEEEEE- (A medic bag?) Bain: Guys, are you there? LISTEN TO ME, GODDAMMIT! Woof: [over radio] I am hearing you loud and clear head voice! 😉 Bain: FUUCK! Subtitles brought to you be ChickenUniverse