Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed to do in a RPG #1-2450 Reading Compilation


Hello Everybody. Today I will be reading you
Things Mr. Welch is not allowed to do in a RPG numbers 1-100. If you wish to read along
there will be the TVtropes link and the actual blog post where it originated from in the
description as well as links to other places of my channel. Alright we will start with
number 1. 1. Cannot base characters off the Who’s drummer
Keith Moon. 2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard
instrument. 3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery. 4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not ‘Southern’
Montaigne. 5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on
1pt professional skills. 6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle
plan. 7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the
dishes. 8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook. 9. My monk’s lips must be in sync. 10. Just because my character and I can speak
German, doesn’t mean the GM can. 11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it,
especially during royal masquerades. 12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive
spell if I’m the sorcerer. 13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep,
no matter how cliche they are. 14. Ogres are not kosher. 15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much
gunpowder as Plan A. 16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than
10 minutes from memory. 17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate
name for a super hero. 18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over
HILT first. 19. Drow are not good eating. 20. Polka is not appropriate marching music. 21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star
Trench Run out of genre. 22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy
War Rhino. 23. Any character who has a sensitivity training
center named after him will be taken away. 24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed
to summon 50,000 Blue Whales. 25. The green elf does not need food badly. 26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you’re the paladin. 27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head
to make sure they aren’t a zombie in Twilight 2000. 28. The Goddess’ of Marriage chosen weapon is
not the whip. 29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to
continue the damage code on back. 30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the
LARP, even if they are terminally stupid. 31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has
the most HP at the time. 32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or
over. 33. There is no such skill as ‘improvised cooking’
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any
character played by Joe Pesci. 35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party
to play R2 units. 36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party
to sit on the same side of the table. 37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons
for rodents. 38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed
to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. 39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability ‘can
lick their eyebrows’ 40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold
their breath for 10 minutes. 41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability ‘impromptu
kickstand’ 42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction
check. 43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music
to a snappy disco beat. 44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points
on 100 1pt skills. 45. My character names are not allowed to be double
entendres. 46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer
frelling says so. 47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes. 48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest
of the adventure. 49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before
that snotty farm kid gets his shot. 50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to
asphyxiate the orcs’ cave instead of exploring it first. 51. No longer allowed to use the time machine
for booty calls. 52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda
Davida on marachas. 53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing
more than a quarter ton. 54. Cannot pimp out other party members. 55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze
the elf. 56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot
carry a horse and rider at full sprint. 57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a
guard to validate parking. 58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense. 59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing
positions when he’s on a run. 60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of
impotent deities. 61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of
swimming after my USCG E8 saves him. 62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han
Solo do once. 63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I
say please. 64. My paladin’s battle cry is not “Good for the
Good God” 65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell. 66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks
every language except ones the party speaks. 67. There is no Kung Fu manuever “McGuire Swings
For Bleachers” 68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs. 69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with
no save. 70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink
even if the target number is 5. 71. There is no ‘annoy’ setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over
100 years old unless he’s an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out. 73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass
Stick. 74. My thief’s battle cry is not “Run And Live”
75. Nor is it “You take care of the orcs, I take
care of the traps” 76. I am not allowed any artistic license while
translating. 77. I did not get my super powers from James T.
Kirk. 78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs
more than a sedan. 79. I am not liquid metal. 80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must
allow the other guy time to find a pistol. 81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable
backup weapon. 82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with
my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. 83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot
lie. 84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors
into buying a 220lb pull crossbow. 85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors
into buying an industrial strength flamethrower. 86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99%
chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot. 87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana. 88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if
she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard. 89. The elf’s name is not Legolam. 90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw
Dark Secret: Not Gay 91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised
weapon. 92. The name of the weapon shop is not “Bloodbath
and Beyond” 93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever
give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again. 94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on
neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski. 95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot
again. 96. No making up polearms. 97. My one wish cannot be ‘I wish everything on
this piece of paper was true’ 98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka. 99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun
blast with their lightsaber. 100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is
allowed, that doesn’t include System Lords. 101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING. 102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering
project on the taxpayer’s dime. 103. There is no such thing as a Club 3 of Cup
Checks 104. Nor is there a 1 Longsword, 5 against party
members. 105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into
Abe Vigoda. 106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. 107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet. 108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman
on that Star Destroyer. 109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part
from a DC-10 larger than my car. 110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if
my character has an internal tape deck. 111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week
from my grandmother. 112. If the gun can’t fit through the x-ray machine,
it doesn’t go on the plane. 113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any
Jack Nicholson soliloquy. 114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed
in the bag of holding once. 115. My musical instrument does not double as a
personal flotation device. 116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during
the final super villain showdown. 117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc
only once per day. 118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon
instead of a sledgehammer. 119. My character’s names cannot be anagrams of
playboy playmates. 120. Not allowed to kill another party member with
a boomerang again. 121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning
Services Inc. 122. The paladin’s alignment is not Lawful Anal. 123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when
the powergamer has point. 124. I cannot insert the words “Kill Phil, Sorry
Phil” into any list of instructions. 125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many
times per day. 126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals. 127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka
mainframe. 128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind. 129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism. 130. I am not authorized to form the head. 131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich
bounces. 132. There is no such feat called “Death Blossom”
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord’s
head for more than one round. 134. The King’s Guards official name is not “The
Royal Order of the Red Shirt” 135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs
or bubblewrap. 136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3
confirmed Drachen kills. 137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy. 138. If the mere thought of it costs the others
sanity, I’m forbidden from doing it. 139. My bard is required to take levels in the
perform skill and cannot ‘just play by ear’ 140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten
Realms. 141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush
just to jack up the CR later. 143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every
god just in case one of them is right. 144. There is no such thing as pleather armor. 145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at
the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski
when signing documents. 146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game
set before 1600. 147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry. 148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if
there was, it wouldn’t involve tongs. 149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not
considered a glorious victory. 150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in
suppository format. 151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency
with the flamethrower. 152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time
for my cleric to convert him. 153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at
the royal ball until I crit my charisma check. 154. I am not allowed to rub the monk’s head for
luck. 155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf
chick for any reason. 156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating
the half-elf is not our first option. 157. Any capital scale weapon is not ‘my little
friend’. 158. I will not declare myself a god just so I
can grant myself spells. 159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. 160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing
but paint rounds. 161. I will not nail every single female party
member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy. 162. What ever monster we just killed is not to
be tonight’s dinner. 163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version
of any dog of the toy breeds. 164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin’s
mom about his career choice. 165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with
folger’s crystals to see if they notice. 166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into
withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection. 167. I was not recruited by Star League for any
reason. 168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and
a wizard to rob a dragon. 169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of
fertility. 170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram
thereof. 171. My character’s dying words are not allowed
to be “Hastur, Hastur, Hastur” 172. At no point can I justify spending force points
on a seduction check. 173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers’ March
of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep. 174. There is no use of Shatner’s spoken word album
that doesn’t require a humanity check. 175. I am not directly descended from either Huey
Lewis or any member of the News. 176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum,
anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans. 177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right. 178. There are no profanities in Celestial. 179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks
find him tasty. 180. I have neither the touch nor the power. 181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos. 182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual
villain five minutes into the adventure. 183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in
any d20 supplement. 184. A starting character has no need for 100gp
worth of hemp rope. 185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon
crawl. 186. No cutting line to be a god. 187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per
session for making the GM pee. 188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent,
nor a cajun dwarf. 189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to
kill the character at creation. 190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden. 191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba
Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters. 192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery
skill, my character is not allowed to have it. 193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic
charges. 194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice
of weapons, that does not leave me pistols. 195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word
stun and blame it on the dog. 196. I cannot name a character anything that I
can’t say politely in another country. 197. My epic level character cannot take on the
minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp. 198. Not allowed to steal my own soul. 199. My third wish cannot be ‘I wish you wouldn’t
grant this wish’ 200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters
from other systems. 201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely
in Cant. 202. Character descriptions cannot contain two
of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician. 203. My superhero’s strength is not classified
as snazzy, neato or bodacious. 204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for
the elf, so sexy myself. 205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business
named Thay Co. 206. I cannot forge a 1 sword of Brad’s Min/Maxed
Paladin/Monk Slaying. 207. The following weapons are not legal choices
in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget. 208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection
of magical bec de corbins. 209. My Paladin’s heraldry is not a smiley face. 210. My Antipaladin’s heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms
of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies. 212. If the party always starts the adventure in
a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel. 213. I am not the patron saint of common sense. 214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer. 215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action. 216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo
boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon. 217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires
hiding behind engine blocks, I can’t have it. 218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling
pit fights is a violation. 219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must
not introduce my companions as just “The Other Guys”. 220. I am not the master of the low blow or the
gang up. 221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that’s
gonna get some paradox. 222. Druids are not against my religion. 223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex
bomb when he really doesn’t. 224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy,
even though you never hear about a half gnome do you? 225. I am forbidden from monologuing. 226. Troll bubblegum…bad idea. 227. My last wish cannot be “I wish we were playing
another game.” 228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler
a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2. 229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the
elf can take a punch. 230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth
floss. 231. I am not allowed to do anything that would
make a Sith Lord cry. 232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from
Dr. Who in Crinos. 233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed
I am going to have skill in medicine. 234. My character does not get d34 HP a level. 235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two more than
none. 236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons
of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor’s garage. 237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game
that the GM has to look up the definition. 238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the
theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica. 239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard
of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica. 240. Any character with more than three skills
specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. 241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out
of a speeding ticket. 242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long
winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up. 244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party
in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any. 245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name
the GM confuses with a strip joint. 246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy’s always
naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get. 247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am
to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest. 248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. 249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an
employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime. 250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero
concept. 251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam
Wing Z. 252. I can not order the Druid to transform and
roll out. 253. If the other party members forget to take
any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death. 254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line
up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant. 255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm
the moon. 256. The following cleric domains do not exist:
Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers 257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes. 258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor 5
259. My Highlander’s name cannot be McHammer. 260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled. 261. The Barbarian’s name does not translate into
“Screams like little sissy girl” in my language. 262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make
choo-choo noises. 263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by
pouring salt on him. 264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient
Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms. 265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what
one of the buttons in his cockpit does. 266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank
call C-SWAT on the target’s phone. 267. I cannot yell “FREEBIRD” every time the bard
makes a perform roll. 268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person. 269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack. 270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour
in character discussion on the qualities of rope. 271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters
with skills in medicine. 272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration. 273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion,
he still can’t take the tax accountant skill. 274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak
hours. 275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not
a dwarven delicacy. 276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not
an elven delicacy. 277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings
with spontaneous games of dodgeball. 278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact
of for more than a minute is forbidden. 279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime
Minister. 280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in
any genre except Paranoia. 281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic
nondescript unnamed NPC. 282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it
still doesn’t restore any of my HP. 283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph
is not a Japanese name. 284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can’t help
others make a decision. 285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if
I was, that doesn’t excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection. 286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous
convictions for any misdemeanor. 287. When asked for advice before a fight “Don’t
wet yourself in public” is not what they were looking for. 288. I cannot name my character after another PC
already in this game. 289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction:
Helium. 290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we’re in
is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party. 291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy
before facing the final monster in the dungeon. 292. I cannot take all the monsters I’ve killed
to the taxidermist after the adventure. 293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl. 294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise,
my elf is not agoraphobic. 295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack
of opportunity. 296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served
weapon. 297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the
bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles. 298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German. 299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding
sheep. 300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames
Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda. 301. “Well Hung” is not a physical, social or mental
trait. 302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor. 303. I cannot gradually describe my character more
and more until it’s obvious I’m describing Burt Reynolds. 304. My life long nemesis is not allowed to be
the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me. 305. Anything my character does that ends up as
errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing. 306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals. 307. Even if he can use them from the start, my
barbarian can’t specialize in fencing weapons. 308. A Mao suit is not proper garb for my shugenja. 309. I cannot cast invisibility on random household
items like car keys, tea sets and bear traps. 310. I cannot spend all my points on just followers. 311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start
the game as pope. 312. I am not the son, father, husband, exroommate,
former professor or retired garbageman of the villain. 313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll
on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off. 314. Under ‘Religion’ I cannot put ‘Xenu’. 315. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill
simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere. 316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide
five minutes into the campaign. 317. My battlecry is not ‘Now young Skywalker you
will die’. 318. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation
of the future. 319. My character does not have the flaw: Dark
Secret- I’m Kilroy. 320. The Sultan does not want a treasure bath. 321. The monk’s official title is Brother of the
Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy. 322. My bard knows more songs than just “I Saw
Your Mommy” 323. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious
deadly disease. 324. I cannot start the game pregnant. 325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his
alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept. 326. Cannot accumulate 200 points of flaws for
Hackmaster. 327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us
is the Chosen One. 328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just
because it’s the coolest setting. 329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing
the hinges on the door. 330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the
Lollipop Guild. 331. I cannot invoke Consecrate Weapon on a Man
of War 332. I cannot spend character points to buy imaginary
friends. 333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell
that means. 334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards. 335. When installing cyberware, can’t install the
Clapper as a built in feature. 336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing
hatred of books, altars and cutlery. 337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control
20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha. 338. Any character named El Robotico Jiraffe de
Fuego is begging to be vetoed. 339. Can’t avoid going on an epic quest with the
excuse “Can’t find a sitter” 340. I cannot start the game married to another
PC without their consent. 341. Not allowed to declare myself a free agent
and take offer from other adventuring parties. 342. After the first adventure I cannot write a
tell all book about the party. 343. I must remember royalty do not share the same
love of parody as my bard. 344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I
can’t make the other guy’s head explode. 345. I don’t have weapon proficiency in elf, either. 346. I most certainly don’t have weapon proficiency
in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. 347. If I’m not the decker, I can’t do anything
I saw in Tron once. 348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I
don’t start the game in Cyberpsychosis. 349. Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell. 350. I am not allowed to buzz ANYTHING. 351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast
352. When I choose my wizard’s familar, Belgians
are not a legal choice. 353. I cannot pick a Destroid that makes the Veritech
pilots feel inadequate. 354. Tricking the party into killing each other
off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon. 355. My monk’s battlecry is not “Round 1: Fight!” 356. No matter how well I roll, the Quack skill
is not a substitute for the Doctor skill. 357. I cannot disassemble a car in under 5 minutes. 358. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot make
a character that gets double XP per game for showing up. 359. Killing quicklings with marbles only works
once. 360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise
Dead before he runs another murder mystery again. 361. It is not feasible for my Archer to recreate
Hudson’s Last Stand. 362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf,
half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. 363. When challenged to a showdown, I’m meant to
face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe’s Big .50. 364. I am to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing
historical characters. 365. Not allowed to setup the main villain with
the mad scientist’s sister. 366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. 367. No using excessive firepower to force the
plot along. 368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion
with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin’ asteroid. 369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho
by disassembling him earlier in the adventure. 370. What happens in Sigil does not always stay
in Sigil. 371. No thinking up new, creative and fun uses
for cursed items. 372. Cannot start the game blitzed, especially
if I was stone sober at the last game break. 373. It is bad form for the queen to see my nipples. 374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless
and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again. 375. Killing the building does not add to my body
count. 376. The barbarian must remember that ‘human shield’
is a figure of speech. 377. My character is required to have a minimum
wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses. 378. I can cannot give my character the moniker
“Tim the Barbarian”. Especially since he’s the bard. 379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good
word in for me with Santa. 380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice
the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one. 381. Min/Max for combat=good. Min/Max for accounting=bad. 382. I can’t bet the power gamer he can’t solo
the module. 383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill
two sentries. 384. The titles “Viking” and “Obstretrician” are
mutually exclusive. 385. All characters will use the bathroom before
the dungeon crawl. 386. The following words are not legal for the
command spell: Prognosticate, theorize, notarize. 387. I cannot give magic items super easy commands
words like ‘is’ or ‘the’ and activate when you say them. 388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called
shots to the knees. 389. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku
if he fails to hit the monster. 390. My character’s background must be more indepth
than a montage of Queen lyrics. 391. A starting paladin has no conceivable use
for industrial lubricant. 392. I am forbidden to see whether halflings or
gnomes bounce higher. 393. If I can fit my head down the gun’s barrel,
I can assume it doesn’t have the non-lethal option. 394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the
dwarf. 395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me
to crank start it first. 396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate
high explosive weapons in close quarters. 397. I will not tell new players that 1st level
characters do not have a scent as a defense mechanism. 398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons
are not proper ninja weapons. 399. When I have to pick a starting dementia, Stockholm
Syndrome is not appropriate. 400. Check the door means to listen at it, not
put several rounds through it. 401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will
not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic. 402. No matter how many people I need to feed,
I will not use MDC weapons to fish. 403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log
in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start. 404. No subcontracting dungeon crawls. 405. I will not name my character for the power
gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7. 406. The first rule of Finnegan school is not “Do
not talk about Finnegan school” 407. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers
and booze. 408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in resources
to afford it, I can’t have that gun. 409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile. 410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook,
I can’t kill him. 411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he’s monologuing. 412. I will not try to skip to the main boss dressed
like a singing telegram. 413. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever closed
to me. 414. If my stats are STR10 DEX10 CON8 INT16 WIS17
CHA15 I’d better not be the half-orc barbarian. 415. My archmage will not join a party running
Keep on the Borderlands as a ringer. 416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm. 417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos. 418. Steel toe boots do not add to my AC.
419. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments. 420. “For the King” is an example of a good battle
cry. “Smoke the Mother” is not. 421. I will not convince the GM’s noob GF to play
a psychotic combat monster. 422. My marital status does not affect in anyway
my fear checks. 423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play
a duck. 424. I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy
musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show. 425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees
do not use the same weapon skill. 426. Thirty minutes after a massive battle against
Cathayans I am not bloodthirsty again. 427. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do
once. Even if I am in Home Depot at the moment. 428. I will never create a plan that first hinges
on the invention of velcro. 429. If the character isn’t deaf, his only language
cannot be AMSLAN. 430. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper
camouflage. 431. We will not implement any battle plan that
includes the underlined words “And hope they miss a lot”
432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my
starfighter. 433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the
adventure just to piss off the power gamer. 434. Never again will I convince a player to keep
a character nicknamed “Stumpy McLunger” 435. No bribing the DM’s new GF with chocolate
so he’ll go easy on us. 436. Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth
and Healing doesn’t give me the right to start an HMO.
437. From now on my Highlander will refrain from
dancing the Can-Can. 438. The ability to afflict everyone in 150′ with
herpes is not an acceptable super power. 439. I will not start the game as a toddler just
to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age. 440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best
features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions. 441. There is an upper limit on the number of people
a bullet will go through. 442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed
chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice. 443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head
if they are bitten. 444. Whether it’s fair or not, my thief will not
insist we take turns checking for traps. 445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with
‘a little less lawful, a little more good’ 446. Ninjas are not ablative. 447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later,
I cannot crit him 4 times in one round. 448. I will not attempt to unionize the brutes. 449. I will not switch to an entirely new class
every single time I level. 450. When told to distract the villainess, they
didn’t mean with a surprise marriage proposal. 451. I cannot start the campaign conjoined to another
character. 452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to
base the group only off Gary Oldman characters. 453. I will not redefine the term ‘trapdoor’. 454. No staking a vampire with anything larger
than his chest cavity. 455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component
for golems. 456. I cannot put my familiar up for stud. 457. I did not invent the wet tabard contest. 458. “When I’m in the mood” is not a valid trigger
for a contingency spell. 459. The vampire clan with vissitude is not pronounced
‘Karl’ 460. I’d better have a real good excuse for being
a necromancer if I’m lawful good. 461. Tasha’s Uncontrollably Hideous Sister is not
a real spell. 462. 1st Watch is not for accordion practice. 463. Even if it is hip to be square, I still can’t
play a Modron. 464. 2nd Watch is not for starting up pick up rugby
games with wandering monsters. 465. After a successful black ops, I will not leave
paint bombs under all the boardroom’s seat cushions. 466. 3rd Watch is not clothing optional. 467. There is no ‘accidentally’ slipping a Smite
Evil into a pillow fight. 468. If the party wakes to find a chariot upside
down in a fountain, I’d better not be the prime, usual or only suspect. 469. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures
in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings’ room. 470. Sarcasm is wasted on Imperial Stormtroopers. 471. I am not fluent in any dialect of gibberish. 472. When my cleric is told to “Buff the Elf”,
I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way. 473. No matter the CR of the monster, no naked
pookie dances upon victory. 474. Black and Decker does not make prosthetics. 475. Can’t trick the rest of the party into babysitting
my kids. 476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically
Neutral Evil. 477. I cannot spay the Vargyr. 478. Castillians do not always end their sentences
with the word ‘Ariba!” 479. As a matter of fact, Dwarven Battlegarb in
no way resembles Angus Young’s stage costume. 480. I will not address Fauner Posen with ‘Jawohl
mein Liebenaffe’ 481. I am forbidden from doing anything that ends
with a snarf, rimshot or spit take. 482. No uploading porn to my CO’s HUD. 483. No downloading porn from my CO’s HUD. 484. If the word ‘Mullet’ appears anywhere on my
samurai’s character sheet, he’s vetoed. 485. My Mossad agent’s battlecry is not “Torah,
Torah, Torah” 486. No how tough the encounter was, I will keep
the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum. 487. Halfing mating rituals do not include beer
can crushing, power belching, or Lynyrd Skynyrd trivia. 488. If I have to pull out of the dungeon because
I’m low on HP, no filing Workman’s Comp. 489. No making up any strange hobbies just to get
out of taking watch. 490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle
is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dylan is just silly. 491. If my Faith is 4 and your Faith is 2, that
doesn’t mean Jesus loves me twice as much. 492. Beer Boy is not an acceptable hireling for
the dungeon crawl. 493. I will not base any Media character off Milo
Bloom. 494. I will not use a time machine to invade Germany
on September 2, 1939 by surprise, securing Dutch domination of Europe. 495. No supplying my own canned applause. 496. While Bardic music can increase skill rolls,
bad jazz adds nothing to seduction rolls. 497. If somebody in the party has a Wisdom or Intelligence
lower than 8, I am forbidden from talking to them. 498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the
party my Medtech has a fear of blood. 499. No inventing the minefield. 500. My superhero will not spend points to fly
just because he’s too lazy to walk. 501. Even if playing a game allowing animal characters,
Tai Chihuahua is not a good concept. 502. If my name isn’t Grimlock, can’t start every
sentence with “Me Grimlock” 503. Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer. 504. If the party is to frequently meet with Queen
Victoria, I cannot play a Texan. 505. My warrior cleric will not pick his deity
solely on the god’s BAB. 506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies
wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet. 507. My character cannot give another character
the alcoholic disadvantage during play. 508. I will not tell the noobie to roll his THACO. 509. I will not base my superpowers off of Christ. Even if my character is nothing like him. 510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate
by lying down and making carnage angels. 511. When GM demands to know what my character
is doing, it better not be “The Charleston” 512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team
does not add to my Brawl Skill. 513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will
not get the Scooby-Doo ending. 514. No giving my Roman gladiator the short disadvantage
and naming him Minimus. 515. I am not the Lord of Rodly Might. 516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. 517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem. 518. Affirmative Action does not require me to
play a drow. 519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned
upon. 520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid
allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer. 521. I will not convince the entire party to play
Amish for the cyberpunk campaign. 522. Not allowed to parry at the wrist. 523. When I’m rescued the correct response is ‘thank
you’ not ‘took your freaking time!’ 524. I will not ask my gun for advice. 525. Running a non-stop Rocky Horror fest for staked
vampires is outside the budget for most Samedi. 526. If an NPC is known as the “One” I cannot volunteer
to be the “Two”. 527. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend
$64,000 to get the vorpal option for a forklift. 528. I cannot buy every single advantage during
character creation. 529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho. 530. I cannot earn bonus XP for ‘catching air’
with an MBT. So stop trying. 531. No making up gnomish subraces. 532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere,
I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people. 533. I cannot increase my comeliness by growing
a pornstache. 534. When I level up, I just can’t copy the guy
next to me’s choices. 535. I cannot make a dungeon crawl easier by opening
a rival dungeon and hiring away all his guards. 536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not
billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock. 537. The Cause Disease spell cannot inflict Nitrogen
Narcosis. 538. Even if I spend the points, I cannot start
married to any of the X-Men. 539. Defensive perimeter traps my character sets
up are automatically party knowledge. 540. A full minute of stunned silence means “My
God what did you do?” not “Please continue.” 541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile
“the naughty bits” is not a valid choice. 542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain
in the shape of anything. 543. There is more to buying rations than ramen,
spam and beer. 544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature
of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn. 545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just
because I like the pretty colors. 546. Dead party members, while effective, are not
appropriate anti-grenade measures. 547. Perform skill does not apply to the following:
Performance art, spoken word, or fan dances. 548. I cannot have a “What Would Ao Do?” bracelet. 549. It is not physically possible to cook off
an accordion. 550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between
their genders. 551. Cannot install Lojack on the Dragonkin. 552. If my character’s drow wife finds I let my
niece appear in a Gnomes Gone Wild Video, my death will not even warrant a saving throw. 553. No matter how well I make my disguise check,
my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush. 554. Even though armor gives him no benefit, my
monk still has to wear something. 555. I will stop snickering every time the monk
announces he’s touching someone with his quivering palm. 556. Even though I’m the ranger, I can’t stalk
the elf babe. 557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a
geiger counter, I can’t have it. 558. There is not a ‘Take your daughter to work
day’ for adventurers. 559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf
his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can’t offer his accordion. 560. Can’t hire a sentient black pudding to be
the ship’s janitor. 561. I can’t play a deep gnome just to make the
rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. 562. “Pass without trace” doesn’t work on bad checks. 563. I can’t make anyone Jewish with a called shot. 564. The Lutherans don’t have an inquisition. 565. My vampire hunter can’t have anything he saw
on an infomercial at 3am on PBS. 566. When confronted with a haunted house with
bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank. 567. I cannot consult my lawyer before making my
wish. 568. My first wish cannot be “I wish you grant
all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish’
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas. 570. The DM does not want to know how my human
fighter is triple wielding scimitars. 571. I will not secretly maze the wizard’s familiar,
druid’s companion or paladin’s mount just for a laugh. 572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot
carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties. 573. Improved evasion does not work against Save
vs. DM. 574. “Get dressed quickly in the dark” is not an
advantage, bonus, benefit, feat, skill, perk or merit. 575. Even if I’m a near immortal demi-god with
the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad’s away
without permission. 576. I can’t use my sneak attack opportunity to
cop a feel. 577. No matter how stupid the PC’s comment, it
doesn’t provide an attack of opportunity. 578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic. 579. “Pimp my Death Star” is not a real show, and
I’d better believe Grand Moff Tarkin knows this. 580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to
my search for secret doors roll. 581. No filling the paladin’s stocking with coal
on Christmas to make him wonder what he’s got to atone for. 582. I can’t thwart the Rebel Alliance’s attack
with the newly invented manhole cover. 583. Can’t intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly
summoning bigger versions of what he’s just summoned. 584. On second thought, a minotaur architect is
a really bad idea. 585. No using psychic powers before the adventure
to figure out who to take life insurance out on. 586. Cannot spend extra money to get the optional
“flay” setting for my pistol. 587. No taunting the 1st level magic user with
“Mighty bold talk for a guy with only 4HP.” 588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take
advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn’t it? 589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it’s
vetoed if that’s the Richter scale. 590. I can’t convince the rival party our Q-Ship
is just named that because it’s piloted by John DeLancie. 591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use of
the Cleave feat. 592. No matter how well I roll, other PCs cannot
be haggled into paying me to perform errands for me. 593. Tensor’s Herniated Disc is not a real spell. 594. True to fluff or not, my berserker cannot
take the beekeeping skill. 595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING. 596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have
proficiency with them. 597. The party does not need to know about the
time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. 598. Any adventure that ends up with my character
being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. 599. Cannot start the new adventure with me trying
to run down who ever didn’t show up for the last adventure. 600. Even if I’m a wizard, I still can’t apply
embarrassing tattoos to the NPC. 601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will
not do in a pinch. 602. Find Familiar scrolls are not a substitute
for the hunting skill. 603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva
Convention by name. 604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes
Gnomish Poetry Slams. 605. Even if this an adventuring party, I can’t
show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade and half elf stripper. 606. If my power is super growth, that includes
my skin. 607. A N-Scale tuba player is not an appropriate
miniature for my gnome bard. 608. The answer to ‘who’s got point?’ is not the
fireball. 609. No diety will let me use my nipples as holy
symbols. 610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts. 611. No initiating social challenges based only
on the color of the werewolf’s shoes. 612. Every time a PC takes himself out through
his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song. 613. I can’t have a magic item I can’t request
with a straight face. 614. My superhero tank must be height/weight proportionate. 615. One close call with a mimic does not give
me the right to attack every door I come across. 616. Even if they are the same cliched acid for
blood aliens, can’t load my shotgun with baking powder. 617. The forehead is not an appropriate place for
a kill count holo-tattoo. 618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw
is not a substitute for a bayonet. 619. No matter what the dice say, I can’t kill
a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round. 620. My Blessed does not have the hindrance Ailin’:
Stigmata. 621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a
better rate to Alderaan. 622. Paladins make poor vikings. And vice versa. 623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play
a Dire Gummi Bear. 624. When asked what my character is doing, it
had better not be the vitakinetic. 625. I must remember before the next time I shave
off the sleeping dwarf’s beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started
that way. 626. Dwarves are not proper substitutes for pufferfish. 627. The GM decides if my character dies from a
stroke, not me. 628. I can’t use audible glamour to trick the cleric
into building an ark. 629. Just because they are all into rock, metal
and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers. 630. Replacing the solo’s bullets with blanks so
he comes in dead last in bodycount isn’t funny. 631. Medicine cabinets are not the best place to
stash spare squeeze tubes of explosive putty. 632. When asked to tutor someone on his defense
trait, can’t keep punching him until he get it. 633. When told to choose my weapon in a duel with
the assassin, can’t pick his weapon. 634. Cannot recreate any scene in 2001: Space Odyssey
involving women’s lingerie. 635. Arguments cannot end with the statement ‘Alright,
we’ll settle this like penguins!’ 636. Recon means tell them what I saw, not slaughter
all the monsters without them. 637. German characters do not gets 4 racial bonus
to intimidate French characters. 638. The DM is not impressed by me spoiling his
well planned ambush by just casting Glassee on the door. 639. Before hiding with all the werewolves to ambush
the Settite, make sure he didn’t leave the LARP 4 hours ago. 640. Even if he loves me too, Chitti-Chitti-Bang-Bang
is not an appropriate choice for the romance background. 641. Casual attire does not include shoulder holsters. 642. My character’s grandma was not, is not and
will never be a contract killer. 643. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t gain 1,000,000
XP with one forged check. 644. No matter how much mousse I use, my hair will
never have damage resistance. 645. My matter how high my faith skill, still can’t
take God as an ally. 646. If the game store owner goes into vapor lock,
the adventure is over. 647. Any answer to a question involving the words
‘wizard’, ‘station wagon’ and ‘wood paneling’ is no. 648. Can’t marry off another PC more than half
a dozen times. 649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones
they can find. 650. Gnolls don’t fall for the fake ball trick
more than once. 651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good. 652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction-
stabbing things. 653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits. 654. If the party goes into my room and finds a
Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me. 655. When asked my position in the party, it’s
not ‘whatever’s closest to Bangkok.’ 656. A crayon is typically going to cause a penalty
to my forgery skill. 657. Can’t put a glass bottom on my tank to I can
see the looks on their faces. 658. Changing sexes is restricted to male or female. 659. Quoting Ministry lyrics is not SOP for the
Gladius Dei. 660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place
for hunting vampires. 661. The line on my character sheet for ‘Sex’ is
not for keeping score. 662. My Paladin will stop referring to her detect
evil power as Evildar. 663. Even if I just rolled 832d6 for damage, still
can’t get a bonus to my intimidate check. 664. Unlike real life, I don’t gain the whirlwind
attack to smack all my backtalking children. 665. My WW2 era mad scientist will pick a new target
for his project other than Manhattan. 666. When offered a Dracheneisen item of my choice,
can’t pick Nunchucks. 667. No matter what the dice say, can’t decapitate
an Aberrant with a straight razor. 668. AT-ST soccer games are strictly against Imperial
Army protocols. 669. Cannot name Boba Fett as a godparent to any
of my children. 670. While I’m fixing the X-Wing, the brash pilot
is still miffed about the Y-Wing loaner. 671. House Kurita Mechwarriors do not appreciate
posters of Godzilla taped over their optical sensors. 672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell. 673. It’s not necessary to install a portcullis
in every single room of my castle. 674. When deciding what to do with the ancient
alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not an option. 675. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t take the
identical twin advantage 22 times. 676. My character’s primary purpose in the party
is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP. 677. Elves do not have the racial trait: No Gag
Reflex. 678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a
recreation of the Apollo landing. 679. I do not have time in the Black Ops for break
dancing, Greco-Roman Wrestling or phone sex. 680. My axe doesn’t go off accidentally when I’m
cleaning it. 681. Even if he is a total blast, can’t channel
Baron Samedi at a Coming Out Ball. 682. Can’t make a called shot with a flamethrower. 683. After finishing the cliched “New boss is villain”
adventure, can’t file for unemployment. 684. My mummy can’t take out multiple life insurance
policies on himself and name himself the prime beneficiary. 685. The game of chicken does not involve the polymorph
spell. 686. My vampire hunter does not take the “un” out
of “undead” 687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark. 688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot
have the flaw: Hatred- All living things. 689. The combat feats I can use with a battering
ram are extremely restricted. 690. Mordenkainen’s Dysfunctional Family is not
a real spell. 691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon
animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat. 692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not
an appropriate Swordsman’s School. 693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome’s
contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring. 694. Search the old castle means enter it, not
level it with artillery and dig through the rubble. 695. Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling
her it boosts her Dexterity isn’t fooling anybody. 696. Any plan involving strapping puppies to my
armor is vetoed. 697. No “accidentally” crosswiring the X-Wing’s
fire control and ejection seat switches. 698. During the Black Ops no accessing the target’s
HR files and getting babes’ phone numbers. 699. Fed Ex does not deliver to the Keep on the
Borderlands. 700. Not allowed to use basic economics to crash
the evil empire’s economy by spending all my swag there at once. 701. Cannot take the moniker “the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist”
702. The Banana of Disarming is not a real magic
item. 703. Cannot sharpen Ioun stones for increased headbutt
damage. 704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get
the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest. 705. Need to stop using my reality altering ability
to make every day Mardi Gras. 706. Cannot base my barbarian after Wink Martindale. 707. A throat punch does not give a bonus in a
contested philosophy check. 708. My paladin mini is vetoed if it’s obviously
Private Drake from Aliens. 709. Any plan is vetoed if it was obviously inspired
by Boromir. 710. My info gathering mission must include info
that wasn’t obviously obtained in a brothel. 711. If almost all the words in my character’s
background start with the same letter, he’s vetoed. 712. When told to leave a trail for the rest of
the party to follow, they didn’t mean with cigarette butts. 713. Even if the rules allow it, can’t sink a battleship
with a stapler. 714. I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas. 715. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t invent
the strip joint. 716. I cannot play a race the GM can’t pronounce. 717. I cannot start the game in post-apocalyptic
Poland driving a Porsche. 718. Warnings given retroactively in battle aren’t
appreciated. 719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness
if I’m already 1′ tall, furry and a squirrel. 720. Don’t have to include the line “And then stab
them a lot” in the plan; it’s already assumed. 721. Even if my super power is invisibility, still
have to provide a model for my character. 722. Can’t intentionally fail all my secret door
checks so I don’t have to play Tomb of Horrors again. 723. If my character is related to a god, it can’t
be as a parent. 724. The time machine is not for finishing my set
of Disciple autographs. 725. No, there is not a Mr. Of Arc. No, I still can’t hit on her. 726. My black ops experience does not include panty
raids and beer runs. 727. Cannot singlehandedly make Starfleet Academy
the #1 party school in the Alpha Quadrant. 728. Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone
I just shot to a duel. 729. Cannot take the flaw Obsession: Elf Chick’s
lingerie. 730. No part of the plan includes: You give me
the idol, I give you the whip. 731. No matter how many called shots to the neck
I make, I’m still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display. 732. Not allowed to trade in my X-Wing for a Gunstar. 733. Cannot make a plan that hinges on the villain
first being allergic to peanuts. 734. My character’s background cannot be a wikipedia
biography with “Falco” crossed off and my character’s name written in. 735. Adding hydrolics to my R2 unit does not give
him an intimidate bonus. 736. No taking the party to Kara-Tur just because
my character has a thing for Asian chicks. 737. Will not color code everything on the ship
just to piss off the Vargyr. 738. Though highly educational, no more slipping
the anti-paladin sodium pentathal. 739. Can’t make the blacks ops super easy by sending
a couple of strippers to the guardroom first. 740. Not allowed to give my character a name from
a bushman click language. 741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana. 742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry
aren’t real alignments either. 743. Even if the rules allow it, can’t takes out
an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug. 744. My second wish can’t be for a new, more open
minded genie to grant my remaining wishes. 745. Can’t wish I was the GM. 746. No making up holidays for my cleric. 747. Can’t just walk the obstacle course, even
though I beat everybody who tried to run it. 748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person’s
face is not a gnomish expression of affection. 749. There is not a Spent Clip Fairy. 750. A bag of holding is a bad place to stash bear
traps, badgers or crushed glass. 751. If the party has to pose as classical German
composers, I will not declare “I’ll be Bach” 752. Cannot take the spetum as my favorite weapon
just because it sounds dirty. 753. No encouraging swedish accents. 754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance,
still can’t pick up the bank and walk away with it. 755. There is a reason no game has pasties in it’s
starting equipment list. 756. The Power Armor skill does not have a cascade
skill dance. 757. I will not build a character with a skill
from every single expansion book. 758. Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar
just for it’s pharmaceutical properties. 759. Restricted to one blue chip for humor per
game. 760. Can’t use the time machine to rename famous
historical discoveries after myself. 761. Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring. 762. Fighter can’t put points in Perform just so
he can hammer dance after each fatal critical hit. 763. No slipping the juicer Ritalin. 764. In the middle of a chase in a commandeered
car can’t spend an action to change the radio presets. 765. Can’t parry with a called shot to the face. 766. No more Crazy Ivans while I’m driving the
AT-AT. 767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out,
that means in the time zone I’m currently in. 768. Burning my bard song on CD and putting it
on repeat does not mean the effect never ends. 769. Before turning undead, make sure the assassin
didn’t take the vampire template. 770. My mythos investigator doesn’t talk in his
sleep. 771. Mashed potatoes do not add to my damage resistance. 772. Not allowed to base a paladin off Lee Marvin. 773. My great axe priviledges can be taken away. 774. If I’ve leveled up 5 times to the Dragonkin’s
0, that doesn’t mean I’m lapping him. 775. My investigator’s motto is not “99% Mythos
Lore, 1% Sanity- don’t push me” 776. Even if it was obviously in self defense,
my character is not allowed to kill George Takei. 777. Tai Kwan Doberman is not a real martial art. 778. It is not possible to bioengineer a kosher
pig. 779. Even if we are in Ravenloft, Paladin can’t
go up ten levels in one night. 780. When told I have to join the RPGA to play
in a game, can’t sign the membership card “D. Duck.” 781. My tribe’s trial by combat ritual is not best
described as “Calvinball with axes” 782. My paladin’s job is not to enforce happiness. 783. The following are also not acceptable Ironclaw
characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai Llama, Boom Orangutan. 784. Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat. 785. Even if the rules allow it, can’t shoot 20
guys in one round with a musket. 786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just
found as a pet. 787. “Start a career in modeling” is not an appropriate
use of the Suggestion spell. 788. “You take the scary one” is not our default
battle strategy. 789. Even if it’s for his own safety, can’t secretly
remove the firing pins from the powergamer’s guns. 790. If I have access to warm water, I don’t take
watch unsupervised. 791. Not allowed to give any birthday gift to a
child that immediately earns me a dark side point. 792. Despite the movie’s claims, Wookies get no
racial bonus for chess. 793. When building a superhero, can’t spend half
his points on radar sense and the other half on cooking. 794. Pregen characters do not have cutesy nicknames,
even if their real names are pretty lame. 795. Improved Evasion is not solid proof “Duck
and Cover” works. 796. In the middle of the black ops can’t lock
a bunch of long haired molting cats into the CEO’s office. 797. If in the middle of our dressing down our
CO strokes out, we took the joke too far. 798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot. 799. Can’t hunt drow with a spotlight and 30.06. 800. The default response to a social challenge
in any game is not to just shoot them. 801. We do not settle disputes in Paper-Rock-Scissors
with games of Vampire. 802. Fake eye spots on my helmets do not help intimidate
the monster. 803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that
of the Battleship Texas, there’s a problem. 804. I cannot take the Dementia: Obsession counting
things if I’m not a Malkavian. 805. On second thought, I can’t take it even if
I am a Malkavian. 806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact,
positive or negative, on a town’s population. 807. Large dice are for rolling. Not sound effects. 808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons. 809. I don’t earn the bonus XP for a written background
if it’s just a summary of the plot to Dig-Dug. 810. While the party is off searching for secret
doors, can’t position the slain orcs in compromising positions. 811. In the middle of a black ops can’t reprogram
the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight. 812. I don’t have to take a lower level bard adventuring
as my opening act. 813. Taking the orc warlord’s skull as a trophy
is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet. 814. Sending the villain a nymph stripper only
works once. 815. Somebody doesn’t “accidentally” fall on two
dozen shanks. 816. The adventure wrap up is the epilogue. Not Miller Time. 817. Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death. 818. Augment their psi means their mental powers,
not their air pressure. 819. Taking each class as I level in alphabetical
order is forbidden. 820. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin can’t
serve the god of obituaries. 821. My sorcerer will not take a level in druid
just to make it easier to get to the flammable stuff. 822. If everybody in the room is in black leather,
we’re in the thieves’ guild. Not a fetish club. 823. Even if infinitely useful, absolute power
over elastics is not an appropriate super power. 824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with
the lowest INT. 825. I cannot have Bracers of Brachiation until
I tell the DM what brachiation really means. 826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same
ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners. 827. My battlemech does not play Dixie every time
I hit the jump jets. 828. Even if the mages critically fumbles his stealth
check, can’t threaten to bleed him slow. 829. Despite the song’s claim, a pelvic thrust
does not cause Sanity loss. 830. Even if we are in Sweden, I can’t use one
blanket seduction check on the entire crowd. 831. I didn’t ‘accidentally’ forget to buy any
skills. 832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip
out leaving the DM’s super NPC to foot the bill. 833. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious
victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed. 834. I will stop reminding Elminster he’s not as
cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging wizard from Krull. 835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an
ambush by having sex with another character. 836. No paraphrasing the party leader’s elaborate
plan as ‘pick somebody you don’t like and let them know it.’ 837. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t take the
1st Armored Division as an ally. 838. Doesn’t matter how high my influence is; I
still can’t make Carmen Miranda hats part of the unit’s dress code. 839. In the middle of a black ops no inserting
a memo into the target’s computer mandating ‘clothing optional Mondays’. 840. Even if it would have immediately solved the
last six adventures, I won’t throw dynamite in every well I come across. 841. No more tricking rookies into putting whoopie
cushions on Lord Vader’s throne. 842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told
to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos. 843. It doesn’t matter how high his hit points
or damage reduction are, we aren’t sending the dwarf into battle via catapult. 844. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen
for telepaths. 845. It’s not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes
with “Who’s your daddy?” 846. Doesn’t matter if it’s an anime style game,
I don’t get a bonus to hit with eyepokes. 847. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell. 848. The Caern is not “Disneyworld as if run by
coyotes” 849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several
miles of hamster tubing at once. 850. Doesn’t matter how practical, we aren’t reanimating
the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us. 851. When plumbing the depths of depravity, I must
remember to come up for air. 852. Any superhero offensive to more than two major
religions is vetoed. 853. Even if I’m faced with yet another Get of
Fenris Lupus Ahroun, I will not refer to him as CliChe Guevara. 854. We will not take the dead dryad with us to
use as kindling. 855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear
until he comes back as something we can actually eat. 856. A funeral is not a proper place for setting
new fashion trends. 857. I will not disbelieve the magic mouth before
he gives out the important plot information. 858. Even if it is hours of entertainment, can’t
feed the Red Talon peanut butter. 859. I will concede we’re on a dungeon crawl and
stop trying to talk to the monsters. 860. Under religion I cannot put Born Again Klingon. 861. I will not use undocumented zombie workers
to help build my castle. 862. Bigby’s Offensive Finger is not a real spell. 863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller,
giving feuding TL1 tribes TL12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong. 864. My doctor’s bag will contain more than just
a bonesaw and a bottle of whiskey. 865. I do not put the cad in decadent, nor the
rave in depraved. 866. Even if it’s catchy, I don’t have to yell
my battlecry everytime I roll to attack. 867. We can’t all play bards just to relive our
favorite Spinal Tap moments. 868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect
larger than it’s range. 869. Richard Simmons is not an appropriate role
model for a Get of Fenris. 870. I will not use my vast personal knowledge
of Dublin, Texas to get an unfair advantage in the campaign. 871. My halfling cannot take the flaw Obsession:
Ring of Invisibility. 872. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before
I even pass through it is vetoed. 873. I will not combine Thermographic Sights and
a gun that can shoot through walls. It makes Black Ops too easy. 874. After cleaning out Ravenloft, when it’s my
turn to pick treasure, can’t call dibs on the castle. 875. If my superhero has a healing factor, claws,
combat sense and longevity, he can’t take the flaw Total Pacifist. 876. If I want to play a rampaging nordic warrior
and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can’t play her like a rampaging nordic warrior. 877. Even if I am playing a chick, I can’t spend
all my starting cash on shoes. 878. Rifts in the time/space continuum are not
for my personal amusement. 879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity. 880. Searching the dead PC for spell components
is ok. Using him for spell components is not. 881. Any character that can run the 2 minute mile
is vetoed. 882. I will not convince the party to name all
the characters the same thing. 883. I do not need to see proof of insurance before
making a medtech roll. 884. Customs doesn’t care what my charisma bonus
is. 885. Halflings do not store food in their cheeks
for winter. 886. Elves are not deciduous. 887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-elves
do not automatically go both ways. 888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from
meta-magic feats. 889. I will not try to regain sanity by nailing
the reporter chick in public. 890. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial
weapons. 891. I will not brag too loudly I’m the real reason
behind the sinking of the Titanic. 892. Cultists tend to notice if you’ve replaced
their summoning ritual with Jitterbug instructions. 893. Invisibility is all or nothing, can’t just
target their clothes. 894. I can’t just keeping buy rounds of drinks
until everybody passes out so I can rob them. 895. I will not miss the final epic battle just
because I crit my seduction check. 896. Polish is not a sub-dialect of gnomish. 897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm
off while actually appreciated is frowned upon. 898. Healing people of other faiths gets a penalty
in Deadlands. Not Serenity. 899. I will not have the architect build my castle
using a hexadecimal base to screw with the powergamer. 900. I will not fill the bag of holding with dirt
so we can just fill in pit traps as we detect them. 901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion
is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building. 902. Can’t set the bad guy on fire until after
I’ve blown the persuasion roll. 903. If I fail to make a bluff check, can’t shoot
him to change it to an intimidate check. 904. Not possible to fire a gun with your teeth. 905. Humming the James Bond theme in the middle
of a Black Ops doesn’t give me any bonuses. 906. They make platemail in a variety of styles. Crotchless is not one of them. 907. Can’t use my attack bonus as a substitute
for the skill: Hibachi Chef. 908. I can’t take Telekinesis as an auxilary mode
just to get free food from the snack machine. 909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me
use the battlecry “DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!” 910. I will not convince the entire party to play
rockerboys so we can be a Europe cover band. 911. Can’t take a level of monk just for tone. 912. Droogie is not a starting language. 913. After casting my one first level spell, can’t
leave the dungeon to go sleep. 914. Can’t bribe the biokinetic to take my drug
test for me. 915. On second thought, let’s not disguise the
wookies in the stormtrooper uniforms. 916. A runic facial tattoos is acceptable for my
berserker. Not a Betty Boop. 917. Have one point in every single skill in the
game doesn’t count as a super power. 918. Can’t clean out the dungeon by renting the
adjacent dungeon and being as obnoxious as possible. 919. Goldfish do not get a bonus in a staredown. 920. My mech gunner can’t have a nude pinup in
his cockpit. Especially if it’s of his pilot. 921. “But she’s hot!” is not an acceptable excuse
for my Black Ops solo dating the tabloid reporter. 922. No matter how much we look, we’re not finding
the secret door leading to the back of the villain’s hideout. 923. Druids do not hibernate. 924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself:
“Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?” 925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot
than I can physically carry is vetoed. 926. If given a stock NPC, I must play him as written. So Jar-Jar has to lose the sarape and the
cigar. 927. I do not get a bulk discount at the jenny’s
guild. 928. The Flaw: Odious Personal Habit- Teleports
into romantic moments is only available at the maximum penalty. 929. Telekinetic Redhead Chick is not a real superhero. 930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate
the world on foot in one turn. 931. There are no alignment restrictions on becoming
a lawyer. 932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have
to line up in a straight line to fight me. 933. If escorting a high priority target, I can’t
biosculpt the entire team to look like her. 934. Nerve gas complicates fast talk rolls. 935. Cannot take the shape of any animal the GM
doesn’t know. 936. ‘The power of Christ compels me’ does not
justify my Blessed’s actions. 937. I cannot take life insurance out on anybody
I have for the enemy background. 938. Psychotherapy doesn’t eliminate the alignment
change penalty. 939. Just because I’ve hit name level does not
automatically give me groupies. 940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set
up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds. 941. In the middle of a black ops I cannot make
an educational video. 942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl
for the same reason miners need canaries. 943. I am not Bjorn of Borg. 944. Before accepting a harem as a reward for my
heroism, need to check with the wife. 945. I don’t get any equipment before the GM can
Google it. 946. If Australia doesn’t exist, I can’t use my
Australian accent. Even if I am playing a space koala. 947. I cannot bet the powergamer he can’t field
strip the grenade faster than me. 948. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t catch
dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks. 949. I will not make my castle’s halls 9x9x9′ to
keep out gelatinous cubes. 950. The ability to give superpowers to characters
is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is
not. 951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu
is not movement. 952. Keifer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos
in my character’s background telling him he’s destined for greatness. 953. No matter how high my strength, still can’t
use that wall as a shield. 954. I will not convince the entire party to play
identical copies of the same character on the grounds we’re sextuplets. 955. No matter his age, my bard can’t start a boy-band. 956. Despite the halberd being 6′ long, it can’t
hit monsters more than 5′ away. 957. Even if it’s been more than two hours since
we left the bar, the dwarf isn’t getting the DT’s.
958. No matter how practical, I can’t have shotgunchucks. 959. The town drunk is not our one stop source
for all mythos happenings in every town. 960. I will not base my Call of Cthulhu character
off the lead character in Slingblade. 961. Even if I am pissed for working on my birthday,
in the middle of a Black Ops I will not refer to my CO only by his first name. 962. If I don’t have an instrument for my bardic
song, an ‘air mandolin’ won’t suffice. 963. After critting with a cannon, we can’t dump
a barrel of gunpowder over the gunner’s mate. 964. Elves aren’t marsupials. 965. Even if we’re freezing to death, I won’t cut
open the half-orc and shove the elf inside him. 966. Using precog on the personals to find out
who puts out on a first date is abusing the power. 967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem. 968. A paladin with a British accent is acceptable. One with a Peter Lorre accent isn’t. 969. When I’m allowed a bunny as a familiar, that
doesn’t include Ava Fabian. 970. I will not make a super hero that requires
a graphing calculator to create. 971. I cannot take the flaw Enemy: Random packs
of wild dogs. 972. “Threesome” is not a specialty of the seduction
skill. 973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas
funerals. 974. If short changed at the Hong Kong deli I will
call the manager. Not roll for initiative. 975. There is something wrong with a 2nd level
Kamikaze. 976. I was not issued a flamethrower for my own
personal amusement. 977. Disable plot device is not a real skill. 978. Nowhere in the plan does Franco go in where
the others have been. 979. Mumus do not appear in the starting equipment
list for a reason. 980. As a matter of fact, a 90′ tall hostile pineapple
is much more terrifying than a dragon. 981. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok. 982. Trailblaze means find a path, not cut down
every tree between here and there. 983. Elves do not take 1d3 1 minutes for their
entire menstrual cycle. 984. In the middle of a black ops I cannot moonlight
as tech support. 985. Even if it isn’t in the rules, I have to use
the same scale miniature as everybody else. 986. I cannot switch miniatures between each combat. 987. Even if starving, can’t suckle the elf chick. 988. David Bowie cannot cast glitterdust at will. This issue is also closed. 989. When asked to describe my character, I can
leave out the hickies. 990. Even if he botches his medicine roll, I can’t
sue the medtech for malpractice. 991. “Kiww the Wabbit” is not a proper viking battlecry. 992. The rest of the party would appreciate it
if I didn’t take Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy as a flaw. 993. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t empty
out the entire castle for a week with just a cherry bomb. 994. Corporate Pop Whore is not a real prestige
class. 995. Drakkar Heartgourger is not a proper name
for a paladin. 996. Dwarves can’t take trees as favored enemies. 997. I can’t beat on the drow until he admits his
name is Toby. 998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not
cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon. 999. I can’t train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple
rules. 1000. I will stop referring to the powergamer as
MinMaximus. 1001. No matter how bad the game is going, I won’t
stradle the table like Slim Pickens riding a bomb. 1002. Foam Finger of Death is not a real spell. 1003. I cannot start with an armor class higher
than my actual age. 1004. Not permitted to die from essence loss during
character creation. 1005. Even if I bought the book at Walmart, I don’t
get a discount on advantages. 1006. If I take the Poison Immunity advantage, that
doesn’t include Radiation. 1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence. 1008. Texans do not get revolvers as a racial weapon
proficiency. 1009. No matter how many points I put into the skill,
can’t use sword swallowing to parry. 1010. Stone Giants don’t have heat sinks. 1011. Even if we are facing Yuan Ti, my battlecry
cannot be “COBRA!” 1012. Note to self: Lightsaberchucks…BAD IDEA
1013. The expressive dance skill is not a substitute
for language skills. 1014. I will stop blaming every massacre we come
across on Decepticons. 1015. Despite what the rules say, berserking does
not improve my aim. 1016. Even if spells are use them or lose them,
I will not waste Meteor Swarms on a goblin. 1017. I will not lay siege to Cinderella’s Castle. 1018. Elves do not get Viking Funerals. 1019. Even if we have more ammo than fuel, I still
have to cut down the tree with the chainsaw, not the HMG.
1020. If we have to add a new PC mid-campaign, he
doesn’t have to pass a drug test first. 1021. Can’t use the Jedi Mind Trick to convince
the stormtroopers the Droids over there are the Droids they are looking for. 1022. Can’t start the game with 24 hours to live. 1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually
knowing the spell. 1024. Slings make poor thongs. And vice versa. 1025. If I have two cyberarms, they have to be on
different sides. 1026. My character cannot gain a level through nepotism. 1027. I will not use the d20 system to test the
validity of any Kennedy Assassination theory. 1028. My character has mastery level in singing. I do not. 1029. I will not convert to Eilistraee just so I
can watch naked drow chicks getting their groove on. 1030. No matter how much he pisses me off, I will
not raise the barbarian’s dead mother-in-law. 1031. Just because my superhero game has 18 stats
and yours only has 3, doesn’t mean mine is 6x better. 1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the
world a better place. 1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways ‘gangsta
style’ does not add to my intimidate check. 1034. Even if I wait for the ninja to jump at me,
I can’t crucify him with a repeating crossbow in a single round. 1035. If at any point in his lifespan my character
can clear out every single Cave of Chaos in one single round, he’s vetoed. 1036. My druid can’t summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it’s not allowed in the rulebook. 1037. Kangaroos are poor substitutes for taun-tauns. 1038. There is no such thing as a Viking Assisted
Suicide. 1039. Jury Summoning I is not a real spell. 1040. I can not name my character anything that
was suggested by Tom Servo. 1041. Doesn’t matter if I’m just using to spot
weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point. 1042. Erasing the compass on the map and redrawing
it in reverse does not mean the villain will start building his evil railroad backwards. 1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind. 1044. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can’t
impact the total world supply. 1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see
if they have treasure inside like in video games. 1046. We can’t stabilize the dying villain before
we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain. 1047. If my troll is the smartest character in the
party, the entire party is vetoed. 1048. I will not attempt to overdose on Rogaine
so I can disguise myself as a wookie. 1049. I can’t summon anything in MM4 just so I
can take a bathroom break while the DM looks it up. 1050. If the weapon has the 3-handed trait, I don’t
get a sidekick just for the extra hand. 1051. As a matter of fact, the high and tight buzz
cut doesn’t exist in Exalted. 1052. I’m not automatically eliminated from the
crappy module if I guess the wrong murderer like in Clue. So I should stop making random accusations. 1053. I was not raised by a pack of feral Ironclads. 1054. I will call the elf druid by his real impossibly
long elf name, and not just Llanowar Leafblower. 1055. I will also not simply refer to the elf druid
as that dirty, dirty hippie. 1056. There is no such thing as a Dwarven Battle
Perm. 1057. Canadian is not a real language. 1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation
section, I will keep turning those pages. 1059. Even if the villain is Lawful Evil, slapping
a cease and desist order on him isn’t going to work. 1060. I will go into the villain’s lair and take
him out the old fashioned way. Not just wait outside his favorite bar with
a rifle. 1061. In the middle of a Black Ops I do not have
time to put a banana in the exhaust port of their AV-9. 1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich
isn’t immune to, he’s immune to it. 1063. Even if my character sheet says otherwise,
I can’t max out the party with Delta class Cyberware immediately after character generation. 1064. Even if I can prove at least a half dozen
practical uses for it, I can’t have a slip and slide for the dungeon crawl. 1065. Even if we are playing in the New Republic
era, I can’t call dibs on Boba Fett’s armor. 1066. If the GM’s wife is in the party, I’m
not allowed to hunt anything cute. 1067. I do not get to put remote detonation switches
into the weapons of any PC’s I build them for. 1068. I cannot have a handgun that starts out doing
more damage than most people have wounds. 1069. I do not have to check before each adventure
that my fellow adventurers are not doppelgangers, Cylons or pod people. 1070. Even if we are Womprat hunting, we don’t
have to dye the wookie fluorescent orange. 1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon
the old fashioned way, and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead. 1072. After rerouting a river through the villain’s
lair, I will not pan for gold wherever the river comes out. 1073. Just because the game left the rules for stun
setting grossly unbalanced doesn’t mean I have to take advantage of it. 1074. Despite the name, I can’t actually wear
a cloaker. But I will fail to notice the cloak weighs
over a quarter ton. 1075. Metal detectors don’t automatically find
Cylons. 1076. When told to dress like a Goth I will make
sure with no uncertainty whether they mean black clothes and eyeliner or chainmail and
shield. 1077. There is no such thing as a weresaxophonist. 1078. If 48 straight hours of pistol whipping doesn’t
convince the terrorist to spill his guts, another 48 hours probably won’t either. 1079. A tattoo gun is not standard equipment in
a mapping kit. 1080. The Cryokinetic is forever banned from water
balloon fights. 1081. Even if the rules allow it, my sumo wrestler
can’t take super human attractiveness. 1082. There is no such thing as a brothel crawl. 1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill
out wikipedia articles. 1084. My sumo wrestler can’t have lap band surgery
without affecting his martial arts skills. 1085. “Everybody Wang Chung tonight” is not
an acceptable use of the Mass Suggestion spell. 1086. Tornadoes don’t have hit points. 1087. Even if I take twice as long, that doesn’t
mean I can take 40. 1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects
at malkavians, kobolds or kender. Or their players. 1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World
of Warcraft, my character can’t speak in Leet. 1090. Even if I roll a natural 20, I can’t jump
the grand cannon on a stock steam roller. 1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character
dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over. 1092. If the battle goes for 20 rounds, we don’t
have to stop and wait for the zamboni guy to clean up the battlefield. 1093. I will not tell the rookies they can roll
down their Y-Wing’s windows. 1094. My wizard does not need to shout out the name
of what he’s summoning every time he picks a creature. 1095. Anything short of adamantine full plate is
not considered light armor for dwarves. 1096. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t start
a major Corpwar just because I’m bored stiff with the current run. 1097. Even if he used INT as a dump stat, I don’t
have to carve ‘this end towards enemy’ on the barbarian’s axe blade. 1098. If I’m in an assault mech, bump drafting
is discouraged. 1099. After a successful Black Ops, before I’m
paid I will not immediately adopt a dozen children for the tax breaks. 1100. I cannot wish that someone else was an Oscar
Meyer weiner. 1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the
haul instead of fighting them. 1102. 1980’s break dancing moves have their place. In front of the Vodacce prince is not one
of them. 1103. Just because I was paid in advance doesn’t
mean I can let the incompetent expedition leader die. 1104. There is a limit to how much innuendo I can
fit into one combat round. 1105. Even if it is just my character speaking,
I will not claim Texas was stolen from Mexico. I will live longer that way. 1106. I cannot put Nodens on speed dial. 1107. I will not attempt to clear out the dungeon
using only Bangalore torpedoes. 1108. Picking his pocket means more than just turning
him upside down and shaking him vigorously. 1109. I will not do anything that Bilbo Baggins
hates. 1110. Even if I have enough, putting silencers on
my minigun doesn’t work. 1111. There is no such thing as a Magic Murder Bag
of Holding. 1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just
the Elf Mk II. 1113. I will not shoot vampires in the chest with
a large pistol just so they have to explain the embarrassing sucking chest wound. 1114. I will not take a phobia of anything that
doesn’t exist in the game world. 1115. If I have an ability that lets me alter minor
aspects of my appearance, that doesn’t include girth. 1116. Add Bulldozers to the list of things vampires
are allergic to. 1117. Can’t strangle a werewolf with a roll of
Kodak film, no matter what we all know it’s made out of. 1118. In the middle of a black ops I will not use
up all the claymores just because I don’t want to take them back with me. 1119. I cannot have my mercy surgically removed. 1120. Even if I’m in charge I can’t order the
Assault Lance to perform West Side Story dance routines. 1121. If given a Holy Avenger sword, I can’t melt
it down and reforge it into a weapon my paladin actually uses. 1122. Even if it still give a combat bonus to everybody
else, I can’t just stand there and read a comic book behind the villain. 1123. In the middle of a black ops I can’t call
my girlfriend to remind her to pick up some Chinese on her way home. 1124. I will leave out mating rituals when presenting
a cultural exchange with diplomatic ambassadors. 1125. Letting the Red Shirt guard the plane is really
frowned upon as it doesn’t leave anybody to sacrifice to the Shoggoths. 1126. Cannot start the campaign on fire. 1127. Will not start all my skills at 89% just so
I get massive SAN boosts early. 1128. I cannot RickRoll people with any video that
increases their Mythos Lore. 1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump
and Magnificent Mansion on every police box we pass. 1130. I cannot wish we were playing the previous
edition of the game. 1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the
Fire Elemental doesn’t work. 1132. There will be no more debating how much XP
Mr. Tumnus would be worth. 1133. I cannot be the Bizarro version of another
player. 1134. Nowhere in my barbarian’s description will
I include the word “Jaunty” 1135. My Eshu does not get bonus frequent flyer
miles automatically during character generation. 1136. Doesn’t matter how big we make it, a pit
trap isn’t going to take out the Tarrasque. 1137. I have to go into the dungeon, not just send
in dozens of summoned creatures every morning. 1138. Fireballs don’t have a non-lethal option. I will ponder this after I’ve cast one at
that guy we needed alive. 1139. My weapon is a 3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire. 1140. I will not use a portable hole to cheat at
golf. 1141. In the middle of a Black Ops I will not look
at the target’s HR files to see if they have better benefits. 1142. I will not use the mage’s Staff of Wizardry
in lieu of a pool cue. 1143. Torching the forest doesn’t get me any XP
for anything inside the forest. 1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the
villain without being in at least an adjacent county. 1145. A 2nd level commoner is not twice as common
as a 1st level commoner. 1146. If we don’t have a thief, I can’t call
AAA to slim jim the dungeon entry door. 1147. I will lick the Rodian’s antennae and stick
him to the wall while he sleeps. 1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper
will not shoot the speaker introducing the target. 1149. During the psi-jump my neutral can’t do
mean things to the psions while they are tripping. 1150. I will not try to feed the Qin extremely salty
food to see if he melts. 1151. Our mission is to rescue the princess. Not to bring Sexy back. 1152. Even if given detailed instructions on pages
50-51, can’t take Cloud City on a joy ride. 1153. I can’t wish to change my vote on what module
we’re playing. 1154. Bass line is not an acceptable perform skill
specialty. 1155. Thri-kreen do not have the flaw Obsession:
Pretty lights 1156. The party leader is not the one that looks
best in a chainmail bikini. 1157. I can’t ‘make it rain’ before the invention
of paper currency. 1158. If I make a cowboy with the young ‘un flaw
I can’t name him Sioux. 1159. If I don’t have any points in medtech, I
can’t try faith healing. 1160. We will not end every adventure with a public
service announcement. 1161. If my character requires the GM to memorize
the rules for siege warfare, he’s vetoed. 1162. We can’t trade the ranger for a giant, pirate
or padre. 1163. I am forbidden from using more than ten sourcebooks
to make one character. 1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly
complicated riddle before answering correctly. 1165. I can’t wish for somebody to publish the
rules for gnomes or bards. 1166. The time machine is not for collecting autographs. 1167. I can stop rolling at 7x dead. 1168. I am forbidden from doing anything that makes
a passerby flinch. 1169. If even the rules allow it, I can’t have
my uneducated peasant start with every known language. 1170. If the rules contradict Isaac Newton, Newton
wins. 1171. I will not send the villain a fake message
his mother is coming then attack him while he’s cleaning. 1172. My brooding costumed vigilante can’t take
the flaw Dark Secret: Well Adjusted to Society. 1173. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary,
Dick Clark is not Shemsu-Heru. 1174. Even if I spend the points, I can’t take
the U.S.S. Montana as an ally. 1175. My knight will not buy a Shetland pony just
so he can use his lance underground. 1176. I will remember the spiked chain cheesemonster
is allergic to the improved sunder feat. 1177. I will stop asking NPC’s how much XP they
are worth. 1178. The seduction skill does not have a to hit
on roll. 1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check,
the Star Destroyer crew isn’t going to believe I’m the new captain. 1180. Dressing up the wizard as the monk still won’t
stop monsters from appearing beside him and attacking him first. 1181. When asked what game we want to LARP, Frogger
is not an option. 1182. Chewing hoagga leaves does not make me a goddammed
sexual rhinodon. 1183. No it won’t help if we put a silencer on
the bazooka. 1184. When approached by a famous historical figure,
I can assume he’s a time traveler and not a zombie. 1185. Paladins do too urinate. 1186. In the middle of a black ops my buttocks is
forbidden from making contact with the target’s copy machine. 1187. It’s okay to feed the Ewok after midnight. 1188. Flash Bangs are not to be handed out to trick
or treaters. 1189. A stagehand does not get a better sneak bonus
than ninjas. 1190. I will not Conga Line the Pattern. 1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors
are vetoed. 1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between
Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. 1193. I will avoid making wishes that locks the
game in an infinite time loop. 1194. I will not go to FTL just to avoid the red
lights. 1195. I will not min/max the appraise skill just
to clean up on The Price is Right. 1196. Even if we cleared it out, we can’t turn
White Plume Mountain into a theme park. 1197. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t put
a spinal mounted weapon on a bicycle. 1198. I cannot have a destroid that requires me
to take the ally advantage two dozen times just to crew it. 1199. Stan Lee does not have to make a cameo appearance
in every single adventure. 1200. Even if I make it out of one continuous design,
a dracheneisen castle doesn’t count as one object. 1201. ‘Just blow them out the airlock’ is not
a backup First Contact Protocol. 1202. Even if it’s totally feasible, I can’t
indefinitely stall our rivals with a bureaucracy check. 1203. My panzerhand doesn’t get a vote. 1204. Smartass is not a character role. 1205. I can’t have any feat in the main book if
the feat is written in pencil. 1206. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t download
several thousands songs on the target’s computer and then call the RIAA. 1207. There is no such thing as ‘ambiguously elven’
1208. Even if he is Chaotic Evil, I can’t turn
state’s evidence against a fellow party member. 1209. Even if the boss monster has 100% magic resistance,
my wizard can’t go catch a movie. 1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower
I can actually use. 1211. I cannot have any gun that has an NPC Only
Trigger Guard. 1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my Jedi
can’t have a flamethrower. 1213. No, we can’t see if the party can beat Temple
of Elemental Evil in under an hour. 1214. I will stop trying to put the Halfling in
a diabetic coma. 1215. If I’m just a few XP from 16th level, I
can’t just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something. 1216. I can’t have a gun that treats buildings
as light cover. 1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn’t
kill the villain with the first shot of the combat. 1218. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in
groups. 1219. Penguins will not fit in the standard ether
jar. 1220. The Vulcan neck pinch doesn’t work in campaigns
without Vulcans. 1221. Just because my sword is intelligent doesn’t
mean he can do my math homework for me. 1222. It’s a strangehold. Not an Ogryn neck pinch. 1223. Ussuran women are not instantly recognizable
by their beards. 1224. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t hit
Stone with the Stone Cold Stunner. 1225. Having more beer than the enemy doesn’t
give me a morale bonus for the mass combat chart. 1226. No feat allows me to open beer cans with my
pects. 1227. The Death Star does not need a cabin boy. 1228. ‘Overused cliché’ is not an appropriate
favored enemy. 1229. I cannot gain Drama Dice in games I’m not
actually in. 1230. It’s okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can’t name my Garou Namflow. 1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren’t
going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor. 1232. “Head, Heart, Run” is not our posse’s
motto. 1233. No matter how much sense it makes, we can’t
paint the Glitterboy a camo scheme. 1234. My first act as XO can’t be a mutiny. 1235. Not allowed to use the replicator and transporter
to fill the Bird of Prey with Jello. 1236. I can’t take Invisibility to Detect Invisibility. 1237. My fighter can’t use the Monster Manual
as a To-Do list. 1238. No making up Patron Saints. 1239. No part of the adventure is clothing optional. 1240. No matter what the dice say, I didn’t just
seduce Chun Li. And Cammy. 1241. It takes more than one pick pocket roll to
totally derail the campaign. 1242. I can’t wish that somebody competent wrote
this module. 1243. Even if the game is dreadfully repetitive,
our party is motto can’t be ‘Wash, Rinse, Repeat’
1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would
make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it’s true. 1245. Must at least pay lip service to the metaplot. 1246. It’s not possible to stampede dwarves. 1247. When told to pick a published superhero to
play, Johnny Cash is not allowed. Paul Stanley is perfectly acceptable. 1248. There is no such thing as a strap on beard. 1249. It doesn’t matter if he took the large advantage,
we aren’t using the Ussuran as ballast. 1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion,
Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male. 1251. Even the rules disagree, my character can
still drown. 1252. I cannot take the following as my favored
enemies: Southpaws, Mother-in-law or Keynesian Economists. 1253. Even if I’m being shanghaied into playing
a rather crappy campaign, can’t use Constitution as a dump stat. 1254. We aren’t luring the Arasaka agents out
of the safehouse by making ice cream truck noises. 1255. Splitting the atom at will is not an acceptable
super power. 1256. ‘Ignore the metaplot’ is also not an acceptable
super power. 1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make
a gatling gun out of bazookas. 1258. Can’t base my character off a smurf. 1259. Even if I could base my character off a smurf,
Ghurka Smurf was not a real smurf. 1260. No matter what the dice say, my renaissance
inventor didn’t just invent manned space flight. 1261. If the villain’s three room lair holds over
one hundred brutes, can’t just tip off the Fire Marshal. 1262. No rerouting the roller coaster through the
Umbra. 1263. Can’t blame it on my gun. 1264. Will not retrofit my Federation Starship with
fuses. 1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip. 1266. I will stop referring to my rogue as a freelance
subterranean locksmith. 1267. The lockpicking kit must be more than a sawed
off shotgun. 1268. Dwarves are physically incapable of performed
the Dance of the Seven Veils. 1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was
famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet. 1270. Weapon Focus: Nukes is not a real feat. 1271. There will not be any sex in other player’s
battlemechs. 1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment
if he doesn’t watch exactly where he lays on hands. 1273. Any character that makes a seasoned Rifts
player flinch is vetoed, and shall never be spoken of again. 1274. I can’t check the Soul Forge in as baggage. 1275. Will not reanimate dead familiars just to
keep them around for sentimental reasons. 1276. Freeing slaves out of justice is good. Out of spite, not so much. 1277. Hello Everybody. Today I will be reading you
Things Mr. Welch is not allowed to do in a RPG numbers 1-100. If you wish to read along
there will be the TVtropes link and the actual blog post where it originated from in the
description as well as links to other places of my channel. Alright we will start with
number 1. 1. Cannot base characters off the Who’s drummer
Keith Moon. 2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard
instrument. 3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not ‘Southern’ Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook. 9. My monk’s lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn’t mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I’m the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher. 15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much
gunpowder as Plan A. 16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less
than 10 minutes from memory. 17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate
name for a super hero. 18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword
over HILT first. 19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music. 21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death
Star Trench Run out of genre. 22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy
War Rhino. 23. Any character who has a sensitivity training
center named after him will be taken away. 24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed
to summon 50,000 Blue Whales. 25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you’re the paladin.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren’t a zombie in
Twilight 2000. 28. The Goddess’ of Marriage chosen weapon
is not the whip. 29. I cannot have any gun that requires me
to continue the damage code on back. 30. I am not to kill off all the vampires
in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid. 31. The backup trap handler is not whoever
has the most HP at the time. 32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100
or over. 33. There is no such skill as ‘improvised
cooking’ 34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off
any character played by Joe Pesci. 35. I am not allowed to convince the entire
party to play R2 units. 36. I am not allowed to convince the entire
party to sit on the same side of the table. 37. They do not make black market illegal
cyberweapons for rodents. 38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed
to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability ‘can lick their eyebrows’
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability ‘impromptu kickstand’
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes. 48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the
rest of the adventure. 49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star
before that snotty farm kid gets his shot. 50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science
to asphyxiate the orcs’ cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members. 55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed
to glaze the elf. 56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel
cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint. 57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask
a guard to validate parking. 58. Expended ammunition is not a business
expense. 59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing
positions when he’s on a run. 60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll
of impotent deities. 61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack
of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him. 62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw
Han Solo do once. 63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if
I say please. 64. My paladin’s battle cry is not “Good for
the Good God” 65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party
speaks. 67. There is no Kung Fu manuever “McGuire
Swings For Bleachers” 68. Bring him back intact includes redundant
organs. 69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile.
Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no ‘annoy’ setting on a phasor 72. Not allowed to start a character who is
over 100 years old unless he’s an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief’s battle cry is not “Run And Live”
75. Nor is it “You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps”
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal. 80. When accepting a challenge for a duel,
I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty
for a successful called shot. 87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under
her tabard. 89. The elf’s name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not “Bloodbath and Beyond”
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount
again. 94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master
on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski. 95. I must not put the Thunder God on the
spot again. 96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be ‘I wish everything on this piece of paper was true’
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka. 99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a
shotgun blast with their lightsaber. 100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook
is allowed, that doesn’t include System Lords. 101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer’s dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club 3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a 1 Longsword, 5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. 107. There is no such game as Wereshark the
Buffet. 108. No, I do not get XP for every single
crewman on that Star Destroyer. 109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any
part from a DC-10 larger than my car. 110. Not allowed to serenade the party even
if my character has an internal tape deck. 111. I did not pick the garrote skill last
week from my grandmother. 112. If the gun can’t fit through the x-ray
machine, it doesn’t go on the plane. 113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase
any Jack Nicholson soliloquy. 114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed
in the bag of holding once. 115. My musical instrument does not double
as a personal flotation device. 116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during
the final super villain showdown. 117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating
Disc only once per day. 118. I will pick a more traditional paladin
weapon instead of a sledgehammer. 119. My character’s names cannot be anagrams
of playboy playmates. 120. Not allowed to kill another party member
with a boomerang again. 121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave
Cleaning Services Inc. 122. The paladin’s alignment is not Lawful
Anal. 123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps
when the powergamer has point. 124. I cannot insert the words “Kill Phil,
Sorry Phil” into any list of instructions. 125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally
so many times per day. 126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind. 129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head. 131. Not allowed to bet how many times the
lich bounces. 132. There is no such feat called “Death Blossom”
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord’s head for more than one round.
134. The King’s Guards official name is not “The Royal Order of the Red Shirt”
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy. 138. If the mere thought of it costs the others
sanity, I’m forbidden from doing it. 139. My bard is required to take levels in
the perform skill and cannot ‘just play by ear’
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu. 142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar
rush just to jack up the CR later. 143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every
god just in case one of them is right. 144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody
now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn’t involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma
check. 154. I am not allowed to rub the monk’s head
for luck. 155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the
elf chick for any reason. 156. When one person forgets to buy rations
eating the half-elf is not our first option. 157. Any capital scale weapon is not ‘my little
friend’. 158. I will not declare myself a god just
so I can grant myself spells. 159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by
that creepy guy. 162. What ever monster we just killed is not
to be tonight’s dinner. 163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version
of any dog of the toy breeds. 164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin’s
mom about his career choice. 165. I am forbidden from replacing anything
with folger’s crystals to see if they notice. 166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander
into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection. 167. I was not recruited by Star League for
any reason. 168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves
and a wizard to rob a dragon. 169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess
of fertility. 170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any
anagram thereof. 171. My character’s dying words are not allowed
to be “Hastur, Hastur, Hastur” 172. At no point can I justify spending force
points on a seduction check. 173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers’ March
of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep. 174. There is no use of Shatner’s spoken word
album that doesn’t require a humanity check. 175. I am not directly descended from either
Huey Lewis or any member of the News. 176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum,
anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans. 177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a
right. 178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power. 181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god. 187. I cannot gain more than three drama die
per session for making the GM pee. 188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent,
nor a cajun dwarf. 189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason
to kill the character at creation. 190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly
forbidden. 191. My character is not related in anyway
to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have
it. 193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic
charges. 194. When the other guy picks swords for the
choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can’t say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just
to stay sharp. 198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be ‘I wish you wouldn’t grant this wish’
200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf,
Karaoke, Musician. 203. My superhero’s strength is not classified
as snazzy, neato or bodacious. 204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy
for the elf, so sexy myself. 205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed
to start a business named Thay Co. 206. I cannot forge a 1 sword of Brad’s Min/Maxed
Paladin/Monk Slaying. 207. The following weapons are not legal choices
in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin’s heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin’s heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage,
he dies. 212. If the party always starts the adventure
in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel. 213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer. 215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump
action. 216. There is an upper limit to the number
of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon. 217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires
hiding behind engine blocks, I can’t have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just “The
Other Guys”. 220. I am not the master of the low blow or
the gang up. 221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again,
that’s gonna get some paradox. 222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn’t.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half
gnome do you? 225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum…bad idea. 227. My last wish cannot be “I wish we were
playing another game.” 228. I cannot use my time machine to hire
Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2. 229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if
the elf can take a punch. 230. There is no such thing as monofilament
tooth floss. 231. I am not allowed to do anything that
would make a Sith Lord cry. 232. It is not possible to recreate any scene
from Dr. Who in Crinos. 233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed
I am going to have skill in medicine. 234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two
more than none. 236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons
of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor’s garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass
armonica. 240. Any character with more than three skills
specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. 241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get
out of a speeding ticket. 242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain
Dew. 243. Cannot cast haste on the king during
a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they
forgot to take any. 245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose
name the GM confuses with a strip joint. 246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy’s
always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it
a forest. 248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for
overtime. 250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero
concept. 251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy
of Gundam Wing Z. 252. I can not order the Druid to transform
and roll out. 253. If the other party members forget to
take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss
America Pageant. 255. I cannot create a superhero that can
palm the moon. 256. The following cleric domains do not exist:
Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers 257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor 5
259. My Highlander’s name cannot be McHammer. 260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in
bobsled. 261. The Barbarian’s name does not translate
into “Screams like little sissy girl” in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather
clad, oiled down with big bosoms. 265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least
what one of the buttons in his cockpit does. 266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank
call C-SWAT on the target’s phone. 267. I cannot yell “FREEBIRD” every time the
bard makes a perform roll. 268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in
3rd person. 269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities
of rope. 271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters
with skills in medicine. 272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration.
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can’t take the tax accountant
skill. 274. I cannot commune with the Gods during
peak hours. 275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is
not a dwarven delicacy. 276. I must remember at dinner time Log is
not an elven delicacy. 277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings
with spontaneous games of dodgeball. 278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full
impact of for more than a minute is forbidden. 279. I cannot base any elf off of any British
Prime Minister. 280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist
in any genre except Paranoia. 281. I cannot get emotionally attached to
any generic nondescript unnamed NPC. 282. Even if laughter is the best medicine,
it still doesn’t restore any of my HP. 283. I have been assured with total certainty
Ralph is not a Japanese name. 284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can’t
help others make a decision. 285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even
if I was, that doesn’t excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight “Don’t wet yourself in public” is not what
they were looking for. 288. I cannot name my character after another
PC already in this game. 289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction:
Helium. 290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we’re
in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I’ve killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they
are roman candles. 298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.
301. “Well Hung” is not a physical, social or mental trait.
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it’s obvious I’m describing
Burt Reynolds. 304. My life long nemesis is not allowed to
be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me.
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited
from doing. 306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals.
307. Even if he can use them from the start, my barbarian can’t specialize in fencing weapons.
308. A Mao suit is not proper garb for my shugenja.
309. I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets and
bear traps. 310. I cannot spend all my points on just
followers. 311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot
start the game as pope. 312. I am not the son, father, husband, exroommate,
former professor or retired garbageman of the villain.
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped
off. 314. Under ‘Religion’ I cannot put ‘Xenu’.
315. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides
everywhere. 316. My character is not allowed to commit
suicide five minutes into the campaign. 317. My battlecry is not ‘Now young Skywalker
you will die’. 318. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation
of the future. 319. My character does not have the flaw:
Dark Secret- I’m Kilroy. 320. The Sultan does not want a treasure bath.
321. The monk’s official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy.
322. My bard knows more songs than just “I Saw Your Mommy”
323. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious deadly disease.
324. I cannot start the game pregnant. 325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity
in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.
326. Cannot accumulate 200 points of flaws for Hackmaster.
327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One.
328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it’s the coolest setting.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.
330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.
331. I cannot invoke Consecrate Weapon on a Man of War
332. I cannot spend character points to buy imaginary friends.
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means.
334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards. 335. When installing cyberware, can’t install
the Clapper as a built in feature. 336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with
a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying
piranha. 338. Any character named El Robotico Jiraffe
de Fuego is begging to be vetoed. 339. Can’t avoid going on an epic quest with
the excuse “Can’t find a sitter” 340. I cannot start the game married to another
PC without their consent. 341. Not allowed to declare myself a free
agent and take offer from other adventuring parties.
342. After the first adventure I cannot write a tell all book about the party.
343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard.
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can’t make the other guy’s head explode.
345. I don’t have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
346. I most certainly don’t have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt
range. 347. If I’m not the decker, I can’t do anything
I saw in Tron once. 348. The rest of the party appreciates it
if I don’t start the game in Cyberpsychosis. 349. Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell.
350. I am not allowed to buzz ANYTHING. 351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast
352. When I choose my wizard’s familar, Belgians are not a legal choice.
353. I cannot pick a Destroid that makes the Veritech pilots feel inadequate.
354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses
for the bounty is frowned upon. 355. My monk’s battlecry is not “Round 1:
Fight!” 356. No matter how well I roll, the Quack
skill is not a substitute for the Doctor skill. 357. I cannot disassemble a car in under 5
minutes. 358. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot
make a character that gets double XP per game for showing up.
359. Killing quicklings with marbles only works once.
360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder
mystery again. 361. It is not feasible for my Archer to recreate
Hudson’s Last Stand. 362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and
the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
363. When challenged to a showdown, I’m meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not
10 blocks with a Sharpe’s Big .50. 364. I am to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing
historical characters. 365. Not allowed to setup the main villain
with the mad scientist’s sister. 366. Female minotaurs do not have udders.
This issue is closed. 367. No using excessive firepower to force
the plot along. 368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion
with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin’ asteroid.
369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure.
370. What happens in Sigil does not always stay in Sigil.
371. No thinking up new, creative and fun uses for cursed items.
372. Cannot start the game blitzed, especially if I was stone sober at the last game break.
373. It is bad form for the queen to see my nipples.
374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character
again. 375. Killing the building does not add to
my body count. 376. The barbarian must remember that ‘human
shield’ is a figure of speech. 377. My character is required to have a minimum
wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses. 378. I can cannot give my character the moniker
“Tim the Barbarian”. Especially since he’s the bard.
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa.
380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a
magical talking one. 381. Min/Max for combat=good. Min/Max for
accounting=bad. 382. I can’t bet the power gamer he can’t
solo the module. 383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to
kill two sentries. 384. The titles “Viking” and “Obstretrician”
are mutually exclusive. 385. All characters will use the bathroom
before the dungeon crawl. 386. The following words are not legal for
the command spell: Prognosticate, theorize, notarize.
387. I cannot give magic items super easy commands words like ‘is’ or ‘the’ and activate
when you say them. 388. Pursue means chase after, not just make
called shots to the knees. 389. My samurai is not required to commit
seppuku if he fails to hit the monster. 390. My character’s background must be more
indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics. 391. A starting paladin has no conceivable
use for industrial lubricant. 392. I am forbidden to see whether halflings
or gnomes bounce higher. 393. If I can fit my head down the gun’s barrel,
I can assume it doesn’t have the non-lethal option.
394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the dwarf.
395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first.
396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters.
397. I will not tell new players that 1st level characters do not have a scent as a
defense mechanism. 398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons
are not proper ninja weapons. 399. When I have to pick a starting dementia,
Stockholm Syndrome is not appropriate. 400. Check the door means to listen at it,
not put several rounds through it. 401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I
will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.
402. No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use MDC weapons to fish.
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right,
left, right, A, B, A, B, Start. 404. No subcontracting dungeon crawls.
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path
Fighter #7. 406. The first rule of Finnegan school is
not “Do not talk about Finnegan school” 407. I will not blow all my starting funds
on hookers and booze. 408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in
resources to afford it, I can’t have that gun.
409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile.
410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can’t kill him.
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he’s monologuing.
412. I will not try to skip to the main boss dressed like a singing telegram.
413. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
414. If my stats are STR10 DEX10 CON8 INT16 WIS17 CHA15 I’d better not be the half-orc
barbarian. 415. My archmage will not join a party running
Keep on the Borderlands as a ringer. 416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
418. Steel toe boots do not add to my AC. 419. Spankings generally will not change evil
alignments. 420. “For the King” is an example of a good
battle cry. “Smoke the Mother” is not. 421. I will not convince the GM’s noob GF
to play a psychotic combat monster. 422. My marital status does not affect in
anyway my fear checks. 423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot
play a duck. 424. I cannot liven up the adventure with
snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show.
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.
426. Thirty minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans I am not bloodthirsty again.
427. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do once. Even if I am in Home Depot at the
moment. 428. I will never create a plan that first
hinges on the invention of velcro. 429. If the character isn’t deaf, his only
language cannot be AMSLAN. 430. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper
camouflage. 431. We will not implement any battle plan
that includes the underlined words “And hope they miss a lot”
432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter.
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer.
434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed “Stumpy McLunger”
435. No bribing the DM’s new GF with chocolate so he’ll go easy on us.
436. Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth and Healing doesn’t give me the right
to start an HMO. 437. From now on my Highlander will refrain
from dancing the Can-Can. 438. The ability to afflict everyone in 150′
with herpes is not an acceptable super power. 439. I will not start the game as a toddler
just to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age.
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual
transmissions. 441. There is an upper limit on the number
of people a bullet will go through. 442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul
mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if
they are bitten. 444. Whether it’s fair or not, my thief will
not insist we take turns checking for traps. 445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin
with ‘a little less lawful, a little more good’
446. Ninjas are not ablative. 447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later,
I cannot crit him 4 times in one round. 448. I will not attempt to unionize the brutes.
449. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time I level.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn’t mean with a surprise marriage
proposal. 451. I cannot start the campaign conjoined
to another character. 452. Not allowed to convince the entire party
to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters. 453. I will not redefine the term ‘trapdoor’.
454. No staking a vampire with anything larger than his chest cavity.
455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems.
456. I cannot put my familiar up for stud. 457. I did not invent the wet tabard contest.
458. “When I’m in the mood” is not a valid trigger for a contingency spell.
459. The vampire clan with vissitude is not pronounced ‘Karl’
460. I’d better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I’m lawful good.
461. Tasha’s Uncontrollably Hideous Sister is not a real spell.
462. 1st Watch is not for accordion practice. 463. Even if it is hip to be square, I still
can’t play a Modron. 464. 2nd Watch is not for starting up pick
up rugby games with wandering monsters. 465. After a successful black ops, I will
not leave paint bombs under all the boardroom’s seat cushions.
466. 3rd Watch is not clothing optional. 467. There is no ‘accidentally’ slipping a
Smite Evil into a pillow fight. 468. If the party wakes to find a chariot
upside down in a fountain, I’d better not be the prime, usual or only suspect.
469. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them
to the halflings’ room. 470. Sarcasm is wasted on Imperial Stormtroopers.
471. I am not fluent in any dialect of gibberish. 472. When my cleric is told to “Buff the Elf”,
I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.
473. No matter the CR of the monster, no naked pookie dances upon victory.
474. Black and Decker does not make prosthetics. 475. Can’t trick the rest of the party into
babysitting my kids. 476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not
automatically Neutral Evil. 477. I cannot spay the Vargyr.
478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word ‘Ariba!”
479. As a matter of fact, Dwarven Battlegarb in no way resembles Angus Young’s stage costume.
480. I will not address Fauner Posen with ‘Jawohl mein Liebenaffe’
481. I am forbidden from doing anything that ends with a snarf, rimshot or spit take.
482. No uploading porn to my CO’s HUD. 483. No downloading porn from my CO’s HUD.
484. If the word ‘Mullet’ appears anywhere on my samurai’s character sheet, he’s vetoed.
485. My Mossad agent’s battlecry is not “Torah, Torah, Torah”
486. No how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a
minimum. 487. Halfing mating rituals do not include
beer can crushing, power belching, or Lynyrd Skynyrd trivia.
488. If I have to pull out of the dungeon because I’m low on HP, no filing Workman’s
Comp. 489. No making up any strange hobbies just
to get out of taking watch. 490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into
battle is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dylan is just silly.
491. If my Faith is 4 and your Faith is 2, that doesn’t mean Jesus loves me twice as
much. 492. Beer Boy is not an acceptable hireling
for the dungeon crawl. 493. I will not base any Media character off
Milo Bloom. 494. I will not use a time machine to invade
Germany on September 2, 1939 by surprise, securing Dutch domination of Europe.
495. No supplying my own canned applause. 496. While Bardic music can increase skill
rolls, bad jazz adds nothing to seduction rolls.
497. If somebody in the party has a Wisdom or Intelligence lower than 8, I am forbidden
from talking to them. 498. A firefight is not the best time to tell
the party my Medtech has a fear of blood. 499. No inventing the minefield.
500. My superhero will not spend points to fly just because he’s too lazy to walk. 501. Even if playing a game allowing animal
characters, Tai Chihuahua is not a good concept. 502. If my name isn’t Grimlock, can’t start
every sentence with “Me Grimlock” 503. Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer.
504. If the party is to frequently meet with Queen Victoria, I cannot play a Texan.
505. My warrior cleric will not pick his deity solely on the god’s BAB.
506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
507. My character cannot give another character the alcoholic disadvantage during play.
508. I will not tell the noobie to roll his THACO.
509. I will not base my superpowers off of Christ. Even if my character is nothing like
him. 510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate
by lying down and making carnage angels. 511. When GM demands to know what my character
is doing, it better not be “The Charleston” 512. The nationality of my favorite soccer
team does not add to my Brawl Skill. 513. Trying to rip the face off the villain
will not get the Scooby-Doo ending. 514. No giving my Roman gladiator the short
disadvantage and naming him Minimus. 515. I am not the Lord of Rodly Might.
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. 517. I cannot make called shots to their self
esteem. 518. Affirmative Action does not require me
to play a drow. 519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned
upon. 520. Under no circumstances is my medical
droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer. 521. I will not convince the entire party
to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign. 522. Not allowed to parry at the wrist.
523. When I’m rescued the correct response is ‘thank you’ not ‘took your freaking time!’
524. I will not ask my gun for advice. 525. Running a non-stop Rocky Horror fest
for staked vampires is outside the budget for most Samedi.
526. If an NPC is known as the “One” I cannot volunteer to be the “Two”.
527. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend $64,000 to get the vorpal option for
a forklift. 528. I cannot buy every single advantage during
character creation. 529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho.
530. I cannot earn bonus XP for ‘catching air’ with an MBT. So stop trying.
531. No making up gnomish subraces. 532. Despite being a staple of comic books
everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.
533. I cannot increase my comeliness by growing a pornstache.
534. When I level up, I just can’t copy the guy next to me’s choices.
535. I cannot make a dungeon crawl easier by opening a rival dungeon and hiring away
all his guards. 536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will
not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock.
537. The Cause Disease spell cannot inflict Nitrogen Narcosis.
538. Even if I spend the points, I cannot start married to any of the X-Men.
539. Defensive perimeter traps my character sets up are automatically party knowledge.
540. A full minute of stunned silence means “My God what did you do?” not “Please continue.”
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile “the naughty bits” is not a valid
choice. 542. No, I do not have time to carve that
mountain in the shape of anything. 543. There is more to buying rations than
ramen, spam and beer. 544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal
creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors.
546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.
547. Perform skill does not apply to the following: Performance art, spoken word, or fan dances.
548. I cannot have a “What Would Ao Do?” bracelet. 549. It is not physically possible to cook
off an accordion. 550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference
between their genders. 551. Cannot install Lojack on the Dragonkin.
552. If my character’s drow wife finds I let my niece appear in a Gnomes Gone Wild Video,
my death will not even warrant a saving throw. 553. No matter how well I make my disguise
check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.
554. Even though armor gives him no benefit, my monk still has to wear something.
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he’s touching someone with
his quivering palm. 556. Even though I’m the ranger, I can’t stalk
the elf babe. 557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with
a geiger counter, I can’t have it. 558. There is not a ‘Take your daughter to
work day’ for adventurers. 559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword,
the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can’t offer his accordion.
560. Can’t hire a sentient black pudding to be the ship’s janitor.
561. I can’t play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
562. “Pass without trace” doesn’t work on bad checks.
563. I can’t make anyone Jewish with a called shot.
564. The Lutherans don’t have an inquisition. 565. My vampire hunter can’t have anything
he saw on an infomercial at 3am on PBS. 566. When confronted with a haunted house
with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank.
567. I cannot consult my lawyer before making my wish.
568. My first wish cannot be “I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of
the wish’ 569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
570. The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars.
571. I will not secretly maze the wizard’s familiar, druid’s companion or paladin’s mount
just for a laugh. 572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot
carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
573. Improved evasion does not work against Save vs. DM.
574. “Get dressed quickly in the dark” is not an advantage, bonus, benefit, feat, skill,
perk or merit. 575. Even if I’m a near immortal demi-god
with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when
Dad’s away without permission. 576. I can’t use my sneak attack opportunity
to cop a feel. 577. No matter how stupid the PC’s comment,
it doesn’t provide an attack of opportunity. 578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.
579. “Pimp my Death Star” is not a real show, and I’d better believe Grand Moff Tarkin knows
this. 580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus
to my search for secret doors roll. 581. No filling the paladin’s stocking with
coal on Christmas to make him wonder what he’s got to atone for.
582. I can’t thwart the Rebel Alliance’s attack with the newly invented manhole cover.
583. Can’t intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of
what he’s just summoned. 584. On second thought, a minotaur architect
is a really bad idea. 585. No using psychic powers before the adventure
to figure out who to take life insurance out on.
586. Cannot spend extra money to get the optional “flay” setting for my pistol.
587. No taunting the 1st level magic user with “Mighty bold talk for a guy with only
4HP.” 588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I
take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn’t it?
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it’s vetoed if that’s the Richter scale.
590. I can’t convince the rival party our Q-Ship is just named that because it’s piloted
by John DeLancie. 591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use
of the Cleave feat. 592. No matter how well I roll, other PCs
cannot be haggled into paying me to perform errands for me.
593. Tensor’s Herniated Disc is not a real spell.
594. True to fluff or not, my berserker cannot take the beekeeping skill.
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.
596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them.
597. The party does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to the back
of a Drow Matron Mother. 598. Any adventure that ends up with my character
being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
599. Cannot start the new adventure with me trying to run down who ever didn’t show up
for the last adventure. 600. Even if I’m a wizard, I still can’t apply
embarrassing tattoos to the NPC. 601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos
will not do in a pinch. 602. Find Familiar scrolls are not a substitute
for the hunting skill. 603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the
Geneva Convention by name. 604. If my alignment forbids torture, that
includes Gnomish Poetry Slams. 605. Even if this an adventuring party, I
can’t show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade and half elf stripper.
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.
607. A N-Scale tuba player is not an appropriate miniature for my gnome bard.
608. The answer to ‘who’s got point?’ is not the fireball.
609. No diety will let me use my nipples as holy symbols.
610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts.
611. No initiating social challenges based only on the color of the werewolf’s shoes.
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the
Oompa-Loompa song. 613. I can’t have a magic item I can’t request
with a straight face. 614. My superhero tank must be height/weight
proportionate. 615. One close call with a mimic does not
give me the right to attack every door I come across.
616. Even if they are the same cliched acid for blood aliens, can’t load my shotgun with
baking powder. 617. The forehead is not an appropriate place
for a kill count holo-tattoo. 618. No matter how much my humanity loss,
a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet. 619. No matter what the dice say, I can’t
kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
620. My Blessed does not have the hindrance Ailin’: Stigmata.
621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
622. Paladins make poor vikings. And vice versa.
623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
624. When asked what my character is doing, it had better not be the vitakinetic.
625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf’s beard and
glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.
626. Dwarves are not proper substitutes for pufferfish.
627. The GM decides if my character dies from a stroke, not me.
628. I can’t use audible glamour to trick the cleric into building an ark.
629. Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.
630. Replacing the solo’s bullets with blanks so he comes in dead last in bodycount isn’t
funny. 631. Medicine cabinets are not the best place
to stash spare squeeze tubes of explosive putty.
632. When asked to tutor someone on his defense trait, can’t keep punching him until he get
it. 633. When told to choose my weapon in a duel
with the assassin, can’t pick his weapon. 634. Cannot recreate any scene in 2001: Space
Odyssey involving women’s lingerie. 635. Arguments cannot end with the statement
‘Alright, we’ll settle this like penguins!’ 636. Recon means tell them what I saw, not
slaughter all the monsters without them. 637. German characters do not gets 4 racial
bonus to intimidate French characters. 638. The DM is not impressed by me spoiling
his well planned ambush by just casting Glassee on the door.
639. Before hiding with all the werewolves to ambush the Settite, make sure he didn’t
leave the LARP 4 hours ago. 640. Even if he loves me too, Chitti-Chitti-Bang-Bang
is not an appropriate choice for the romance background.
641. Casual attire does not include shoulder holsters.
642. My character’s grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.
643. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
644. No matter how much mousse I use, my hair will never have damage resistance.
645. My matter how high my faith skill, still can’t take God as an ally.
646. If the game store owner goes into vapor lock, the adventure is over.
647. Any answer to a question involving the words ‘wizard’, ‘station wagon’ and ‘wood
paneling’ is no. 648. Can’t marry off another PC more than
half a dozen times. 649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the
ones they can find. 650. Gnolls don’t fall for the fake ball trick
more than once. 651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.
652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction- stabbing things.
653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and
spurs, they can start the module without me. 655. When asked my position in the party,
it’s not ‘whatever’s closest to Bangkok.’ 656. A crayon is typically going to cause
a penalty to my forgery skill. 657. Can’t put a glass bottom on my tank to
I can see the looks on their faces. 658. Changing sexes is restricted to male
or female. 659. Quoting Ministry lyrics is not SOP for
the Gladius Dei. 660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place
for hunting vampires. 661. The line on my character sheet for ‘Sex’
is not for keeping score. 662. My Paladin will stop referring to her
detect evil power as Evildar. 663. Even if I just rolled 832d6 for damage,
still can’t get a bonus to my intimidate check. 664. Unlike real life, I don’t gain the whirlwind
attack to smack all my backtalking children. 665. My WW2 era mad scientist will pick a
new target for his project other than Manhattan. 666. When offered a Dracheneisen item of my
choice, can’t pick Nunchucks. 667. No matter what the dice say, can’t decapitate
an Aberrant with a straight razor. 668. AT-ST soccer games are strictly against
Imperial Army protocols. 669. Cannot name Boba Fett as a godparent
to any of my children. 670. While I’m fixing the X-Wing, the brash
pilot is still miffed about the Y-Wing loaner. 671. House Kurita Mechwarriors do not appreciate
posters of Godzilla taped over their optical sensors.
672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell.
673. It’s not necessary to install a portcullis in every single room of my castle.
674. When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not
an option. 675. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t take
the identical twin advantage 22 times. 676. My character’s primary purpose in the
party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.
677. Elves do not have the racial trait: No Gag Reflex.
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.
679. I do not have time in the Black Ops for break dancing, Greco-Roman Wrestling or phone
sex. 680. My axe doesn’t go off accidentally when
I’m cleaning it. 681. Even if he is a total blast, can’t channel
Baron Samedi at a Coming Out Ball. 682. Can’t make a called shot with a flamethrower.
683. After finishing the cliched “New boss is villain” adventure, can’t file for unemployment.
684. My mummy can’t take out multiple life insurance policies on himself and name himself
the prime beneficiary. 685. The game of chicken does not involve
the polymorph spell. 686. My vampire hunter does not take the “un”
out of “undead” 687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick
Skylark. 688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin
cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things. 689. The combat feats I can use with a battering
ram are extremely restricted. 690. Mordenkainen’s Dysfunctional Family is
not a real spell. 691. No matter what the kids say, animated
balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman’s School.
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome’s contribution to the Fellowship of
the Ring. 694. Search the old castle means enter it,
not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
695. Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling her it boosts her Dexterity isn’t
fooling anybody. 696. Any plan involving strapping puppies
to my armor is vetoed. 697. No “accidentally” crosswiring the X-Wing’s
fire control and ejection seat switches. 698. During the Black Ops no accessing the
target’s HR files and getting babes’ phone numbers.
699. Fed Ex does not deliver to the Keep on the Borderlands.
700. Not allowed to use basic economics to crash the evil empire’s economy by spending
all my swag there at once. 701. Cannot take the moniker “the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist”
702. The Banana of Disarming is not a real magic item.
703. Cannot sharpen Ioun stones for increased headbutt damage.
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what
I suggest. 705. Need to stop using my reality altering
ability to make every day Mardi Gras. 706. Cannot base my barbarian after Wink Martindale.
707. A throat punch does not give a bonus in a contested philosophy check.
708. My paladin mini is vetoed if it’s obviously Private Drake from Aliens.
709. Any plan is vetoed if it was obviously inspired by Boromir.
710. My info gathering mission must include info that wasn’t obviously obtained in a brothel.
711. If almost all the words in my character’s background start with the same letter, he’s
vetoed. 712. When told to leave a trail for the rest
of the party to follow, they didn’t mean with cigarette butts.
713. Even if the rules allow it, can’t sink a battleship with a stapler.
714. I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas. 715. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t invent
the strip joint. 716. I cannot play a race the GM can’t pronounce.
717. I cannot start the game in post-apocalyptic Poland driving a Porsche.
718. Warnings given retroactively in battle aren’t appreciated.
719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I’m already 1′ tall, furry and a squirrel.
720. Don’t have to include the line “And then stab them a lot” in the plan; it’s already
assumed. 721. Even if my super power is invisibility,
still have to provide a model for my character. 722. Can’t intentionally fail all my secret
door checks so I don’t have to play Tomb of Horrors again.
723. If my character is related to a god, it can’t be as a parent.
724. The time machine is not for finishing my set of Disciple autographs.
725. No, there is not a Mr. Of Arc. No, I still can’t hit on her.
726. My black ops experience does not include panty raids and beer runs.
727. Cannot singlehandedly make Starfleet Academy the #1 party school in the Alpha Quadrant.
728. Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel.
729. Cannot take the flaw Obsession: Elf Chick’s lingerie.
730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip.
731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I’m still not going to cause
a cool pyrotechnics display. 732. Not allowed to trade in my X-Wing for
a Gunstar. 733. Cannot make a plan that hinges on the
villain first being allergic to peanuts. 734. My character’s background cannot be a
wikipedia biography with “Falco” crossed off and my character’s name written in.
735. Adding hydrolics to my R2 unit does not give him an intimidate bonus.
736. No taking the party to Kara-Tur just because my character has a thing for Asian
chicks. 737. Will not color code everything on the
ship just to piss off the Vargyr. 738. Though highly educational, no more slipping
the anti-paladin sodium pentathal. 739. Can’t make the blacks ops super easy
by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
740. Not allowed to give my character a name from a bushman click language.
741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana. 742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral
Hungry aren’t real alignments either. 743. Even if the rules allow it, can’t takes
out an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug. 744. My second wish can’t be for a new, more
open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes. 745. Can’t wish I was the GM.
746. No making up holidays for my cleric. 747. Can’t just walk the obstacle course,
even though I beat everybody who tried to run it.
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person’s face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
749. There is not a Spent Clip Fairy. 750. A bag of holding is a bad place to stash
bear traps, badgers or crushed glass. 751. If the party has to pose as classical
German composers, I will not declare “I’ll be Bach”
752. Cannot take the spetum as my favorite weapon just because it sounds dirty.
753. No encouraging swedish accents. 754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance,
still can’t pick up the bank and walk away with it.
755. There is a reason no game has pasties in it’s starting equipment list.
756. The Power Armor skill does not have a cascade skill dance.
757. I will not build a character with a skill from every single expansion book.
758. Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar just for it’s pharmaceutical properties.
759. Restricted to one blue chip for humor per game.
760. Can’t use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself.
761. Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring. 762. Fighter can’t put points in Perform just
so he can hammer dance after each fatal critical hit.
763. No slipping the juicer Ritalin. 764. In the middle of a chase in a commandeered
car can’t spend an action to change the radio presets.
765. Can’t parry with a called shot to the face.
766. No more Crazy Ivans while I’m driving the AT-AT.
767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I’m currently
in. 768. Burning my bard song on CD and putting
it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends.
769. Before turning undead, make sure the assassin didn’t take the vampire template.
770. My mythos investigator doesn’t talk in his sleep.
771. Mashed potatoes do not add to my damage resistance.
772. Not allowed to base a paladin off Lee Marvin.
773. My great axe priviledges can be taken away.
774. If I’ve leveled up 5 times to the Dragonkin’s 0, that doesn’t mean I’m lapping him.
775. My investigator’s motto is not “99% Mythos Lore, 1% Sanity- don’t push me”
776. Even if it was obviously in self defense, my character is not allowed to kill George
Takei. 777. Tai Kwan Doberman is not a real martial
art. 778. It is not possible to bioengineer a kosher
pig. 779. Even if we are in Ravenloft, Paladin
can’t go up ten levels in one night. 780. When told I have to join the RPGA to
play in a game, can’t sign the membership card “D. Duck.”
781. My tribe’s trial by combat ritual is not best described as “Calvinball with axes”
782. My paladin’s job is not to enforce happiness. 783. The following are also not acceptable
Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai Llama, Boom Orangutan.
784. Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat.
785. Even if the rules allow it, can’t shoot 20 guys in one round with a musket.
786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet.
787. “Start a career in modeling” is not an appropriate use of the Suggestion spell.
788. “You take the scary one” is not our default battle strategy.
789. Even if it’s for his own safety, can’t secretly remove the firing pins from the powergamer’s
guns. 790. If I have access to warm water, I don’t
take watch unsupervised. 791. Not allowed to give any birthday gift
to a child that immediately earns me a dark side point.
792. Despite the movie’s claims, Wookies get no racial bonus for chess.
793. When building a superhero, can’t spend half his points on radar sense and the other
half on cooking. 794. Pregen characters do not have cutesy
nicknames, even if their real names are pretty lame.
795. Improved Evasion is not solid proof “Duck and Cover” works.
796. In the middle of the black ops can’t lock a bunch of long haired molting cats into
the CEO’s office. 797. If in the middle of our dressing down
our CO strokes out, we took the joke too far. 798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
799. Can’t hunt drow with a spotlight and 30.06.
800. The default response to a social challenge in any game is not to just shoot them.
801. We do not settle disputes in Paper-Rock-Scissors with games of Vampire.
802. Fake eye spots on my helmets do not help intimidate the monster.
803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there’s a problem.
804. I cannot take the Dementia: Obsession counting things if I’m not a Malkavian.
805. On second thought, I can’t take it even if I am a Malkavian.
806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town’s
population. 807. Large dice are for rolling. Not sound
effects. 808. Covering fire does not include nuclear
weapons. 809. I don’t earn the bonus XP for a written
background if it’s just a summary of the plot to Dig-Dug.
810. While the party is off searching for secret doors, can’t position the slain orcs
in compromising positions. 811. In the middle of a black ops can’t reprogram
the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight.
812. I don’t have to take a lower level bard adventuring as my opening act.
813. Taking the orc warlord’s skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet.
814. Sending the villain a nymph stripper only works once.
815. Somebody doesn’t “accidentally” fall on two dozen shanks.
816. The adventure wrap up is the epilogue. Not Miller Time.
817. Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death.
818. Augment their psi means their mental powers, not their air pressure.
819. Taking each class as I level in alphabetical order is forbidden.
820. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin can’t serve the god of obituaries.
821. My sorcerer will not take a level in druid just to make it easier to get to the
flammable stuff. 822. If everybody in the room is in black
leather, we’re in the thieves’ guild. Not a fetish club.
823. Even if infinitely useful, absolute power over elastics is not an appropriate super
power. 824. The back up trap handler is not the guy
with the lowest INT. 825. I cannot have Bracers of Brachiation
until I tell the DM what brachiation really means.
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
827. My battlemech does not play Dixie every time I hit the jump jets.
828. Even if the mages critically fumbles his stealth check, can’t threaten to bleed
him slow. 829. Despite the song’s claim, a pelvic thrust
does not cause Sanity loss. 830. Even if we are in Sweden, I can’t use
one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd.
831. I didn’t ‘accidentally’ forget to buy any skills.
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM’s super NPC to foot
the bill. 833. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious
victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed.
834. I will stop reminding Elminster he’s not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging
wizard from Krull. 835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into
an ambush by having sex with another character. 836. No paraphrasing the party leader’s elaborate
plan as ‘pick somebody you don’t like and let them know it.’
837. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t take the 1st Armored Division as an ally.
838. Doesn’t matter how high my influence is; I still can’t make Carmen Miranda hats
part of the unit’s dress code. 839. In the middle of a black ops no inserting
a memo into the target’s computer mandating ‘clothing optional Mondays’.
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won’t throw dynamite
in every well I come across. 841. No more tricking rookies into putting
whoopie cushions on Lord Vader’s throne. 842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and
told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.
843. It doesn’t matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren’t sending
the dwarf into battle via catapult. 844. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen
for telepaths. 845. It’s not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes
with “Who’s your daddy?” 846. Doesn’t matter if it’s an anime style
game, I don’t get a bonus to hit with eyepokes. 847. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real
spell. 848. The Caern is not “Disneyworld as if run
by coyotes” 849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy
several miles of hamster tubing at once. 850. Doesn’t matter how practical, we aren’t
reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.
851. When plumbing the depths of depravity, I must remember to come up for air.
852. Any superhero offensive to more than two major religions is vetoed.
853. Even if I’m faced with yet another Get of Fenris Lupus Ahroun, I will not refer to
him as CliChe Guevara. 854. We will not take the dead dryad with
us to use as kindling. 855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear
until he comes back as something we can actually eat.
856. A funeral is not a proper place for setting new fashion trends.
857. I will not disbelieve the magic mouth before he gives out the important plot information.
858. Even if it is hours of entertainment, can’t feed the Red Talon peanut butter.
859. I will concede we’re on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters.
860. Under religion I cannot put Born Again Klingon.
861. I will not use undocumented zombie workers to help build my castle.
862. Bigby’s Offensive Finger is not a real spell.
863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding TL1 tribes TL12 weapons and
putting the results on PPV is just wrong. 864. My doctor’s bag will contain more than
just a bonesaw and a bottle of whiskey. 865. I do not put the cad in decadent, nor
the rave in depraved. 866. Even if it’s catchy, I don’t have to
yell my battlecry everytime I roll to attack. 867. We can’t all play bards just to relive
our favorite Spinal Tap moments. 868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect
larger than it’s range. 869. Richard Simmons is not an appropriate
role model for a Get of Fenris. 870. I will not use my vast personal knowledge
of Dublin, Texas to get an unfair advantage in the campaign.
871. My halfling cannot take the flaw Obsession: Ring of Invisibility.
872. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before I even pass through it is vetoed.
873. I will not combine Thermographic Sights and a gun that can shoot through walls. It
makes Black Ops too easy. 874. After cleaning out Ravenloft, when it’s
my turn to pick treasure, can’t call dibs on the castle.
875. If my superhero has a healing factor, claws, combat sense and longevity, he can’t
take the flaw Total Pacifist. 876. If I want to play a rampaging nordic
warrior and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can’t play her like a rampaging
nordic warrior. 877. Even if I am playing a chick, I can’t
spend all my starting cash on shoes. 878. Rifts in the time/space continuum are
not for my personal amusement. 879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore
sanity. 880. Searching the dead PC for spell components
is ok. Using him for spell components is not. 881. Any character that can run the 2 minute
mile is vetoed. 882. I will not convince the party to name
all the characters the same thing. 883. I do not need to see proof of insurance
before making a medtech roll. 884. Customs doesn’t care what my charisma
bonus is. 885. Halflings do not store food in their
cheeks for winter. 886. Elves are not deciduous.
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-elves do not automatically go both ways.
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats.
889. I will not try to regain sanity by nailing the reporter chick in public.
890. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons.
891. I will not brag too loudly I’m the real reason behind the sinking of the Titanic.
892. Cultists tend to notice if you’ve replaced their summoning ritual with Jitterbug instructions.
893. Invisibility is all or nothing, can’t just target their clothes.
894. I can’t just keeping buy rounds of drinks until everybody passes out so I can rob them.
895. I will not miss the final epic battle just because I crit my seduction check.
896. Polish is not a sub-dialect of gnomish. 897. Any action causing the powergamer to
storm off while actually appreciated is frowned upon.
898. Healing people of other faiths gets a penalty in Deadlands. Not Serenity.
899. I will not have the architect build my castle using a hexadecimal base to screw with
the powergamer. 900. I will not fill the bag of holding with
dirt so we can just fill in pit traps as we detect them.
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of
the building. 902. Can’t set the bad guy on fire until after
I’ve blown the persuasion roll. 903. If I fail to make a bluff check, can’t
shoot him to change it to an intimidate check. 904. Not possible to fire a gun with your
teeth. 905. Humming the James Bond theme in the middle
of a Black Ops doesn’t give me any bonuses. 906. They make platemail in a variety of styles.
Crotchless is not one of them. 907. Can’t use my attack bonus as a substitute
for the skill: Hibachi Chef. 908. I can’t take Telekinesis as an auxilary
mode just to get free food from the snack machine.
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry “DANGER WILL ROBINSON
DANGER!” 910. I will not convince the entire party
to play rockerboys so we can be a Europe cover band.
911. Can’t take a level of monk just for tone. 912. Droogie is not a starting language.
913. After casting my one first level spell, can’t leave the dungeon to go sleep.
914. Can’t bribe the biokinetic to take my drug test for me.
915. On second thought, let’s not disguise the wookies in the stormtrooper uniforms.
916. A runic facial tattoos is acceptable for my berserker. Not a Betty Boop.
917. Have one point in every single skill in the game doesn’t count as a super power.
918. Can’t clean out the dungeon by renting the adjacent dungeon and being as obnoxious
as possible. 919. Goldfish do not get a bonus in a staredown.
920. My mech gunner can’t have a nude pinup in his cockpit. Especially if it’s of his
pilot. 921. “But she’s hot!” is not an acceptable
excuse for my Black Ops solo dating the tabloid reporter.
922. No matter how much we look, we’re not finding the secret door leading to the back
of the villain’s hideout. 923. Druids do not hibernate.
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: “Is this going to shatter the
very fabric of reality again?” 925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in
one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed. 926. If given a stock NPC, I must play him
as written. So Jar-Jar has to lose the sarape and the cigar.
927. I do not get a bulk discount at the jenny’s guild.
928. The Flaw: Odious Personal Habit- Teleports into romantic moments is only available at
the maximum penalty. 929. Telekinetic Redhead Chick is not a real
superhero. 930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot
circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn. 931. There are no alignment restrictions on
becoming a lawyer. 932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas
have to line up in a straight line to fight me.
933. If escorting a high priority target, I can’t biosculpt the entire team to look
like her. 934. Nerve gas complicates fast talk rolls.
935. Cannot take the shape of any animal the GM doesn’t know.
936. ‘The power of Christ compels me’ does not justify my Blessed’s actions.
937. I cannot take life insurance out on anybody I have for the enemy background.
938. Psychotherapy doesn’t eliminate the alignment change penalty.
939. Just because I’ve hit name level does not automatically give me groupies.
940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines
with random crowds. 941. In the middle of a black ops I cannot
make an educational video. 942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl
for the same reason miners need canaries. 943. I am not Bjorn of Borg.
944. Before accepting a harem as a reward for my heroism, need to check with the wife.
945. I don’t get any equipment before the GM can Google it.
946. If Australia doesn’t exist, I can’t use my Australian accent. Even if I am playing
a space koala. 947. I cannot bet the powergamer he can’t
field strip the grenade faster than me. 948. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t catch
dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks.
949. I will not make my castle’s halls 9x9x9′ to keep out gelatinous cubes.
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain
Franchise is not. 951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu
is not movement. 952. Keifer Sutherland does not make numerous
cameos in my character’s background telling him he’s destined for greatness.
953. No matter how high my strength, still can’t use that wall as a shield.
954. I will not convince the entire party to play identical copies of the same character
on the grounds we’re sextuplets. 955. No matter his age, my bard can’t start
a boy-band. 956. Despite the halberd being 6′ long, it
can’t hit monsters more than 5′ away. 957. Even if it’s been more than two hours
since we left the bar, the dwarf isn’t getting the DT’s.
958. No matter how practical, I can’t have shotgunchucks.
959. The town drunk is not our one stop source for all mythos happenings in every town.
960. I will not base my Call of Cthulhu character off the lead character in Slingblade.
961. Even if I am pissed for working on my birthday, in the middle of a Black Ops I will
not refer to my CO only by his first name. 962. If I don’t have an instrument for my
bardic song, an ‘air mandolin’ won’t suffice. 963. After critting with a cannon, we can’t
dump a barrel of gunpowder over the gunner’s mate.
964. Elves aren’t marsupials. 965. Even if we’re freezing to death, I won’t
cut open the half-orc and shove the elf inside him.
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing
the power. 967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem.
968. A paladin with a British accent is acceptable. One with a Peter Lorre accent isn’t.
969. When I’m allowed a bunny as a familiar, that doesn’t include Ava Fabian.
970. I will not make a super hero that requires a graphing calculator to create.
971. I cannot take the flaw Enemy: Random packs of wild dogs.
972. “Threesome” is not a specialty of the seduction skill.
973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.
974. If short changed at the Hong Kong deli I will call the manager. Not roll for initiative.
975. There is something wrong with a 2nd level Kamikaze.
976. I was not issued a flamethrower for my own personal amusement.
977. Disable plot device is not a real skill. 978. Nowhere in the plan does Franco go in
where the others have been. 979. Mumus do not appear in the starting equipment
list for a reason. 980. As a matter of fact, a 90′ tall hostile
pineapple is much more terrifying than a dragon. 981. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok.
982. Trailblaze means find a path, not cut down every tree between here and there.
983. Elves do not take 1d3 1 minutes for their entire menstrual cycle.
984. In the middle of a black ops I cannot moonlight as tech support.
985. Even if it isn’t in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody
else. 986. I cannot switch miniatures between each
combat. 987. Even if starving, can’t suckle the elf
chick. 988. David Bowie cannot cast glitterdust at
will. This issue is also closed. 989. When asked to describe my character,
I can leave out the hickies. 990. Even if he botches his medicine roll,
I can’t sue the medtech for malpractice. 991. “Kiww the Wabbit” is not a proper viking
battlecry. 992. The rest of the party would appreciate
it if I didn’t take Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy as a flaw.
993. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t empty out the entire castle for a week with just
a cherry bomb. 994. Corporate Pop Whore is not a real prestige
class. 995. Drakkar Heartgourger is not a proper
name for a paladin. 996. Dwarves can’t take trees as favored enemies.
997. I can’t beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.
999. I can’t train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.
1000. I will stop referring to the powergamer as MinMaximus. 1001. No matter how bad the game is going,
I won’t stradle the table like Slim Pickens riding a bomb.
1002. Foam Finger of Death is not a real spell. 1003. I cannot start with an armor class higher
than my actual age. 1004. Not permitted to die from essence loss
during character creation. 1005. Even if I bought the book at Walmart,
I don’t get a discount on advantages. 1006. If I take the Poison Immunity advantage,
that doesn’t include Radiation. 1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier
Peaks? Dream Sequence. 1008. Texans do not get revolvers as a racial
weapon proficiency. 1009. No matter how many points I put into
the skill, can’t use sword swallowing to parry. 1010. Stone Giants don’t have heat sinks.
1011. Even if we are facing Yuan Ti, my battlecry cannot be “COBRA!”
1012. Note to self: Lightsaberchucks…BAD IDEA
1013. The expressive dance skill is not a substitute for language skills.
1014. I will stop blaming every massacre we come across on Decepticons.
1015. Despite what the rules say, berserking does not improve my aim.
1016. Even if spells are use them or lose them, I will not waste Meteor Swarms on a
goblin. 1017. I will not lay siege to Cinderella’s
Castle. 1018. Elves do not get Viking Funerals.
1019. Even if we have more ammo than fuel, I still have to cut down the tree with the
chainsaw, not the HMG. 1020. If we have to add a new PC mid-campaign,
he doesn’t have to pass a drug test first. 1021. Can’t use the Jedi Mind Trick to convince
the stormtroopers the Droids over there are the Droids they are looking for.
1022. Can’t start the game with 24 hours to live.
1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell.
1024. Slings make poor thongs. And vice versa. 1025. If I have two cyberarms, they have to
be on different sides. 1026. My character cannot gain a level through
nepotism. 1027. I will not use the d20 system to test
the validity of any Kennedy Assassination theory.
1028. My character has mastery level in singing. I do not.
1029. I will not convert to Eilistraee just so I can watch naked drow chicks getting their
groove on. 1030. No matter how much he pisses me off,
I will not raise the barbarian’s dead mother-in-law. 1031. Just because my superhero game has 18
stats and yours only has 3, doesn’t mean mine is 6x better.
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place.
1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways ‘gangsta style’ does not add to my intimidate check.
1034. Even if I wait for the ninja to jump at me, I can’t crucify him with a repeating
crossbow in a single round. 1035. If at any point in his lifespan my character
can clear out every single Cave of Chaos in one single round, he’s vetoed.
1036. My druid can’t summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it’s not allowed
in the rulebook. 1037. Kangaroos are poor substitutes for taun-tauns.
1038. There is no such thing as a Viking Assisted Suicide.
1039. Jury Summoning I is not a real spell. 1040. I can not name my character anything
that was suggested by Tom Servo. 1041. Doesn’t matter if I’m just using
to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.
1042. Erasing the compass on the map and redrawing it in reverse does not mean the villain will
start building his evil railroad backwards. 1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind.
1044. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can’t impact the total world supply.
1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in
video games. 1046. We can’t stabilize the dying villain
before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain.
1047. If my troll is the smartest character in the party, the entire party is vetoed.
1048. I will not attempt to overdose on Rogaine so I can disguise myself as a wookie.
1049. I can’t summon anything in MM4 just so I can take a bathroom break while the DM
looks it up. 1050. If the weapon has the 3-handed trait,
I don’t get a sidekick just for the extra hand.
1051. As a matter of fact, the high and tight buzz cut doesn’t exist in Exalted.
1052. I’m not automatically eliminated from the crappy module if I guess the wrong murderer
like in Clue. So I should stop making random accusations.
1053. I was not raised by a pack of feral Ironclads.
1054. I will call the elf druid by his real impossibly long elf name, and not just Llanowar
Leafblower. 1055. I will also not simply refer to the
elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie. 1056. There is no such thing as a Dwarven
Battle Perm. 1057. Canadian is not a real language.
1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages.
1059. Even if the villain is Lawful Evil, slapping a cease and desist order on him isn’t
going to work. 1060. I will go into the villain’s lair
and take him out the old fashioned way. Not just wait outside his favorite bar with a
rifle. 1061. In the middle of a Black Ops I do not
have time to put a banana in the exhaust port of their AV-9.
1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn’t immune to, he’s immune to it.
1063. Even if my character sheet says otherwise, I can’t max out the party with Delta class
Cyberware immediately after character generation. 1064. Even if I can prove at least a half
dozen practical uses for it, I can’t have a slip and slide for the dungeon crawl.
1065. Even if we are playing in the New Republic era, I can’t call dibs on Boba Fett’s
armor. 1066. If the GM’s wife is in the party,
I’m not allowed to hunt anything cute. 1067. I do not get to put remote detonation
switches into the weapons of any PC’s I build them for.
1068. I cannot have a handgun that starts out doing more damage than most people have
wounds. 1069. I do not have to check before each adventure
that my fellow adventurers are not doppelgangers, Cylons or pod people.
1070. Even if we are Womprat hunting, we don’t have to dye the wookie fluorescent orange.
1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon the old fashioned way, and not use magic to
reroute a river into it instead. 1072. After rerouting a river through the
villain’s lair, I will not pan for gold wherever the river comes out.
1073. Just because the game left the rules for stun setting grossly unbalanced doesn’t
mean I have to take advantage of it. 1074. Despite the name, I can’t actually
wear a cloaker. But I will fail to notice the cloak weighs over a quarter ton.
1075. Metal detectors don’t automatically find Cylons.
1076. When told to dress like a Goth I will make sure with no uncertainty whether they
mean black clothes and eyeliner or chainmail and shield.
1077. There is no such thing as a weresaxophonist. 1078. If 48 straight hours of pistol whipping
doesn’t convince the terrorist to spill his guts, another 48 hours probably won’t
either. 1079. A tattoo gun is not standard equipment
in a mapping kit. 1080. The Cryokinetic is forever banned from
water balloon fights. 1081. Even if the rules allow it, my sumo
wrestler can’t take super human attractiveness. 1082. There is no such thing as a brothel
crawl. 1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to
help fill out wikipedia articles. 1084. My sumo wrestler can’t have lap band
surgery without affecting his martial arts skills.
1085. “Everybody Wang Chung tonight” is not an acceptable use of the Mass Suggestion
spell. 1086. Tornadoes don’t have hit points.
1087. Even if I take twice as long, that doesn’t mean I can take 40.
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at malkavians, kobolds or kender. Or their
players. 1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off
of World of Warcraft, my character can’t speak in Leet.
1090. Even if I roll a natural 20, I can’t jump the grand cannon on a stock steam roller.
1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until
after the mission is over. 1092. If the battle goes for 20 rounds, we
don’t have to stop and wait for the zamboni guy to clean up the battlefield.
1093. I will not tell the rookies they can roll down their Y-Wing’s windows.
1094. My wizard does not need to shout out the name of what he’s summoning every time
he picks a creature. 1095. Anything short of adamantine full plate
is not considered light armor for dwarves. 1096. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t
start a major Corpwar just because I’m bored stiff with the current run.
1097. Even if he used INT as a dump stat, I don’t have to carve ‘this end towards
enemy’ on the barbarian’s axe blade. 1098. If I’m in an assault mech, bump drafting
is discouraged. 1099. After a successful Black Ops, before
I’m paid I will not immediately adopt a dozen children for the tax breaks.
1100. I cannot wish that someone else was an Oscar Meyer weiner.
1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them.
1102. 1980’s break dancing moves have their place. In front of the Vodacce prince is not
one of them. 1103. Just because I was paid in advance doesn’t
mean I can let the incompetent expedition leader die.
1104. There is a limit to how much innuendo I can fit into one combat round.
1105. Even if it is just my character speaking, I will not claim Texas was stolen from Mexico.
I will live longer that way. 1106. I cannot put Nodens on speed dial.
1107. I will not attempt to clear out the dungeon using only Bangalore torpedoes.
1108. Picking his pocket means more than just turning him upside down and shaking him vigorously.
1109. I will not do anything that Bilbo Baggins hates.
1110. Even if I have enough, putting silencers on my minigun doesn’t work.
1111. There is no such thing as a Magic Murder Bag of Holding.
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.
1113. I will not shoot vampires in the chest with a large pistol just so they have to explain
the embarrassing sucking chest wound. 1114. I will not take a phobia of anything
that doesn’t exist in the game world. 1115. If I have an ability that lets me alter
minor aspects of my appearance, that doesn’t include girth.
1116. Add Bulldozers to the list of things vampires are allergic to.
1117. Can’t strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know
it’s made out of. 1118. In the middle of a black ops I will
not use up all the claymores just because I don’t want to take them back with me.
1119. I cannot have my mercy surgically removed. 1120. Even if I’m in charge I can’t order
the Assault Lance to perform West Side Story dance routines.
1121. If given a Holy Avenger sword, I can’t melt it down and reforge it into a weapon
my paladin actually uses. 1122. Even if it still give a combat bonus
to everybody else, I can’t just stand there and read a comic book behind the villain.
1123. In the middle of a black ops I can’t call my girlfriend to remind her to pick up
some Chinese on her way home. 1124. I will leave out mating rituals when
presenting a cultural exchange with diplomatic ambassadors.
1125. Letting the Red Shirt guard the plane is really frowned upon as it doesn’t leave
anybody to sacrifice to the Shoggoths. 1126. Cannot start the campaign on fire.
1127. Will not start all my skills at 89% just so I get massive SAN boosts early.
1128. I cannot RickRoll people with any video that increases their Mythos Lore.
1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every police
box we pass. 1130. I cannot wish we were playing the previous
edition of the game. 1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above
the Fire Elemental doesn’t work. 1132. There will be no more debating how much
XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth. 1133. I cannot be the Bizarro version of another
player. 1134. Nowhere in my barbarian’s description
will I include the word “Jaunty” 1135. My Eshu does not get bonus frequent
flyer miles automatically during character generation.
1136. Doesn’t matter how big we make it, a pit trap isn’t going to take out the Tarrasque.
1137. I have to go into the dungeon, not just send in dozens of summoned creatures every
morning. 1138. Fireballs don’t have a non-lethal
option. I will ponder this after I’ve cast one at that guy we needed alive.
1139. My weapon is a 3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire.
1140. I will not use a portable hole to cheat at golf.
1141. In the middle of a Black Ops I will not look at the target’s HR files to see
if they have better benefits. 1142. I will not use the mage’s Staff of
Wizardry in lieu of a pool cue. 1143. Torching the forest doesn’t get me
any XP for anything inside the forest. 1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill
the villain without being in at least an adjacent county.
1145. A 2nd level commoner is not twice as common as a 1st level commoner.
1146. If we don’t have a thief, I can’t call AAA to slim jim the dungeon entry door.
1147. I will lick the Rodian’s antennae and stick him to the wall while he sleeps.
1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing
the target. 1149. During the psi-jump my neutral can’t
do mean things to the psions while they are tripping.
1150. I will not try to feed the Qin extremely salty food to see if he melts.
1151. Our mission is to rescue the princess. Not to bring Sexy back.
1152. Even if given detailed instructions on pages 50-51, can’t take Cloud City on
a joy ride. 1153. I can’t wish to change my vote on
what module we’re playing. 1154. Bass line is not an acceptable perform
skill specialty. 1155. Thri-kreen do not have the flaw Obsession:
Pretty lights 1156. The party leader is not the one that
looks best in a chainmail bikini. 1157. I can’t ‘make it rain’ before
the invention of paper currency. 1158. If I make a cowboy with the young ‘un
flaw I can’t name him Sioux. 1159. If I don’t have any points in medtech,
I can’t try faith healing. 1160. We will not end every adventure with
a public service announcement. 1161. If my character requires the GM to memorize
the rules for siege warfare, he’s vetoed. 1162. We can’t trade the ranger for a giant,
pirate or padre. 1163. I am forbidden from using more than
ten sourcebooks to make one character. 1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his
incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly.
1165. I can’t wish for somebody to publish the rules for gnomes or bards.
1166. The time machine is not for collecting autographs.
1167. I can stop rolling at 7x dead. 1168. I am forbidden from doing anything that
makes a passerby flinch. 1169. If even the rules allow it, I can’t
have my uneducated peasant start with every known language.
1170. If the rules contradict Isaac Newton, Newton wins.
1171. I will not send the villain a fake message his mother is coming then attack him while
he’s cleaning. 1172. My brooding costumed vigilante can’t
take the flaw Dark Secret: Well Adjusted to Society.
1173. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Dick Clark is not Shemsu-Heru.
1174. Even if I spend the points, I can’t take the U.S.S. Montana as an ally.
1175. My knight will not buy a Shetland pony just so he can use his lance underground.
1176. I will remember the spiked chain cheesemonster is allergic to the improved sunder feat.
1177. I will stop asking NPC’s how much XP they are worth.
1178. The seduction skill does not have a to hit on roll.
1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn’t going to believe
I’m the new captain. 1180. Dressing up the wizard as the monk still
won’t stop monsters from appearing beside him and attacking him first.
1181. When asked what game we want to LARP, Frogger is not an option.
1182. Chewing hoagga leaves does not make me a goddammed sexual rhinodon.
1183. No it won’t help if we put a silencer on the bazooka.
1184. When approached by a famous historical figure, I can assume he’s a time traveler
and not a zombie. 1185. Paladins do too urinate.
1186. In the middle of a black ops my buttocks is forbidden from making contact with the
target’s copy machine. 1187. It’s okay to feed the Ewok after midnight.
1188. Flash Bangs are not to be handed out to trick or treaters.
1189. A stagehand does not get a better sneak bonus than ninjas.
1190. I will not Conga Line the Pattern. 1191. Super powers that are only useful to
art majors are vetoed. 1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match
between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.
1193. I will avoid making wishes that locks the game in an infinite time loop.
1194. I will not go to FTL just to avoid the red lights.
1195. I will not min/max the appraise skill just to clean up on The Price is Right.
1196. Even if we cleared it out, we can’t turn White Plume Mountain into a theme park.
1197. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t put a spinal mounted weapon on a bicycle.
1198. I cannot have a destroid that requires me to take the ally advantage two dozen times
just to crew it. 1199. Stan Lee does not have to make a cameo
appearance in every single adventure. 1200. Even if I make it out of one continuous
design, a dracheneisen castle doesn’t count as one object.
1201. ‘Just blow them out the airlock’ is not a backup First Contact Protocol.
1202. Even if it’s totally feasible, I can’t indefinitely stall our rivals with a bureaucracy
check. 1203. My panzerhand doesn’t get a vote.
1204. Smartass is not a character role. 1205. I can’t have any feat in the main
book if the feat is written in pencil. 1206. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t
download several thousands songs on the target’s computer and then call the RIAA.
1207. There is no such thing as ‘ambiguously elven’
1208. Even if he is Chaotic Evil, I can’t turn state’s evidence against a fellow party
member. 1209. Even if the boss monster has 100% magic
resistance, my wizard can’t go catch a movie. 1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower
I can actually use. 1211. I cannot have any gun that has an NPC
Only Trigger Guard. 1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my
Jedi can’t have a flamethrower. 1213. No, we can’t see if the party can
beat Temple of Elemental Evil in under an hour.
1214. I will stop trying to put the Halfling in a diabetic coma.
1215. If I’m just a few XP from 16th level, I can’t just cast fireballs at random forests
until I hit something. 1216. I can’t have a gun that treats buildings
as light cover. 1217. No matter what the dice just said, I
didn’t kill the villain with the first shot of the combat.
1218. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in groups.
1219. Penguins will not fit in the standard ether jar.
1220. The Vulcan neck pinch doesn’t work in campaigns without Vulcans.
1221. Just because my sword is intelligent doesn’t mean he can do my math homework
for me. 1222. It’s a strangehold. Not an Ogryn neck
pinch. 1223. Ussuran women are not instantly recognizable
by their beards. 1224. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t
hit Stone with the Stone Cold Stunner. 1225. Having more beer than the enemy doesn’t
give me a morale bonus for the mass combat chart.
1226. No feat allows me to open beer cans with my pects.
1227. The Death Star does not need a cabin boy.
1228. ‘Overused cliché’ is not an appropriate favored enemy.
1229. I cannot gain Drama Dice in games I’m not actually in.
1230. It’s okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can’t name my Garou
Namflow. 1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence,
they aren’t going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor.
1232. “Head, Heart, Run” is not our posse’s motto.
1233. No matter how much sense it makes, we can’t paint the Glitterboy a camo scheme.
1234. My first act as XO can’t be a mutiny. 1235. Not allowed to use the replicator and
transporter to fill the Bird of Prey with Jello.
1236. I can’t take Invisibility to Detect Invisibility.
1237. My fighter can’t use the Monster Manual as a To-Do list.
1238. No making up Patron Saints. 1239. No part of the adventure is clothing
optional. 1240. No matter what the dice say, I didn’t
just seduce Chun Li. And Cammy. 1241. It takes more than one pick pocket roll
to totally derail the campaign. 1242. I can’t wish that somebody competent
wrote this module. 1243. Even if the game is dreadfully repetitive,
our party is motto can’t be ‘Wash, Rinse, Repeat’
1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer.
Even if it’s true. 1245. Must at least pay lip service to the
metaplot. 1246. It’s not possible to stampede dwarves.
1247. When told to pick a published superhero to play, Johnny Cash is not allowed. Paul
Stanley is perfectly acceptable. 1248. There is no such thing as a strap on
beard. 1249. It doesn’t matter if he took the large
advantage, we aren’t using the Ussuran as ballast.
1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court.
And not just as the Sidhe Male. 1251. Even the rules disagree, my character
can still drown. 1252. I cannot take the following as my favored
enemies: Southpaws, Mother-in-law or Keynesian Economists.
1253. Even if I’m being shanghaied into playing a rather crappy campaign, can’t
use Constitution as a dump stat. 1254. We aren’t luring the Arasaka agents
out of the safehouse by making ice cream truck noises.
1255. Splitting the atom at will is not an acceptable super power.
1256. ‘Ignore the metaplot’ is also not an acceptable super power.
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1258. Can’t base my character off a smurf. 1259. Even if I could base my character off
a smurf, Ghurka Smurf was not a real smurf. 1260. No matter what the dice say, my renaissance
inventor didn’t just invent manned space flight.
1261. If the villain’s three room lair holds over one hundred brutes, can’t just tip
off the Fire Marshal. 1262. No rerouting the roller coaster through
the Umbra. 1263. Can’t blame it on my gun.
1264. Will not retrofit my Federation Starship with fuses.
1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip.
1266. I will stop referring to my rogue as a freelance subterranean locksmith.
1267. The lockpicking kit must be more than a sawed off shotgun.
1268. Dwarves are physically incapable of performed the Dance of the Seven Veils.
1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill
eight guys with one bullet. 1270. Weapon Focus: Nukes is not a real feat.
1271. There will not be any sex in other player’s battlemechs.
1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn’t watch exactly where
he lays on hands. 1273. Any character that makes a seasoned
Rifts player flinch is vetoed, and shall never be spoken of again.
1274. I can’t check the Soul Forge in as baggage.
1275. Will not reanimate dead familiars just to keep them around for sentimental reasons.
1276. Freeing slaves out of justice is good. Out of spite, not so much.
1277. No I can’t have an H. R. Giger Counter. 1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but
body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much.
1279. Basing characters off gestalt of historical characters is fine unless it’s Miyamoto
Musashi and the mom from What’s Happening. 1280. Gold dragons do not conduct electricity
better than other dragons. 1281. The two primary types of Halfling are
not flathead and Phillips. 1282. My mad scientist does not get to divide
the party into control and test groups. 1283. For the last time, the elf wears the
maid disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise.
1284. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy Seeing Eye Rhino either.
1285. Just because I can play a charismatic Vestenmannavnjar missionary cleric, doesn’t
mean I should. 1286. My Buddhist monk will lose the cockney
accent. 1287. Let’s not taunt the minotaur with
‘How appropriate, you fight like a cow’ 1288. I will spend my martial arts technique
points on things other than blocking and running away.
1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy.
Yes, even if I have one on each barrel. 1290. I will refrain to take character roles
that the game forgot to make any rules for. 1291. Just because I’m playing an anthropomorphic
Emperor Marmoset doesn’t give me the noble advantage for free.
1292. Cannot bribe the target’s HR director to start casual Fridays just to make our upcoming
Black Ops easier that week. 1293. I can’t avoid plot mandated ambushes
no matter how hard I try. 1294. No I can’t have a magelock mini-slugger.
1295. I will not spend all my freebie points buying quantakinetic auxiliary modes.
1296. No we can’t weld the Star Destroyer’s bridge shut.
1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six.
1298. If the adventure includes the birth of a god, we still can’t file for holiday
pay that day. 1299. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t
compose an offensive joke on the target CEO’s email and CC the entire company.
1300. If the GM can’t lift all the GURPS books needed to run my character, he’s vetoed.
1301. The 10’ pole in the starting equipment list cannot support the weight of an exotic
dancer. 1302. Scorched Earth Day is not a holiday,
even in Cyberpunk. 1303. Nothing in Victoria’s Secret catalog
is available in Dracheneisen. 1304. Even if they are better in combat according
to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat.
1305. No amount of background will allow me to name the character Biff Buttoms.
1306. State Troopers are immune to the effects of the Delirium, so I need to find another
way out of that speeding ticket. 1307. No matter how well I make my fashion
roll, L’Empereur is not going to the ball dressed in a Catholic school girl’s uniform.
1308. Everybody was not gun-fu fighting. 1309. Even if my character is Canadian, that
doesn’t mean he can take a 1.524 meter free step.
1310. I will pick my character’s girlfriend based on something more than how much fire
support she can provide. 1311. I will not one shot an Eisenfurst.
1312. The plan will not continue until the GM finds out who Zan Tabak is.
1313. I will do nothing that tarnishes Hello Kitty’s memory.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power.
1315. Even if my character is Orthodox Jewish, I will check other characters’ pulse before
trying to bury them. 1316. A NASCAR pit crew cannot repair all
my vehicle’s damage in one round. 1317. My character will refrain from appearing
with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I’m chasing him with a wheat thresher.
1318. Fauner Posen’s Boy Toy is not technically a position at court.
1319. I will only use the module’s suggested tactics to stop the ground assault and ignore
the squadron of Y-Wings 100 meters away. 1320. There is no such thing as a Ballista-o-Gram.
1321. I will not accuse the Traveler News Service of liberal bias.
1322. The Ewok does not appreciate the giant hamster wheel we put in his quarters. Ingrate.
1323. I will not spend my entire Muster bonus on lottery tickets.
1324. If another player took the Disadvantage: Stutters, I can’t play a K’Kree.
1325. Black and Decker does not make droids either.
1326. I will not blow all my points on extra limbs just so I can play the superhero “Millipede
Man” 1327. Just because the Great Race of Yith’s
effect on sanity is minimal, doesn’t mean I should invite them over for dinner with
the folks. 1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer
will earn me a dark side point. 1329. The M203 is not for long range bocce
ball. 1330. Getting someone to spot for me is not
going to give me a bonus on a strength check. 1331. I will not hex someone into looking
like a piñata. Especially in Mexico City. 1332. Even if silence is required for the
entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops Operation: Mimecrime.
1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires
before we start. 1334. You cannot tell if somebody is a power
gamer by the faint smell of Gouda. 1335. I can not filibuster in the middle of
my dying speech to buy the cleric more time. 1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly
name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much. 1337. Can’t lure the Bastet into an ambush
by turning on the can opener. 1338. Jack Lalanne: Wrong type of Juicer.
1339. If unsure of what side of the road we drive on, the middle of the road is not a
healthy compromise. 1340. Brute squads make poor bridesmaids.
The reverse is not necessarily true. 1341. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot
become famous for not being famous. 1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter
how much I pray. 1343. If I have to explain to the halfling’s
sister why we dressed him like a raccoon, we’re all in trouble.
1344. No matter how cool it would be, we can’t use the time machine to loan Ike a few A-10
squadrons for D-Day. 1345. I don’t get a drama die just because
the GM pees. 1346. I will not waste wishes on professional
sporting events. 1347. Hooking up with the gamer chick the
Storyteller was angling for gets me banned from the game.
1348. When attempting to lure the giant to sleep with a bardic lullaby, I will leave
out the lyric “So we can kill you.” 1349. I will not program the medical droid
for “aggressive dentistry.” 1350. I will not dare the wage mage into trying
to summon a class 20 spirit. 1351. Guardian mode is not just for flipping
people the bird in the middle of battle. 1352. Even if we are issued a nuke, I’m not
allowed to touch it. 1353. I will stop trying to get a reality
TV show for our Black Ops team. 1354. We are not going to stall 10,000 Uruk-Hai
with a fake tollbooth. 1355. Pointing out the massive plothole in
the villain’s plan is not going to stop her from attacking.
1356. Before we start, let’s make sure whether everybody blows up if I shoot a shield with
a lasgun. 1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing
is not automatically Plan A. 1358. Even if I only get to swing a sword
once per minute, I can’t stop to smoke between attacks.
1359. I can’t call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it’s the one that the game suggested.
1360. Woodchippers, while useful, aren’t normal gear for a Black Ops.
1361. I will not tell the new players gelatinous cubes come in a variety of yummy flavors.
1362. The cleric is not tax exempt. 1363. No matter how much fun, we are not retrofitting
a tank with jumpjets. 1364. I cannot mint my own currency.
1365. Just because they make a miniature with that ability, doesn’t mean I can take that
ability. 1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell
to make the elf babes to make out. 1367. Gnomes are not nature’s tripods.
1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons.
1369. Elves do to have nipples. 1370. Halflings are not used as currency.
1371. “Biggio leans into pitch” is not a real kung fu maneuver.
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.
1373. If we can’t fit the droid in the freighter, I can’t play him.
1374. No matter I well I make the animal handling roll, I can’t break in a Juggernaught of Khorne.
1375. Setting Jawas on fire with a magnifying glass is an automatic dark side point.
1376. Motorcycle tires will cause aggravated wounds on a case by case basis.
1377. No feat affects hang time. 1378. We will limit the total amount of conversation
on the topic of “Hot Gnome on Gnome action.” 1379. I will not threaten to glue the old
rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II.
1380. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot disarm someone in melee with a longbow.
1381. I will just not dump the vampire in the Umbra and call it a day.
1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain’s lair.
1383. Portable Plothole is not a real magic item.
1384. I will not start a Ponzi scheme involving the entire party.
1385. Even if I couldn’t attend the session when everything went to hell, it’s still my
fault. 1386. The Stanley Cup does not have the same
power as the Holy Grail, even on Canadians. 1387. The MMORPG convert doesn’t actually
have to role play in his first game. 1388. Characters wanting to join the party
do not have to undergo the Flash Gordon tree monster ceremony.
1389. I cannot have a palanquin in my starting gear.
1390. Having a reputation for having a reputation does not grant me more reputation.
1391. I will quit hogging the legend chips. 1392. No digging out all the bullets in my
character and reusing them. 1393. No using the grapple rules to change
the course of history. 1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon
using only one body part to attack. 1395. Eldar really hate it when you greet
them with “Live long and prosper” 1396. No matter his condition, we aren’t
selling the villain’s corpse as modern art. 1397. Count on a back up villain if we ace
the first one in two rounds without damage. 1398. I will not give my preteen kids my work
number, especially if I’m on a Black Ops. 1399. The Monkey Grip feat doesn’t have
anything to do with gripping monkeys. 1400. Winona Ryder’s bare breasts are not
an acceptable weakness for my super hero. 1401. I will stop shooting at natural disasters.
1402. No spending all my starting gold on just a loincloth.
1403. Can’t use dominate to make vampires forget to change their clocks for Daylight
Savings Time. 1404. I will not spoil the adventure’s mandatory
ambush by using the cheesy tactic of a “scout”. 1405. It’s obvious I’m just playing a skald
so I can sing “Bjeorning, Bjoerning, Disco Inferno”
1406. The primary dwarf subraces are Sedimentary, Igneous and Metamorphic.
1407. I will not vote to play a game that has needed a rules decision from an economist.
1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence with a katana.
1409. I can’t have a skill if the rules say I can’t have, even if the rules say I’m also
good at it. 1410. Bleaching the drow won’t help.
1411. Despite what the rules say, bobsledding through the Vatican is much harder than it
looks. 1412. I will not make the DM break out the
siege rules until I’m at least second level. 1413. Even if the dungeon has only one exit,
can’t just starve the villain out. 1414. A Black Ops is not the appropriate place
to declare my candidacy for mayor. 1415. Carpet bombing is not an appropriate
specialization for a starting character. 1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn’t automatically
have to carry the popcorn. 1417. I do not have time in the Black Ops
to play Tetris with the building lights. 1418. The Elvish language is not just English
with a hell of a lot of lisping. 1419. I cannot convert to Scottish just for
tax purposes. 1420. Doing 50 in a 45 does not cause an alignment
check for the paladin. 1421. Gods don’t tap out.
1422. Montaigne aren’t required to surrender after the second turn.
1423. Eisenfurst Wishce didn’t appreciate the lap dance.
1424. I will keep the fact the king’s heraldry looks like a ferret in need of the Heimlich
Maneuver to myself. 1425. Lying about benefits being cut are not
going make the guards too disgruntled to fight back later.
1426. I am not “He who must not be named only in passing.”
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN. 1428. No spending half the game session seeing
what rhymes with Nyarlathotep. 1429. Even if I did manage to work all the
lyrics to 22 Acacia Avenue in character in the game, no bonus XP.
1430. If the party goes out like 300, that’s cool. Thelma and Louise not so much.
1431. When the DM sobers up, my paladin’s flumph mount is as good as dead.
1432. Using my prior knowledge of the adventure to force the game along while encouraged,
is discouraged. 1433. Zentradi are not good eating.
1434. Emergency supplies are not for childish pranks.
1435. The “Dibs” system is not a recognized method of promotion in the Ordo Malleus.
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother
on standby. 1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are
not an accepted method of transportation. 1438. You can’t find true names in a phone
book. 1439. If the top floor is too well defended,
can’t just blow off the next to top floor. 1440. Can’t start the game with echolocation.
1441. I will not wait until the first combat to tell the new guy that the lower his AC
the better. 1442. In the middle of a Black Ops I don’t
have time to elope. 1443. Wizards do not have to save against
carpal tunnel syndrome. 1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw
can’t both represent the same person. 1445. If I take a Buddhist monk I get lots
of combat bonuses that I can’t use without violating my religion.
1446. Even if the rules allow it, can’t catch bullets with my pects.
1447. My Bard will not take a trombone just so he can attack and use his bard song at
the same time. 1448. No such thing as preemptive last rites.
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed
to failure. 1450. Cannot summon an elemental out of any
material that only exists in a laboratory environment.
1451. Cannot name my Droid WEG-D6 1452. Despite it’s phenomenal success rate,
a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems.
1453. When the dwarf has an idea, no making the “He’s drunk” motion behind his back.
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting his dire tiger green and orange.
1455. Like a cow who goes to the well to often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors.
1456. Will not blow all my skill points on just ballroom dances.
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle,
not a kick in the kiwis. 1458. The ability to mimic other people’s
luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon. 1459. Even if the game is set in 1912, the
female characters get a vote on the party’s action.
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can’t fish with a flamethrower.
1461. I will not insist on playing a LAM pilot just to see if the Robotech lawyers were really
serious. 1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability
to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf. 1463. I will not take Resources 0 and Status
5 and just confiscate money as I need it. 1464. Cannot use the requisition skill to
get a beach house in the Virgin islands, even if Congress can.
1465. My sideburns cannot earn their own fear rating.
1466. I must sing my kids to sleep before the black ops.
1467. I will not sing other characters’ kids to sleep before, during or after the black
ops. 1468. None of the Summon Animal spells will
get me the drummer from the Muppets. 1469. No crossclassing just to get all the
different animal sidekicks. 1470. Will not break it to the other player
her 3 1/2′ elf is not taller than my 3’6″ tall gnome.
1471. The party will not enter into a tontine, that just encourages the evil players.
1472. No matter what the rules say, I can’t chase the villain around the map indefinately.
1473. When I’m told to get an alias, they didn’t mean that chick with the azure bonds.
1474. The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves.
1475. There is more to playing a Finn than cellphones, reindeer and sniper rifles.
1476. Even if I have a salient point, I won’t call the Rush Limbaugh show in the middle
of a Black Ops. 1477. If I’m playing an alien, I can’t have
alkaline for blood. 1478. Burning Orb spell doesn’t cause jock
itch. 1479. Using the time machine to put ‘W’ at
the front of the alphabet is silly. 1480. I will not add the restriction “only
to cook eggs” to any of my super powers. 1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy
Females does not exist. 1482. Even if Detroit can do it, I can’t add
the trait “Randomly bursts into flame” to my car.
1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.
1484. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should drop a house on the witch.
1485. No amounts of dots in fashion will let me use my bio-varg for formal wear.
1486. I cannot convince the entire party to play Squats.
1487. I cannot take a sidekick if all he’s gonna do is trail us with a high powered rifle.
1488. Dropping a tree on the lich creates more rules problems that its worth.
1489. My bard will not stop every passing minstrel for a round of Dueling Banjos.
1490. I will not use the ventriloquism skill to deliver bad news to the Emperor.
1491. Even if the rules allow it, can’t add the High Speed Pursuit Option to a steamroller.
1492. I will not turn the DM into a drinking game.
1493. No metamagic feat lets me add fragmentation to my spells.
1494. When playing a teleporter, I will buy the ability to actually teleport.
1495. I will not just buy the ability to teleport everybody but me.
1496. When I’m out of character, the hand puppets come off.
1497. I will not use the time machine to make “Don’t blame me, I voted for Tilden” bumper
stickers. 1498. Shooting him in the foot first does
not give me a bonus to the ridicule check. 1499. Even if historical accuracy is important
in the adventure, I will not become the Nazi Nazi.
1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he’s organically grown. 1501. I will not take the mirror image spell
literally and just shoot the wizard that’s not left handed.
1502. My first wish can’t be to invalidate the previous character’s last wish.
1503. Despite what the rules say, it doesn’t take 45 minutes to choke a 10th level fighter
to death. 1504. I cannot take the parachute skill until
somebody invents the parachute. 1505. We are not going through the phone book
to see who’s name is a killing word either. 1506. It is not automatically assumed whatever
vehicle my cop commandeers is a monster truck. 1507. North Equatorial Kansas is not a real
state. 1508. Nowhere in the timeline is Superfly
McBoomboom a US vice president. 1509. No part of the Constitution is written
in invisible ink. 1510. The Movie Phone Guy can’t be the voice
of the ship’s computer. 1511. No using the time machine to set the
“Star Spangled Banner” to anything by White Zombie.
1512. My canine officer can’t spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas.
1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it.
1514. I will make it abundantly clear the guy playing my mortal enemy is a good friend
in real life. 1515. The Pope does not have cyberpsychosis.
1516. I will not wish we were still playing Torg.
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun
is overkill. 1518. My Sniper will not kill all the bad
guys before the rest of the party is in range. 1519. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t
sell my niece’s band candy to the hostages. 1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller
wasn’t joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait.
1521. While not lethal, Ferris Wheels aren’t exactly healthy to vampires.
1522. Outside of Kingwood Community College moose antlers do not mean ‘Out of Character’.
1523. Stain glass windows are not a standard feature on Panzer tanks.
1524. The spell Extract Water Elemental doesn’t work on Water Elementals.
1525. I will not waste critical successes on drumming.
1526. Can’t use my pistols to communicate in Morse Code.
1527. There is no Patron Saint of the Dodecahedron. 1528. I can’t ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000
rounds or just 39,999. 1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual
1530. We are not sneaking in Mordor dressed as tour guides.
1531. Even if it does take the thief 10 minutes to search the room, that’s not enough time
for a quickie. 1532. If its cheaper to buy a new gun than
reload the old one, there’s a problem. 1533. Even if the rules allow it, can’t have
a belt fed pistol. 1534. I will raise my hand if I’ve already
heard the the DM’s riddle. 1535. The spell is called Prismatic Spray,
not Taste the Rainbow. 1536. Before we start the dungeon crawl, I
don’t have to have my monk oiled down. 1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce
his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment. 1538. My mage can’t just sleepwalk to get
around resting for spells. 1539. When the power gamer sleeps, can’t move
the camp down the road. 1540. Can’t lure out House Laio mechwarriors
by announcing a Chinese Firedrill. 1541. While highly effective, grabbing his
a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned
on. 1542. My superhero didn’t survive the purge
of supers by just playing left offensive guard for the Detroit Lions.
1543. My warhammer doesn’t have a claw part. 1544. Not allowed to just blow the supports
under Menzoberranzan. 1545. No matter how appreciated, I have to
have a better super power than ‘cures cancer by touch’
1546. I can’t spend Ship Points to put a Starbucks on the bridge.
1547. I will stop making up Space Marine Chapters. 1548. My netrunner’s icon has to be something
other than the Space Invaders ship. 1549. The totalitarian government tends to
notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.
1550. The Dirty Harry ‘Feeling Lucky Punk’ speech doesn’t work with a longbow.
1551. During the Black Ops all cell phones go on vibrate.
1552. My Lunar Class Cruiser has more than one bathroom.
1553. I can’t wish my girlfriend was hot like you.
1554. Archvillains don’t care about zoning restrictions.
1555. No matter how well I roll on my intimidate check, France won’t surrender.
1556. I do not have weapon proficiency in Craftsman.
1557. I will not horde Electrum in 2nd edition because I know it will be phased out.
1558. No Dire Marmot mounts until they publish the rules.
1559. Any mention of Life Day gets everybody a dark side point.
1560. My character is not addicted to the Feeling, the Shindig, or Love.
1561. Not possible to tattoo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anywhere on my body.
1562. Weapon codes mean Bludgeoning, Slashing and Piercing. Not Ballistic, Serrated and
Pneumatic. 1563. Dwarves have to take the platemail off
before sex. 1564. Superspeed gives immunity to friction.
1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging only into the ’93 San
Diego Padres is not. 1566. Bunk Cards are not for 3 card monte.
1567. I don’t get to play anybody’s Shadow. 1568. Werewolves normally do not have access
to the ‘Sonnet’ Specialization. 1569. The opening lyrics to Rock of Ages are
not an acceptable substitute to a real plan. 1570. No signing infernal contracts in disappearing
ink. 1571. Can’t bluff the Empire at Hoth with
just a whole bunch of snowmen. 1572. The Navigator has Warp Sight. Not Insane-o-Vision.
1573. Attempting to woo the Space Elf Clown does not turn the adventure into a Harlequin
romance. 1574. I do not have to scan the Romulan ambassador
for cooties. 1575. Apaches do not settle arguments by Indian
Leg Wrestling. 1576. I will tell the new player fantasy games
means gnomes and wizards not assless chaps and jumper cables.
1577. The degauss gun is not a real gun. 1578. Every time the halfing gets a critical
hit I don’t have to feed him a snack. 1579. No one in the party gets to name their
character Kurgen McAsskicker. 1580. I will not spend 30 minutes of the game
trying to buy an accordion. 1581. I will stop using crew as hit points.
1582. I need to stop telling new players bards were the original prestige class.
1583. Even if the rules allow it, can’t take a prestige class at level 4.
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can’t sneak with a running chainsaw.
1585. Vegepygmies are not a part of this complete breakfast.
1586. The Progenitor’s job is not just to supply ‘the good stuff’.
1587. There is no way the Iteration X mage is going to make it through airport security.
1588. It’s not ok to stick the Syndicate agent with the check every single time.
1589. We aren’t calling the NWO agent at odd hours just to answer trivia questions.
1590. We will buy a GPS already so we don’t have to drag the Void Engineer everywhere.
1591. Rokea do not make pacman noises when they attack.
1592. If the Solar cringes, it’s time to reassess my alignment.
1593. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t build myself an Imperator Titan.
1594. Flak armor is not just a muscle shirt with the word “ARMOR” stenciled on it.
1595. We aren’t raising the villain from the dead because we haven’t killed him enough
yet. 1596. Even if she’s the most dangerous, the
party doesn’t appreciate me killing the naked chick first.
1597. Devils don’t appreciate natural 20’s on a bargain check.
1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative.
1599. There is no prize for having the prettiest werewolf.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t mount a flamethrower on a knife.
1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women.
1602. Druids have many roles in the party. Minesweeper is not one of them.
1603. I am not El Vago the Gay Blade. 1604. When told to pick a number between 1
and 10, the answer is not pi. 1605. I cannot have a bluetooth telegraph.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.
1607. They do not sell tire spikes at Kaybee Toys.
1608. I cannot kill any man in a way made famous by Rutger Hauer.
1609. Even if I am captain, I can’t have my men portage my frigate.
1610. If the GM says 3d6 straight down, he didn’t mean it if that gives me a pixie fairy
berserker. 1611. Even if she started it, no setting the
princess on fire. 1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1.
1613. No matter how much they enjoy it, no juggling halfling children.
1614. I will stop telling the noob the Star Wars universe celebrates people exploding
at the age of 25. 1615. Despite what the rules say, a dracheneisen
life preserver is a bad idea. 1616. Despite what the math says, elves do
not gestate for an entire decade. 1617. I will not take the flaw Enemy: Paranoids.
1618. Any character even remotely resembling Mr. B Natural is dead before the first dice
are rolled. 1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn’t
mean we need to water him. 1620. I will not use the druid’s chakram to
play frisbee with his dire wolf. 1621. No using the Reduce spell to only to
buy a child’s ticket at the movies. 1622. Militech does not have a wedding registry.
1623. Can’t thwart the Cylon’s massive attack just by installing Norton Antivirus.
1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.
1625. Verbena weigh more than a duck. 1626. My character’s favorite color is not
Burnt Umber Hulk. 1627. Getting a blue chip for humor does not
entitle me to an acceptance speech. 1628. If all the players have to pool their
d6’s so I can roll for initiative, time to retire the character.
1629. I can’t medal in ass kicking. 1630. Starships do not have to drop anchor.
1631. Starfleet’s rules on using the Holodeck for recreating scenes from Caligula are very
clear. 1632. I will not blow all my starting cash
on just housecats. 1633. If Plan A was ‘Beat it out of him’ Plan
B can’t be ‘Just ask nicely’ 1634. If it’s revealed Shakespeare was the
author of Funky Cold Medina my time machine privileges are revoked.
1635. No bioengineering dolphins to shot laser beams out of their blowholes.
1636. Animals native to Australia are not eligible for my druid’s companion.
1637. ‘Dibs’ is not a term of bereavement. 1638. Using the dwarf as a battering ram is
expected. Other siege weapons not so much. 1639. No giving a character a dumb name so
he can pick fights over it later. 1640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives
I can attach to an uppercut. 1641. No matter what it says, my intelligent
vorpal sword is not getting rewarded with a candy bar.
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can’t make a man’s head explode.
1643. Despite precedent, if the travel gets rough, we can’t eat the bard.
1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen
Miranda. 1645. One more bad pun for a character name
and I’m forbidden from playing in the Furry RPG.
1646. I am not Wombatman. 1647. Any character requiring the GM to tab
more than 10 pages of rules for reference is vetoed.
1648. Even if we are playing in the old west, can’t spend all my money on leather, whips
and barbed wire. 1649. I can’t free the cannibals’ prisoners
by starting a food fight with them. 1650. Venting non-essential crew to the void
before payday is not an acceptable cost cutting measure.
1651. No teaching halflings how to fly. 1652. My negamagician will not taunt the wage
mage Brer Rabbit style. 1653. The power gamer would appreciate me
not bringing the book with the rule he is grotesquely abusing.
1654. A warning shot is not one that just wounds him.
1655. No using the halfling as a grappling hook.
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet
is much, much worse. 1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.
1658. The words “Rock Opera” will not appear in any of my wishes.
1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean ‘he likes
to watch’. 1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline
chemicals, that does not mean all their base belongs to us.
1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the
window. 1662. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony.
1663. There is no such thing as a ‘bad touch attack’
1664. If my Rogue Trader manages to arrive before he leaves, no cleaning up on the lottery.
1665. I will not forget to uncuff the pedophile from outside the car before driving back to
the station. 1666. If if takes more than five minutes for
the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun.
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn’t mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn’t mean by shooting the guy standing next
to him. 1669. When told to distract the bad guy they
didn’t mean by setting him on fire. 1670. Dungeons are not handicapped accessible.
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the “I’m with tasty –>” tabard.
1672. I will remember the Incredible Luck super power is illegal in Vegas.
1673. I will not start dating another character’s archenemy.
1674. I cannot start the game radioactive. 1675. If an enemy fails a stun check, that
does not give me a free hit for flinching. 1676. Before I get it on with the green chick,
I’ll make sure she’s supposed to be that color. 1677. Before I sass the power gamer, make
sure the other players got my back. 1678. I don’t get any XP for anything I killed
in a flashback. 1679. No amount of character points lets me
start as the Beatle’s bagpiper. 1680. The point of the Improvised Weapon Skill
is not to see how many different things I can kill people with.
1681. Just crossing his fingers behind his back is not an option for my paladin.
1682. Snufficate is not a real way to kill somebody.
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning
them one at a time is an alignment check. 1684. No making up euphemisms for death.
1685. There is no Neurotic Book of Fantasy. 1686. Dodge Everything While Standing Still
is not a real spell. 1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader
and just shooting down Vader. 1688. Just because he starts every game in
a tavern doesn’t mean the Barbarian needs rehab.
1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland’s GDP does not go to hair care products.
1690. I don’t get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.
1691. True Sight doesn’t tell me what the NPC’s treasure type is.
1692. Buying the alternative identity advantage is perfectly legal, unless it’s Elvis.
1693. When asked to describe my room, can’t use Smaug’s lair as a template.
1694. Debauchery is not a stat. 1695. Can’t load the shotgun just with rock
salt because I’m feeling mean. 1696. Yes, Les Paul is a guitar god. No, he
can’t grant spells. 1697. Can’t use the Decanter of Endless Water
for water skiing, the Jacuzzi, or a wet tabard contest.
1698. Andorrans are not closely related to smurfs.
1699. The Astromech appreciates it if we’d stop using him for ordinance delivery.
1700. Even if the rules allow it, Lawful Good deities don’t appreciate human sacrifices
to them. 1701. Can’t clear out a dungeon by sneaking
in and running a generator while they sleep. 1702. Even if it’s historically accurate,
can’t try to heal someone by cutting them. 1703. The time machine is not for finding
ringers for our baseball team. 1704. Even if we’re playing Werewolf: The
Wild West, can’t play the Lone Ranger. 1705. If my boss wakes up to find a young
Frank Sinatra won American Idol, no more time machine for me.
1706. Before anybody makes a demolitions check, I will raise my hand if my skill is the highest.
1707. In the middle of a black ops, can’t play ‘will it bounce’ with the penthouse furniture.
1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly TPK’d by a jerboa.
1709. Even if its really cool, no throwing dry ice on the water weird.
1710. Mooning M. Bison is not an appropriate stunt action.
1711. I will not spend all my starting cash on the stock market.
1712. Can’t take out the villain by just propping a bucket of acid over his door.
1713. It is not necessary for the villain to say ‘Uncle’ before I accept his surrender.
1714. My martial artist has to actually know a martial art.
1715. Can’t just wizard lock the villain’s throne room and come back in two weeks after
he’s starved to death. 1716. Summon Para-Legal Elemental is not a
real spell. 1717. The spell Summon Vacuum Elemental is
not for household chores. 1718. I don’t have to name everything we discover
after myself. 1719. I can’t forge out a new Elven homeland
by conquest unless the Elves want a new homeland. 1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle
of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves.
1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is Lennie Briscoe, he dies.
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun. 1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if its
just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels.
1724. No matter how well I make my Animal Wrangling roll, can’t saddle break a Los Diablos.
1725. No god’s vestments include gogo boots. 1726. If I kill more goons with my rifle than
the rest of the party without firing a shot, time to retire the character.
1727. When facing the classic weight balance trap, can’t use the halfling for ballast.
1728. Can’t have a gun that doubles as a jump jet.
1729. “Large things that hurt badly? is not an appropriate focus.
1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.
1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts.
1732. Even if the rules allow it, can’t start a Vestenmannavnjar Dixie Land band.
1733. Dousing a character in beer is acceptable after a victory. Then setting him on fire
is not. 1734. We aren’t continuing the mission until
everybody is clear on the term “Going in hardcore” 1735. “Come here often?” is not what you say
when rescuing the princess from the necromancer’s dungeon.
1736. Can’t name my rabbit familiar Watership. 1737. There is no par on a dragon.
1738. Even if I write it, can’t have my own theme song.
1739. The rules don’t cover laugh tracks. 1740. If the villain performs a kind act,
can’t blackmail him with it later. 1741. Klingons don’t have a French accent.
1742. We aren’t relocating the campaign to Texas or Florida for tax reasons.
1743. No taunting characters about what they lost in the latest errata.
1744. Can’t one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense.
1745. Contrary to popular belief, mercenaries don’t help divorce proceedings.
1746. Even if my culture has no spoken language, the campaign will not turn into a game of
charades. 1747. There was no conspiracy to keep Wales
out of 7th Sea. 1748. Can’t target microscopic organisms with
spells. 1749. If my character is a hard drinking,
hard partying muslim chick, it’s vetoed is she’s clearly my Ex.
1750. A barbarian is not just a fighter with less feats and more anger management issues.
1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug. 1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping
paladin explain all the hickies. 1753. No challenging sleeping people to a
duel. 1754. No hogging all the brute kills.
1755. Calling my shot means ‘Where I want to hit him’ not ‘Where I want him to land.’
1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian.
1757. The princess’ menstral cycle doesn’t factor into her rescue.
1758. Dr. Suess has no place in an exorcism. 1759. Doesn’t matter what I just killed with
it, the howitzer is not going to qualify for holy relic.
1760. No risking profit factor to buy groceries. 1761. Star Destroyers are already baby proofed.
1762. If my character causes Camelot to look like King Lear he dies.
1763. If I just rolled the same chart result 8 times in a row, I will lie about the result
if I do it again. 1764. No spending stunt points to play ‘Yoink!
Got your nose!’ on a Genlock. 1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is
not an appropriate SAS uniform. 1766. No starting a character with 4 swordsman
schools. 1767. No I can’t Google the villain’s secret
weakness. 1768. My monk can’t convince the bad guys
to go streaking with him just so they’re easy to beat up later.
1769. I can’t disarm the monk. At least not literally.
1770. I don’t have to be faster than the other investigators. They have to be faster than
my bullets. 1771. If my actions singlehandedly put the
Drow on the endangered species list, time to retire the character.
1772. No using EHarmony to find a cleric for the party.
1773. Can’t use a wish spell to make the last Star Wars trilogy not suck.
1774. Battle Mauls can’t double as coup sticks. 1775. Just because I spared the villain’s
life doesn’t mean she owes me a first date. 1776. They don’t make weapon grade schnauzers.
1777. No using goldfish as improvised weapons just to get the dual weapon bonus.
1778. I don’t have to buy a child seat to take the halfling anywhere.
1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy.
1780. No using the friendship virtue to start a harem.
1781. Beatlemania is not an acceptable dementia. 1782. I will remember we’re playing 4th edition
and stop using my imagination. 1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean
with an aztec bar mitzvah. 1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making
up gnomish profanities. 1785. I can’t play an anthropomorphic homo
sapiens. 1786. Albanians do not count as furries.
1787. I will stop telling people my high elf is just a drow with a bad case of vitiligo.
1788. Even if it takes an hour before it’s my turn again, can’t kill time with solitaire.
1789. Doesn’t matter what the map says, can’t drive a sports car through the villain’s lair.
1790. Can’t find the villain just by casting power word stun in the bar and see who’s still
standing. 1791. Can’t make the genie’s head explode
until everybody else has had their wish. 1792. Let’s keep the collateral damage to
under a billion dollars. 1793. A comeliness under 15 doesn’t mean I
can’t be on MTV. 1794. Can’t use party members for ante.
1795. Not possible to corner the market on weapons they don’t have rules for yet.
1796. The halfling language is not just baby speak.
1797. Getting the dwarf fixed isn’t going to improve his disposition.
1798. Can’t start every game breaking out of jail.
1799. They don’t make healing potions in diet. 1800. I will not point out any loophole that
arouses the powergamer. 1801. When challenged for rank, can’t make
the challenge 1970’s NBA trivia. 1802. Leave off the Chaotic Evil alignment
on the teaching application. 1803. Can’t convince to party to play Frankie
Goes to Hollywood. Not their music, the actual band.
1804. The epic villain killing weapon requires a quest to obtain, not $35 at Pruett’s Guns
and Ammo. 1805. I won’t mention a celebrity that causes
another gamer to go all stalker. Sorry in advance Jeannie Mai.
1806. Before we start a band of pirates, make sure the game isn’t set in a landlocked nation.
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t have a saber toothed walrus.
1808. Even if I buy enough for everybody, snuggies alone will not raise crew morale.
1809. If I get to pick my position in a star spanning empire, can’t pick Fire Chief.
1810. Even if the rules allow it, can’t be on good terms with an organization sworn to
destroy me. 1811. Doesn’t matter what I rolled, my ork
can’t have a space surfboard. 1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian
as flamethrower fuel. 1813. My troll’s biography will not include
the phrase ‘sweet, sweet love’ 1814. My battlecruiser does not inclue a discotheque,
bowling alley, IMAX, or strip joint. 1815. Can’t have a gun capable of using other
PC’s as ammo. 1816. The Druid doesn’t have to change sides
every time the tide changes. 1817. Can’t target the starship’s radiator.
1818. Can’t make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder.
1820. Let’s not see how far I can lower crew morale before the game begins.
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn’t qualify for the inspirational
music ability. 1822. When told to play a teenage high school
girl, that doesn’t include East German swimmers named Sergi.
1823. Despite what you’d think, taking out a child molester with extreme prejudice doesn’t
restore my humanity. 1824. ‘Getting Uppity’ is not a capital offense.
Even to a Rogue Trader. 1825. No taking Peace Activists as favored
enemies just because they are easy targets. 1826. Before we have the bard loot the dungeon,
make sure he’s clear on the spelling. 1827. No starting Fight Club.
1828. Remember to take the helmet off before I use the acid spit ability.
1829. Darth Vader does not need his air filter changed.
1830. Deer Season is restricted to rifle or bow. Not greco-roman.
1831. Drunken Master is a feared martial artist. A Drunken Journeyman is not any 5th level
dwarf. 1832. No result on the Impact Critical F chart
reduces a foe to base elemental components. 1833. If we’re short on cash no starting a
telethon. 1834. Star Destroyers don’t have help desks.
1835. Can’t take poison immunity, coat my food with cyanide, and see who’s been stealing
my lunch from the fridge. 1836. A talking animal sidekick is okay. One
that sings Disney tunes is roadkill. 1837. I won’t ask how a 9′ combat monster
with no concept of subtlety starts with a +1D in stealth.
1838. Can’t lure ninjas out of hiding with a game of Marco Polo.
1839. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at
me causes a penalty to stealth checks. 1840. Doesn’t matter if I get bonuses for
eating fallen foes, no spending requisition on condiments.
1841. No using ventriloquism to trick the Khorne Berzerkers into slaughtering each other.
1842. You can’t suplex a lictor. 1843. Can’t land the drop pod on the villain.
1844. Even if the rules say otherwise, I can’t actually use 500 grenades in a single mission.
1845. I will use the security skill to open the door, even if it’s easier to just rip
it off its hinges. 1846. If the Ork makes his check to solve
higher mathematics, his head doesn’t explode. 1847. No picking a sorcery that is actually
unplayable as written. 1848. Slapping a fake mustache on the freeboota
doesn’t count as a disguise check. 1849. There is too an elven word for monogamy.
1850. There is also an elven word for heterosexual. 1851. Can’t use woodchippers as shotguns against
vampires. 1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for
Adeptus Astartes. 1853. I can’t chew gum during chapter briefings,
even if I brought enough for the entire Space Marine Chapter.
1854. TSR is not hiding Golden Tickets in Mystara Gazetteers.
1855. Using a barber’s razor as a weapon does not make me a barbarian.
1856. I will refer to the radar contact as a Blitzer-72 MBT, and not as a TPK in a can.
1857. No unloading all my remaining ammo in the last bad guy so I don’t have to carry
it back with me. 1858. The answer to ‘how to spell sousaphone’
is V-E-T-O. 1859. No challenging Death to a game of Tic-Tac-Toe
until he gets bored and quits, ensuring my immortality.
1860. Summary Execution Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero, even if it is accurate.
1861. Can’t take a favored enemy I can’t kill for another ten levels.
1862. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t hip shoot a cannon.
1863. I will stop asking the Ultramarine why his chapter’s primary color isn’t ultramarine.
1864. Even if paladin starts with P and that rhymes with T, it doesn’t stand for trouble.
1865. No wasting Music Man references on a 10th grader.
1866. Even if the rules allow it, can’t have a poisonous lascannon.
1867. Can’t have a gun that reduces people to Rorschach tests.
1868. Playing the Who doesn’t give me a bonus to forensic checks.
1869. You can’t count coup with power weapons. 1870. If I’m invited to play a one shot with
a new DM, can’t play a serious straight laced character.
1871. No tricking the techpriest into dividing by zero.
1872. My Rogue Trader can’t upgrade his ship with a ice rink, duck blind or vomitarium.
1873. Stormtroopers will only fall for the broken comlink trick so many times.
1874. Even if elves are a dying race, can’t start a forced breeding program.
1875. Before I make the seduction check, I will reread the description of the swinging
knack. 1876. I will stop telling the new players
gnomes came from Sverfneblia. 1877. I will stop asking the high elf for
a hit. 1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy
weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you?
1879. The halfling’s natural enemy is not the pedophile.
1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default. 1881. No shooting the Quarren at the start
of the adventure, even if it would have immediately solved the last four adventures instantly.
1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram.
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can’t carry a clan of halfings in his pack
without penalty. 1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can’t
recruit the deer to replace him. 1885. Considering we don’t have a TARDIS or
a bag of holding, we can stop speculating on how they would interact.
1886. Can’t trick the GM into starting a conversation between the Doctor and Inspector Columbo.
1887. If I use the leap skill to individually jump over every goon in the room, when I reach
the other side I can’t demand to be made royalty. 1888. Even if the rules allow it, my marine
can’t requisition a rolex. 1889. Slapping a meltabomb on the Emperor’s
Children marine and putting his resulting efforts to get it off on Youtube gets me a
Corruption Point. 1890. My Rogue Trader doesn’t have spend Requisition
Points on feminine hygiene products. 1891. Dreadnoughts don’t get conjugal visits.
1892. No matter what the module says, slaughtered and dissected scientists cause more san loss
than frozen dogs. 1893. Can’t take Speaks in Third person quirk
just so I can use the lyrics to Battery as an attack plan.
1894. No mounting my rival’s anti-gravity plating on his ceiling.
1895. The Escaped Fugitive background doesn’t include from Disney Teen Musicals
1896. Even if they have blond hair, blue eyes and are proud of their physical perfection,
Aasimir don’t appreciate Seig Heils. 1897. Assist Other actions helps in combat,
not with crossword puzzles. 1898. No hiring Anakin Skywalker some Twilek
hookers, thus removing his reason to become Vader.
1899. The target’s current zip code has no bearing on my called shot.
1900. Verbena are not water soluble. 1901. Even if my Jedi has a Scottish accent,
can’t have a plaid lightsaber. 1902. Playing a Gamorrian doesn’t violate
anybody’s religion. 1903. No ruining the game by informing the
DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead. 1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing
spells and buying gear, not coming up with a safety word.
1905. No nailing the GM’s girlfriend’s character. 1906. I will ask permission before performing
an autopsy in another character’s hideout. 1907. No putting the villain’s fake bio on
Match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me.
1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn’t get a permanent persuasion
bonus just because she puts out. 1909. Combat boots don’t give bonuses to CPR
checks. 1910. I don’t need to know the melting point
of orcs. 1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t
one shot guys with a feather duster. 1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker.
1913. Can’t postdate a letter of marque. 1914. Can’t abuse the boggan’s weakness to
get free babysitting. 1915. The following are not acceptable specialties
for a weapon master: Mustard Gas, Cheese Grater, Sardonicism.
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don’t give bonuses to shotguns.
1917. “The ability to do anything, as long as it’s not that hard” is not a real superpower.
1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peek at the future. Again.
1919. There is no needing for a dark brooding vigilante of the night in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
1920. “Shakedown” is not a art skill specialty. 1921. In the middle of a Black Ops can’t run
up the target’s cable bill by ordering PPV movies on his TV.
1922. Can’t air hump the king from behind while he’s performing demagoguery.
1923. Electrokinetics are not allowed anywhere near the President’s teleprompter.
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC’s in the head does not improve morale.
1925. Can’t disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me.
1926. DM’s don’t appreciate being dubbed. 1927. Can’t filibuster other characters.
1928. Nobody is going to buy the disguised wookie as a jawa with a pituitary problems.
1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment. 1930. The wizard’s familiar does not have
to save vs. leg hump. 1931. MkVI armor’s drawback is not random
chicken noises. 1932. I will stop telling people the elf is
openly fey. 1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually
made out of elves. 1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn’t require
a strength check. 1935. It’s not possible to become addicted
to healing spells. 1936. You don’t have to be lawful evil to
be sentenced to Devil’s Island. 1937. Not my fault if you can defeat the labyrinth
by just making right turns. 1938. When the game designer asks me my opinion
about the new edition of his game, open weeping is not appreciated.
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can’t parry an artillery barrage with my fists.
1940. Blasting the distress signal from orbit is forbidden, even if it would have avoided
the last six ambushes. 1941. Qunari aren’t automatically angered
by the color red. 1942. Can’t distract the villain by sending
him a text. 1943. I will not attempt to gnomeoform Faerun.
1944. Even if the King is represented by a miniature, I can’t put him in checkmate.
1945. No prisoner gets special treatment, even if he does look like Robert Goulet.
1946. No improvising, winging or fabricating funeral rites.
1947. Can’t use teleport to convince the villain’s henchmen he’s seeing things.
1948. Having an electrotech in the party doesn’t mean I get to leave my phone charger at home.
1949. Can’t free the hostage with a surprise game of Red Rover.
1950. Not allowed to start the campaign having sex, especially with another PC.
1951. Can’t use the international date line to get around once per day restrictions.
1952. There is no bluff check in the world that gets around divine retribution.
1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus.
1954. Swedish accents are great for vikings, ninjas not so much.
1955. No tagging the sleeping dragon with “Bilbo was here”.
1956. If we end up playing Illuminated martial artist superheros protecting the Mad Lands
from the Chtorr, we will reselect the source books again with our eyes open.
1957. There is no way to diplomatically ask the Gaius if he’s going to finish that sandwich.
1958. Dwarven breast milk is not 180 proof. 1959. No using the time machine to make Christ
the keynote speaker at an atheist convention. 1960. I will not use the commune spell to
find out who is John Galt. 1961. No spending more points than the villain
to make his assistant more loyal to me. 1962. There is more combat than a called shot
to the face with a double barrel, despite what the dice say.
1963. If I can’t use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against
the dwarf. 1964. No talking Hastur into suing Voldemort
for trademark infringement. 1965. Can’t send the party out on an epic
quest just to get some alone time with the missus.
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can’t play a viking mad scientist.
1967. A Shemsu-Heru kamikaze pilot is funny once.
1968. Even if there is no naming convention given, Tal Vashoth are probably not named
Larry. 1969. I will keep all eldritch artifacts of
ungodly power out of the reach of children. 1970. Even If I need to practice it, if I’m
playing Batman, I lose the Russian accent. 1971. Giving my media the paparazzi template
does not actually cause humanity loss. 1972. No probating Dunkelzahn’s will.
1973. I will quit pestering the techpriest on whether he’s AC or DC.
1974. Despite what the rules say, you don’t have to be a 19th level bard to play Alice’s
Restaurant Massacre. 1975. No using the weapon critical hit charts
to play bingo. 1976. The identify spell doesn’t work on mystery
meat. 1977. If I managed to roll up a half ogre
knight errant on 3d6 straight down, no gloating. 1978. Naming the half ogre Sir Loin of Beef
is gloating. 1979. The University of Wisconsin does not
have branches in Lankhmar, Waterdeep or Blackmoor. 1980. The druid can’t transform into a sports
car. Even if we douse him with hot water. 1981. No wrecking the Millennium Falcon in
the prologue. 1982. If the GM’s pet NPC has tons of plot
armor, can’t use her for cover. 1983. Even if it’s the coolest spell ever,
can’t just go around exploding everyone. 1984. A paladin of the god of obituaries job
is not to just kick butt and take names. 1985. The surprise in the surprise attack
comes from its speed, not from the shattered eardrums of the breaching charge.
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn’t mean an Abrams.
1987. After the battle my Astartes is to spend his time training and in meditation, not choreographing
Gilbert and Sullivan numbers. 1988. No result on the critical hit chart
splits the atom. 1989. Can’t set the Death Star to stun.
1990. Even if we crashed the opening of the last eight adventures, still have to name
our new starship. 1991. Medium Well is not a phaser setting.
1992. Can’t fly standing up. 1993. Squeezing a termagaunt like bagpipes
isn’t going to turn him into a machine gun. 1994. There is no instant replay in Hackmaster.
1995. The proper response after making a very tough bluff check is not a TD dance.
1996. If any player ends up in lingerie, the game is over.
1997. Better believe if I berserk for two straight hours I’m going to feel it in the
morning. 1998. The wookie isn’t allowed anywhere near
conditioner. 1999. The evil twin flaw doesn’t count if
he’s fraternal. 2000. Despite what the dice just said, I’m
not the personal god of Michael Phelp’s agent. 2001. A Saber tooth tiger is not an acceptable
second in a duel. 2002. No flashbacks to the death of the disposable
expository NPC at the start of the adventure. 2003. Any gun whose damage is best described
in scientific notation is vetoed. 2004. Just because I took the large advantage
does not let me rampage through Tokyo at will. 2005. Can’t just program the probe droid to
go to light speed through the Star Destroyer. 2006. Torpedo spheres don’t just go off on
accident. 2007. No taunting Darth Maul with the fact
Uncle Owen had more lines, more screen time and a more memorable death.
2008. No spending money from the Raise Dead fund on ice cream.
2009. I will make sure when the GM asks what my fetish is if he means voodoo bag or brunettes
with short hair. 2010. Improved tax evasion is not a real feat.
2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space
Mongolian after Genghis Khan’s wife. 2012. Apothecaries can’t perform emergency
skullectomies. 2013. Can’t convince the entire pantheon to
all take spiders as their fourth domain. 2014. In the middle of a black ops I don’t
have time to set all the target’s phone handsets to maximum volume.
2015. If World War III is looming, I will not spend all my character advances on just
liberal arts degrees. 2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs
something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people.
2017. Off duty Astartes wear robes, not wife beaters and speedos.
2018. Spending my Rank 4 instead of Rank 5 priority on human does not make me more human
than human. 2019. Even if the elf fails his willpower
check, we don’t need to change him. 2020. There is only one mounting option for
Mr. Stud. This is not optional. 2021. Even if used correctly, branding irons
do not count as non-lethal weapons. 2022. I will refrain from any activity that
could turn the entire party into smoking piles of lederhosen.
2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald’s musical performances is
abusing Grumfather’s gift. 2024. Despite how practical it would be, I
have no need for a dracheneisen tuba. 2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun
exterminatus. 2026. I will not try to bring back nipples
as a superhero fashion statement. 2027. Boernings fully understand the concept
of personal space. 2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called
shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn’t very practical.
2029. In the middle of a black ops, I can’t order 1500 pizzas to be delivered to the target
the next day. 2030. Elves do not get a racial bonus to the
skill Trade: Interior Design 2031. Even if the kids love it, the Cone of
Cold spell is not for making toboggan rides possible in August.
2032. If I ever trick the DM into telling us the only way to make money mining is to
work the shaft, all my characters die. Not just in this game either.
2033. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t conduct a television interview and maintain
a choke hold at the same time. 2034. Can’t spend all my starting points to
build a Renaissance version of Las Vegas. 2035. Cylons don’t have a four year life span.
2036. Darth Harmonious is not a real Sith Lord.
2037. No matter how many times it’s already been retconned, I can’t change the story of
the origins of the Sith every time we play. 2038. Even if it’s a friendly pick up game,
it’s a bad idea to dunk on Vader. 2039. I will remember Captain Reis has the
“Immunity: NPCs with no name” advantage. 2040. Characters with the curious disadvantage
are not acceptable substitutions for the Identify spell.
2041. There are no additional bonuses to guessing the right card if we’re playing Go Fish with
a Deck of Many Things. 2042. Any attempt to breed Bearowls is doomed
to failure. 2043. If I knock out Ryu while I’m blocking,
it’s time to retire the character. 2044. If I’m not allowed to go back in time
to kill the villain, I can’t just bring him to the present as a child either.
2045. No scanning the periodical table for an unused element to base my superhero around.
2046. The very thought of improving my humanity by osmosis costs humanity.
2047. Dwarven ale does not double as jet fuel, industrial solvent or colic medicine.
2048. No secretly setting the Netrunner’s modem interface to 8 bit.
2049. No matter how pissed off the Verbena makes me, I can’t put her on Glenn Beck’s
mailing list. 2050. Can’t use the bureaucracy skill to indefinitely
delay a rival going through customs. Yeah, made no sense to me either.
2051. DM’s don’t appreciate the Socratic method. 2052. The following are not acceptable favored
enemies: Torries, Cartoon Characters, Wichita Falls.
2053. If the GM is a woman, can’t play a space otter to gain cute points.
2054. If the rules require me to multiply several stats by 10,117 to get another stat,
can’t do it long hand in protest. 2055. I will try to keep the number of pages
the GM rips out of his playtest binder to a minimum.
2056. Can’t stealthfully follow the villainous wizard and backstab him every time he tries
to cast a spell, even if every rogue in the world does it to our wizard.
2057. My druid will stop insisting we place all expended magic items in the appropriate
recycling bin. 2058. No uploading to the villian’s electrotat
the video of me shooting him. 2059. Even if I no longer lose SAN around
them, no domesticating nightgaunts. 2060. When describing my superhero, I will
stop at “Molly Ringwald Man” 2061. Note to self: Pinata golems are a bad
idea. 2062. Even if I have enough rope and have
nine attacks a round, can’t garrote a hydra. 2063. Despite Hawkman, Batman, Antman and
Spiderman, Red Snapperman is not a legitimate superhero name.
2064. The wish spell can’t affect the order of the alphabet.
2065. Even if I buy off the Nemesis disadvantage doesn’t mean we can’t still be enemies.
2066. Snipers don’t appreciate their spotter yelling out “BOOM HEADSHOT!”
2067. Can’t have a gun that can inflict lethal damage with just the bullet’s windshear.
2068. If my character’s name is not an anagram, I will tell the DM before he spends 30 minutes
rearranging letters. 2069. No explaining battle plans to the tune
of a Jerry Reed song. 2070. The spell is “Heat Metal”, not “Detect
Piercings”. 2071. Even if the Corporation prefers PC terminology,
an interrogation is not ‘kinetic information retrieval’.
2072. Power Word Sarcasm is not a real spell. 2073. Even if the rules might allow them,
we can’t all play Ogryn warcasters. 2074. I will not give into temptation when
presented with a decanter of endless water and an opening to the underdark.
2075. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I have to land my Veritech like Ironman on the deck
of the carrier every single time. 2076. If I’m commissioned to build an artillery
gun, they don’t mean a gun that fires howitzers. 2077. If I abandon the game for alone time
with my fiance, my PC dies. Ask me if I freaking care.
2078. Just because the DM prefers D&D to alone time with a smoking hot fiance doesn’t mean
the party gets to question his gender preference. 2079. During the Time of Troubles can’t forward
my prayers to another god. 2080. The Bohemian Earspoon is not an appropriate
weapon for a paladin. Or anybody else for that matter.
2081. ‘Horn Dog’ is not a real Dwarven caste. 2082. No matter how successful, our party
has to be more than a wizard and 5 pikemen. 2083. ‘Fifty Shades of Grey Dwarves’ is not
the new Duergar sourcebook. 2084. We can’t steal all the treasure from
the giant magical scales, even if we do undertake an engineering project that dwarfs the Hoover
Dam. 2085. My Legionaire can’t spend resources
on a 16 ton weight he can drop on people with his mind later.
2086. Qunari don’t take smiling damage. 2087. No matter what experience say, West
Virginians do not make the best Mythos Investigators. 2088. If I have to buy a second warehouse
to store all my spare magic weapons, time to retire the character.
2089. Even if it is a real way to kill somebody, I can’t burke the bad guy.
2090. The following are not real Cyberpunk festivals: Night City Comiccon, The Killit
Festival, Grenadeapalooza. 2091. Can’t just target the villain’s star
fighter, even if it’s the only one of its type in the battle.
2092. Before entering Denerim we don’t have to delouse the Dalish.
2093. Can’t trick the dragon into swallowing a shrunken dire porcupine and then ending
the spell while he swallows. 2094. Liechtenstein has no need for weapons
of mass destruction. 2095. Can’t trick the time travelling bad
guy into a shoot out with his past self. 2096. We aren’t looking at the various kingdoms’
tax rates before deciding where to dungeon crawl.
2097. Vecna was not the inventor of the organ donor card.
2098. Even if I took it with me with the full intention of using it, a manhole cover counts
as an improvised weapon. 2099. Since they don’t participate in the
Olympics, I can stop writing R’lyeh’s national anthem.
2100. No matter how big these sewers seem to be, we aren’t finding a Shipley’s Donuts
down here. 2101. There are more uses to ninjitsu than
just dodgin process servers. 2102. I will not make any plan that hinges
on the medicinal value of dire wombats. 2103. Even if he is Lawful Evil, the villain
isn’t going to respond to a jury summons. 2104. They don’t make civilian models of chain
guns. 2105. Infravision no longer works like thermographic
vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf by smearing myself with mud.
2106. You can’t crank start a warjack. 2107. Tharn aren’t allowed to take cooking
skills. 2108. Even if I have the model for her, Satyxis
can’t be disk jockeys. 2109. Doesn’t matter if he is a Son of Bragg,
“Hey Baby” is not a Trollkin mating call. 2110. Trollkin cannot puff out their chins
like frogs. 2111. Warjacks do not prefer bacon favored
coal. 2112. Khadorians primary weakness is not temperate
weather. 2113. I can’t saddle break: A dire troll,
a Kodiak warjack, or the Butcher. 2114. I can’t clear out a dungeon by just
throwning a ball down the entrance and telling the Nomad warjack to fetch.
2115. Just because the Nyss decided to become a fire sorceror doesn’t mean she hates her
parents. 2116. One does not just ‘whip up’ a priestess
of Loviator. 2117. I will not buy skills for weapons that
don’t exist yet. 2118. No more arguing over whether my Ogrun
looks more like Fabio or Lorenzo Lamas. 2119. The Ogrun language does not sound like
the Ewok victory song. 2120. Elves do not squirt ink out of their
nipples as a defense mechanism. 2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting
oil when threatened. 2122. The reason elves live in forests is
not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
2123. No regifting cursed items on Christmas. 2124. The DM will notice if the entire party
is named after the Houston Texans offensive line.
2125. No matter how close to lunch is it, halflings don’t have to save vs. cannibalism.
2126. There will be no more arguing on whether Eowyn could have killed MacBeth or McDuff
could have killed the Witch King. 2127. The following haircuts are forbidden
to Ogrun: Pompadour, Flock of Seagulls, TV’s Frank
2128. The elf punk has more options in her downtime than just accordian practice and
torture porn. 2129. I will refer to the other player’s sidekick
by her name and not just “Your make believe Chinese lesbian girlfriend.”
2130. My first priority in the Apocalypse is not finding a monster truck or finishing
my Lord Humongous costume. 2131. The Apocalypse was probably not caused
by Grips, Mimes or French Maids. 2132. Despite Hollywood’s claims, not all
renegade cops keep miniguns under their desks. 2133. If my starting Star Wars character is
immediately set upon by an escaped Rifts character, wadding up my character sheet and throwing
it at him is not an appropriate form of surrender. 2134. Before resorting to burlesque, we will
explore all other options on how to sneak past the security camera.
2135. I can’t make an acquisition test in the middle of combat to hire away the rival
Rogue Trader’s crew. 2136. I will not let the GM threaten me with
“Do your worst” if my character was based on Feyd-Rautha.
2137. Even if I am playing a Ravenwing marine, I have to get off the motorcycle eventually.
2138. If the game retcon’s my characters god, I will not start the orthodox faith of the
old version of the god. 2139. You can’t critically hit with a nuclear
weapon. 2140. Even if the rules allow it, you can’t
slip an object into a person’s pocket if the object is larger than the person.
2141. After clearing out the dungeon, I won’t animate all the dead orcs and leave behind
the copper pieces so the next party won’t be totally disappointed.
2142. No matter how many points I’ve put into Perform, I can’t use my mandolin as my sole
method of communication. 2143. Wishes have no effect on errata.
2144. I will stop referring to Satyxis as “two pointers.”
2145. Satyxis don’t shed their horns every fall like elk.
2146. Satyxis aren’t related to Qunari. 2147. There will be no more jokes about the
GM’s horny bikini wearing pirate chick fetish. 2148. When asking if I’m cross playing, they
didn’t mean if my character was Christ. 2149. You can’t plea bargain regicide.
2150. The cryokinetic’s default job is not to protect the cooler.
2151. Just because the dwarf hits name level doesn’t mean we owe him a bar mitzvah.
2152. Getting four guys each with a different 25% Mythos Lore doesn’t mean we win Call of
Cthulhu. 2153. The “fur” and “lust” domains shall never
meet. 2154. No reminding my lieutenant that “Neidermeyer”
can be used as a verb. 2155. Getting multiple entries in a game’s
first errata is not a badge of honor. 2156. Even if my metamagician has his twinned,
enhanced, empowered, maximized magic missile readied doesn’t mean I can tell people to
“make my day” 2157. Doesn’t matter if we all have different
costumes and names, the group is vetoed if its clear we’re all Thor.
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack
is fine, but not to form a chorus line. 2159. Just because my media only put the bare
minimum into his journalistic skills doesn’t mean he starts at MSNBC.
2160. The ability to calculate Thaco in your head does not increase attractiveness.
2161. Invoking Andre the Giant only works once to win an argument with the storyteller.
2162. Can requisition items nobody in the squad knows how to use.
2163. Before starting an underwear clad pillow fight, I must first make sure the party is
not all dwarves. 2164. There will be no further product placement
in the mission evaluation videos. 2165. To cut down on the number of Mexican
Standoffs, there is only one commissar allowed in the squad now.
2166. The Weeping Angels natural enemy is not the goldfish.
2167. The answer is never “Dwarven River Dance”. 2168. No starting a bidding war during character
creation to see who the Pet NPC likes best. 2169. Can’t use a water gun to make the Aslan
follow orders. 2170. Step 1 in the party’s preparation for
the quest is not a mani/pedi. 2171. Can’t reduce the difficulty of an autopsy
check by skipping the ‘put everything back where you found it’ step.
2172. Even if its beneficial, no changing the number of limbs on a character without
the other player’s consent. 2173. Better benefits doesn’t justify alignment
conflicts with an organization. 2174. If another PC dies, no bonus xp for
going through all 7 stages of grief before the end of the session.
2175. It’s best we don’t let the paladin anywhere near customs.
2176. Even if calling out characters for critical hits is encouraged, no talking the crit hit
monster into naming his character Skjor. 2177. Plan A is not send in the Doom Reaver
and wait for the screams to stop. 2178. Despite what you think, the profession:
Dentist can’t substitute for the interrogation skill.
2179. My Werebear can’t hibernate through the boring expository parts at the beginning.
2180. Even if I can justify a Viking with a maxed out legal skill, that doesn’t give
him a law degree. 2181. Druids don’t practice dental hygiene
by having small birds pick their teeth clean. 2182. Mechalus are not just Borg with better
PR. 2183. Distract the bad guy does not mean with
a called shot to his appendix. 2184. No hacking the target megacorp to put
out a recall notice for their security’s firearms. 2185. Despite it’s tremendous cost to benefit
ratio, bubblewrap is not a staple of black ops.
2186. My character in an Anthro RPG is meant to be a anime furry cliche, not an escapee
from Looney Toons. 2187. No matter how many examples I can give,
a flamethrower cannot boost morale. 2188. The primary use of a Druid’s nature
lore is not to learn the mating calls of various fey creatures.
2189. The 2nd Book of Gretsky appears nowhere in the Canadian Bible.
2190. Can’t take Energy Blast with infinite range and the ability to shoot through the
TV and just channel surf the news. 2191. When challenged by a Dwarf King, I can’t
pick basketball. 2192. The villain will eventually notice the
train tracks are starting to point straight at his front door.
2193. Inspire Courage is a great super power, unless you use it to get hordes of innocent
bystanders to bum rush the super villain. 2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a
town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.
2195. “Bladder Control” is not an appropriate super hero power.
2196. When listing the advantages of elves to the new player, I will leave off “shatter
proof”. 2197. Rings of Fire Resistance offer no protection
from rug burn. 2198. When the villain is hiding from us,
just can’t call him on his cell. 2199. No animal companions come in their prehistoric
version. 2200. If I just cast 17 fire spells in the
Druid’s Sacred Grove and a simple “Sorry” isn’t going to cut it.
2201. Just because they don’t have rules for them, Canadians can still be companions for
the Doctor. 2202. When I take watch, everybody must wake
up with the same number of limbs as they went to sleep with.
2203. Even if the rules allow it, the spell Command: Summarize can’t speed up the plot
exposition. 2204. The restriction on guns extends to all
buildings used for higher education. 2205. The commissar will not be pleased if
our entire plan is 1. Ask for a Baneblade. 2. Roll low.
2206. Create a distraction doesn’t mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance.
2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.
2208. My favored enemy must be more than just “Claire”.
2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance.
2210. I will remember that if any samurai sounds like Takeshi Shimura, we will all end
up sounding like Takeshi Shimura. 2211. If I have to change my samurai’s voice,
I will pick something that doesn’t make him sound like a native of Guadalajara.
2212. The DM doesn’t want to hear about the pointlessness of framing an aasimar paladin
for murder. 2213. In the middle of a black ops the target’s
elevator music selection is off limits. 2214. Deer season is restricted to rifles
or bows, not brass knuckles. 2215. Despite what the rules imply, multiple
held actions do not interfere with the flow of time.
2216. Can’t spot the paladin hiding in the thieves guild by looking for the guy breaking
out in hives. 2217. Multi-classing to a fighter/mage/thief
is fine. A fighter/mage/thief/Reagan Democrat is not.
2218. We don’t have to consult a neurologist every time somebody fails a paralysis save.
2219. No casting haste on the fighter while he sleeps to see how long it takes him to
notice all the new gray hair. 2220. No using every possible special rule
for combat in the very first fight of the campaign.
2221. If a conjured monster does exceptionally well in combat, I can’t ask him for a resume.
2222. The Find Traps spell doesn’t work on dating websites.
2223. Stone of flesh spells are banned in all major art galleries.
2224. Anesthetic is not just for sissies. 2225. Personal effects are enough to prove
we stopped the villain. No more bringing back his zombified corpse.
2226. The concept of vowels are not alien to dwarves.
2227. The first thing you do in Bangkok after clearing customs is not make an alignment
check. 2228. No asking the elf how they make it to
1000 years old with such a crappy fortitude save.
2229. It’s Thieves Cant. Not Illegalize. 2230. Even if we were told to use all of it,
can’t use the extra explosives for public displays of affection to my girlfriend.
2231. The spell is called Dancing Lights, not Detect Epilepsy.
2232. When discussing examples of target sizes, there will be no mention of areolas.
2233. Cause Disease doesn’t let you pick the diseased caused, so I can stop reading the
symptoms of Kuru. 2234. No abusing homonyms.
2235. Just because Orlais doesn’t have a Shogun, doesn’t mean I can declare myself one.
2236. Even if it would be awesome in real life, Immunity: Bureaucracy is not an acceptable
super power. 2237. Christian Baleful Polymorph is not a
real spell. 2238. The Returning ability on magical weapons
doesn’t let me make a fortune at pawn shops. 2239. Under no circumstances is modern art
purchases coming out of the team fund. 2240. Though there are many to ways to become
a god, buying a Gibson Les Paul and maxing out the perform skill isn’t one of them.
2241. “Fantastic in the sheets” is not an appropriate character focus.
2242. Even if the rules allow it, no asking a Dread Destroyer for favors.
2243. Buying the crew the best quality underwear in the sector isn’t going to increase moral.
2244. On second thought, rhythm guitar isn’t an appropriate focus for a bard.
2245. Ammunition is not just for closers. 2246. No basing our epic powered superhero
group in Terre Haute. 2247. If even if the rules allow it, no trading
in our laser guns for muskets to play Sharpe’s Rifles IN SPACE!!!
2248. No abusing union bylaws to exploit holes in security.
2249. Even if I take the Total Recall trait, I can’t remember all quarter million crew
on my ship by their first name. 2250. Even if I haven’t had anything to do
for several hours, no updating Facebook in the middle of a Black Ops.
2251. No calling a city councilman to settle an argument about dwarves.
2252. When a dwarf goes to the surface for the first time, I can’t cast levitate on him.
2253. Gandolf never had a lavender phase. 2254. Covering myself in mud doesn’t make
me invisible to the elf. 2255. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t
delete the guards we killed from their HR database.
2256. I cannot play anything with a blowhole. 2257. Even if my character is Welsh, his name
has to include vowels. 2258. If the middle of a Black Ops can’t call
a lot of long distance phone sex numbers and just leave their phones off the hook.
2259. Even if I am allowed to design my own gun, I can’t make a .314 Magnum Pistol.
2260. My Qunari cannot join the Church of Giantology.
2261. No picking a god based solely on the number of paid religious holidays they offer.
2262. If we’re level 1, we can’t blow up the planet.
2263. The rune stones did not just say the princess needs to get naked.
2264. Even if my character is from Chicago, he still only gets one vote in party matters.
2265. I will remember any use of the Perform: Burlesque skill is going require a full turn
for my bard to get dressed again. 2266. Immunity to blast damage does not help
against the fallout of another player’s stupidity. 2267. When the GM says I can have any weapon
classified as archaic, that doesn’t include trebuchets.
2268. When in the presence of a god is not the best time to bring up the topic of reformation.
2269. Can’t switch religions in the middle of a game.
2270. No auctioning off my faith between the various temples.
2271. No converting to religions from other games.
2272. The paladin does not have to run a background check on new PCs before they join the group.
2273. Can’t pick a religion based solely on the greatest number of sexual positions allowed.
2274. I am not transelven. 2275. Disguising the party as Cygnarans requires
more than just buying a whole bunch of goggles. 2276. I will not name my character Bab Thaco.
2277. If the king says he will reimburse our expenses, no turning the mission into an epic
continent spanning quest. 2278. Especially if the original missions
was “kill all the goblins in this cave.” 2279. No abusing the thaumaturgy spell by
slamming doors in the face of missionaries, inventing the clapper, or constantly impersonating
BRIAN BLESSED. 2280. We aren’t starting 5th edition by finding
Elminster in the shower wondering about 4th edition.
2281. Bring the goblins to justice doesn’t mean knocking all of them out and marching
them back for a public apology. 2282. Our first encounter can’t end with me
hugging a bugbear tell him how much I missed him.
2283. There is no such thing as a Belt of Norwegification.
2284. I am not assigning that 18 I just rolled to my necromancer’s charisma.
2285. I will remember the basic set is still incomplete and ignore all the “under construction”
signs. 2286. Can only pick two of the following for
my character: dwarf beserker, battering ram, fireproof, light source.
2287. We are not using the dwarf’s back hair to make any of the following: rope, sweater,
quilt, hot air balloon. 2288. I will not force the rookie to pick
sides in the eternal banded mail debate. 2289. Even if the breakup was bad, naming
my ex as my ranger’s favored enemy puts out a creepy stalker vibe.
2290. Even if the rules allow it, my gladiator’s starting weapons cannot be the trident and
bagpipes. 2291. Even if he is “a mysterious entity whose
nature is utterly foreign to the fabric of reality” Andy Kaufman does not count as a
Great Old One. 2292. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t
have proficiency in every skill by level 6. 2293. No casting Guards & Wards in the houses
of people who annoy me. 2294. I will stop casting Awaken on the other
party members’ horses. 2295. If even if they are half the cost of
warhorses, can’t just by elephants for the entire party.
2296. My gnome won’t drunk call the Elf MkII that didn’t make the cut in the new edition.
2297. When asked for typical barbarian settings, I can’t suggest Camden N. J.
2298. The bond “ex-husband” can’t be applied to every female character in the party.
2299. I will stop assuming all Drow know Drizzt. 2300. It’s cute when you train your hamster
to attack their eyes. Your weasel not so cute. 2301. Even if the rules allow it, the entire
party can’t be all raised by the same wolf. 2302. The party’s mutual bond can’t be “former
members of the Funky Bunch.” 2303. I can’t bribe the dwarf with an offer
of putting him up for stud. 2304. Kissing up to a dragon until he gives
us a minor trouble is acceptable, slapping us with a restraining order not so much.
2305. Can’t use the Summon Monster spell to redefine the term “Trolling someone”
2306. 12 degrees of success on my charm test doesn’t automatically earn me a commissarial
backrub. 2307. Successfully grappling the roper doesn’t
let me use him to play double dutch with the thief.
2308. Even if the rules allow it, no using plaid colored light spells to to mess with
the guard’s perception of movement. 2309. If I challenge Death to a game, picking
Campaign for North Africa doesn’t ensure immortality. 2310. Despite what the rules say, a ghille
suit does not make me invisible in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.
2311. No matter what it would do to his spell casting chances, I can’t cast shrink on the
necromancer’s undies. 2312. You can only make so many called shots
to the groin until it’s an alignment check. 2313. “Athletic Scholarship” is not an acceptable
excuse to take the sage background for my half orc barbarian.
2314. After cleaning out their lair, I can’t put all the newly petrifried medusas in my
front yard as decorations. 2315. I will not finish any sentence containing
the phrase ‘Blink Ferrets.” 2316. Need to stop coming up with excuses
to keep referencing page 73 of the Dungeoneer’s Survival Guide.
2317. No matter how rude it was, I will keep all my interactions with the magic mouth at
the entry of the dungeon PG-13. 2318. Even if the rules allow it, no dual
wielding lances. 2319. Just because it’s legal to dual wield
quarterstaves, tieing two together does not give me dire-nunchucks.
2320. My rogue will accept the fact he can backstab a tridrone, even if it doesn’t have
a back to stab. 2321. We aren’t using Rosie O’Donnel for a
unit of measurement for any aspect of a warjack. 2322. Yes the Demolition Corps has a dress
uniform, no it’s not steam powered. 2323. Just because I bought my dice bag at
the Vatican doesn’t mean my dice are Catholic. 2324. Despite the book’s claim, using a double
negative in the Protectorate of Menoth doesn’t bring down a death sentence.
2325. Before making my last wish, I will make sure everybody in the party actually wants
patagia. 2326. My woad clad Pict will stop calling
the lady knight critical of chainmail bikinis an overdressed prude.
2327. Just because acid is considered a damage type and alkaline isn’t doesn’t mean the DM
has a Ph imbalance. 2328. Just because damage is non-lethal doesn’t
mean I can keep beating him for hours. 2329. Gurahl come in grizzly, kodiak and polar
varieties. Not drop. 2330. Wife’s side of the family is not an
acceptable choice for favored enemy. 2331. Even if it’s a gladiator campaign, we
can’t all be Spartacus. 2332. When asked why the Feywild isn’t in
the campaign, “self inflicted nuclear holocaust” isn’t the right answer.
2333. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t have a clockwork kidney.
2334. This goes double for a steam powered liver.
2335. While it is customary to initiate a duel by striking with a gauntlet, it is also
customary to do it at subsonic speeds. 2336. I will make sure any minor summoning
spell gets us a lesser elemental and not jailbait. 2337. I will not use summon spells just for
sticking somebody else with the check. 2338. Even if the rules allow it, we can’t
be Space Ogre Ninjas. 2339. When providing pistols for a duel, they
both can’t be fingerprint locked just to me. 2340. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t
spend my xp to turn the crapsack setting into a functional Randian utopia.
2341. Liechtenstein doesn’t have a challenge rating.
2342. Pendragon is not the best game to test Darwin’s theories on survival of the fittest.
2343. I can’t spend all my starting points on concubines.
2344. Every time the catgirl fails a skill check, I won’t spritz her with the water bottle
as punishment. 2345. I can’t use the catgirl’s tongue to
remove paint from metal. 2346. Even if my character’s lifespan is in
centuries, I can’t just pour salt water over the lock and just wait.
2347. I also can’t spend all my character points on one just really awesome concubine.
2348. I will stop asking the Jesuit to teach me kung fu moves.
2349. No finding industrial uses for Darkspawn. 2350. Step one of every plan can’t just be
“Set them all on fire” 2351. Even if my druid is immune to poison
doesn’t mean he can chug bleach with impunity. 2352. Can’t clear out the dungeon with just
engineering checks. 2353. I will not test the DM’s knowledge on
the rules for hypothermia, heat stroke or dysentery.
2354. No more bringing more rule books to the game than the GM owns.
2355. Can’t bribe a dragon with belly rubs. 2356. There is no such thing as medicinal
melange. 2357. 4Chan does not cause more sanity loss
than Cthulhu. 2358. Just because the new edition is light
on magic items doesn’t mean I have to go through withdrawal.
2359. Even if we all conspired to do it, it’s my fault if the characters’ names form a Jewish
folk song. 2360. I can’t spend all of my share of the
loot on flamethrowers. 2361. I don’t get bulk discounts when buying
armies. 2362. I can’t devote an entire deck of the
battle cruiser to just my mistress. 2363. Drug tests can’t detect potions of speed.
2364. I should stop asking the Lady of Pain to RSVP.
2365. Even if it’s the simple and and obvious solution to the module, we aren’t beating
the adventure with lesbianism. 2366. The following are not acceptable seconds
in a duel: Space Marine Chapter Masters, Intelligent Dancing Vorpal Swords, Prussia.
2367. The rulebook wasn’t kidding about needing 5,000 people to hijack a Star Destroyer.
2368. Even if the entire party is in total agreement, we aren’t stopping the game to
call the writer and correct his Texas history. 2369. If the villain doesn’t have a phobia
of the blue footed boobie, I can’t give him one.
2370. I will keep the amount of sexual innuendo to a minimum in the autopsy report.
2371. Even if I sew them into a serape, I can’t wear two magical capes at once.
2372. The Control Water spell is not for spontaneous wet t-shirt contests.
2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot.
2374. While Perform: Spoken word is an acceptable skill for a bard, Perform: Scat is not.
2375. I will remember the whole acid spray ability before I cause the Company Chaplain
to spit take. 2376. The Dwarven work ethic is not just “Dig
until we hit evil.” 2377. When granted a wish use it to unsink
the continent the immortals just destroyed. 2378. When making a wish granted by said immortals,
I will leave out the words “you incompetent pricks.”
2379. Can’t just use a wish to turn Strahd back to a human.
2380. No weaponizing the Talisman of Pure Good.
2381. Just because they can’t be the target of raise dead spells doesn’t mean elves have
no soul. 2382. In the middle of a black ops can’t organize
a skeet shoot with office furniture. 2383. When challenging Death to a game, GMing
Paranoia doesn’t grant immortality. 2384. Raise Dead spells are not just for closers.
2385. Doesn’t matter where you hit him, you can’t set a bard to shuffle.
2386. There is no such thing as gnomeophobia. 2387. I will not give anybody an unreasonable
fear of gnomes. 2388. No matter how high my damage resistance
is, I can’t name my dwarf Tanky McTankitytank. 2389. Despite the ridiculously short lifespans,
3rd level doesn’t count as epic level for Atruaghins.
2390. The plan is not just let the villain beat on the dwarf until his arm gets tired.
2391. If I’m the druid I can’t put protestant down as my religion.
2392. The teleporting spiders attacking us are not just going through a phase.
2393. The natural enemy of the elf is not the common cold.
2394. No wasting wishes trying to bring ultravision back to the game.
2395. No picking the only form of travel the DM isn’t familiar with.
2396. Traveling by sculling is nowhere near as cool as it sounds.
2397. Any character named Jim Katta is going to be taken from me and burned.
2398. The Fereldan rules of succession are not just “Two men enter, one man leaves.”
2399. When looking for a template to make a creature deadlier, “Australian” is not a
legitimate choice. 2400. Just because I have the technology,
doesn’t mean I need to make him better. 2401. Just because there are no rules for
the bec de corbin, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
2402. No starting wars over the what’s the best pole arm.
2403. Can’t give a shout out in a ransom note. 2404. I can’t bet Grazz’t my soul in a showdown
over a golden oboe. 2405. Cleaning out all eleven of the Caves
of Chaos in a single night is not what they mean by a dungeon crawl.
2406. I can’t save money on identify spells by just having random peasants do a blind
taste test on these potions I found. 2407. I can’t save points on learning a new
language by just learning only the profanity. 2408. The advantage “Friends in High Places”
cannot be represented by Johnny Walker Blue. 2409. My wish cannot include the words “and,
additional, furthermore” or any synonyms thereof. 2410. Our posse can’t resemble an 80’s British
glam band without an explanation. 2411. The most dangerous weapon is not an
Upeo Wa Macho and her construction equipment. 2412. Yes, they are the perfect solution to
all our deep one problems. No we can’t have depth charges.
2413. The barbarian can still berserk even if he hasn’t had his morning coffee.
2414. Offering to buy the hostage I just rescued a new arm is not sufficient enough of an apology.
2415. Vargyr do not have the flaw Ancestral Enemy: United States Postal Service.
2416. No convincing Rahasia he’s just not that worth it.
2417. Bargle the Infamous is not under a “Protection from Continuity” spell.
2418. If the quest is to retrieve a magical genie bottle, no shaking it up before handing
it back over. 2419. I am required to tell the DM if the
secret villain of the adventure is revealed on the back synopsis of the module screen.
2420. You can’t teach a parrot Power Word Kill.
2421. There is no danger from explosive decompression in teleporting a duergar directly to the surface.
2422. You better believe wearing a mu-mu to the coronation gets you searched for halflings.
2423. If the party is black tie only, that doesn’t mean just painted on the power armor.
2424. Even if she is a soul sucking creature of unholy darkness, the cleric can’t turn
my ex-wife. 2425. My necromancer is not in charge of inhuman
resources. 2426. Cleaning out the dungeon doesn’t involve
dressing up like ghosts and trying to scare them out.
2427. The positive energy plane doesn’t charge a cover charge.
2428. Not allowed to see if its possible to drown someone in a barrel filled with healing
potions. 2429. Can’t apply the holy avenger traits
to siege weapons. 2430. The halfling wizard can’t exploit the
short rest rules by abusing the use of a papoose. 2431. A mandingo is not an Australian lycanthrope.
2432. If I have to guard the AV-8 during the black ops, no entertaining myself with the
PA system, ejection seat or cluster munitions. 2433. I can’t fill my yard with adventurer
shaped statues to convince people it’s a Medusa lair so they fight me with their eyes closed.
2434. When I’m told a giant version of a creature is acceptable for my animal companion, that
doesn’t include the tortoise. 2435. Using dogs to keep late watch is fine,
howler monkeys not so much. 2436. I will not be the sole reason Carnivale
is canceled this year. 2437. If another player’s character has all
the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, a Cure Disease spell won’t help.
2438. Not starting the adventure until we have exactly one elf in the party is not Tolkienism.
2439. Pointing out the gun will break the character’s shoulder if fired in that position
is not they meant as a trigger warning. 2440. Scots do not go up faster in direct
sunlight faster than vampires. 2441. My Rogue Trader’s crew will notice if
she left out Savior Pods to make room for a bigger shoe closet.
2442. Firepower is not an appropriate substitute for the Fellowship stat.
2443. We are not sneaking into the Golden Throne disguised as a documentary crew.
2444. No, I really don’t want to know the Profit Factor cost for insurance on my Grand
Cruiser is. 2445. When facing the terrasque can’t just
gate in a black ball and sit back and watch. 2446. No complaining after the black ball
takes out the terrasque when it starts doing donuts on the treasure pile.
2447. No threatening the aboleth with telling the Cajun restaurant his location.
2448. Acererak doesn’t care about the Tomb of Horror’s Yelp rating.
2449. Even if my musketeer just tore Richelieu from the French throne, I didn’t just break
the Cardinal rule. 2450. If the Storyteller gives me a drama
die at about 70 mph and aimed at my face, it wasn’t a compliment.

100 comments on “Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed to do in a RPG #1-2450 Reading Compilation”

  1. Wu the Second says:

    wow… 3h…

  2. MR_Zoren says:

    wow just wow you read for 3 h just for us ? nice ;D

  3. Scott Hamilton says:

    Been looking forward to this for so long. Great to see everything all in one video!

  4. Zarl Salimanders Space Marine says:

    love it good job !

  5. Freakish Uproar says:

    This is a three hour video of Eastside Steve reading out banned Dungeons & Dragons character traits and stats. I just thought that was worth typing out loud.

  6. american phoenix says:

    I'm sad to see this run end but it was fun no matter how many times I almost wrecked

  7. heather Gray says:

    Woohoo! A compilation! Thank you.

  8. heather Gray says:

    Aww.. I don't get it😕

  9. dither says:

    4 MONTHS IN THE MAKING
    WOOOOOO!!!!!

  10. Dank Smol says:

    I could beat his ass in a game!…. Not really Id lose

  11. boboriginal says:

    Lol this is awesome thanks.

  12. Araghothe The Primordial Dragon says:

    I desperately want to play with this guy.

  13. Project Alpha 04 says:

    This made me laugh alot

  14. Jason Jernigan says:

    ceremonial whoop-ass stick oh my God that's great

  15. Xavier Lusby says:

    MY DYING WORDS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE "HASTUR, HASTUR, HASTUR"

  16. Eric Kulp says:

    yes there is! but you need a Gunstar to do it hahahah

  17. Mara Sol says:

    I just didn't having glue what talking abo.what shame .

  18. Martina Martixia says:

    è una vera merda

  19. Noah Harwood says:

    How long did t take to aubtitle the video?

  20. pubby says:

    fuck is this
    i just searched
    'Pizza taste ez gouda cheese
    errbodu usin cleekb8
    My cat is doing a ritual in my closet' and this game up

  21. Gisko says:

    Speedhack 10/10 lrpm

  22. михас 2501 Новороссийск says:

    я подписан на твой канал а ты подпишись на мой канал и напиши в коментарии я подписан на твой канал

  23. Евгений Чумак says:

    чё

  24. borderlands10 says:

    Stumpy McLuncher, eh? I played a Cyberpunk 2020 campaign where the GM had a super NPC named Jabronie, Jabronie got his ass handed to him and nearly died by a katana wielding black ninja named Black Thunder. Unfortunately, Black Thunder got his mid-section torn in two by Jabronie's massive hands.

  25. You're about to sound dumb , watch! says:

    How the hell did I get here ?

  26. Swagsito ! says:

    like si hablas español xdxd

  27. Eric Hill says:

    I'm not an RPG person and I found this entirely randomly and it's the funniest thing I've seen in a while.

  28. Iwo Hamberg says:

    searched for:
    6S5 Portable 100 Db Speaker, Mini Mushroom Speaker, Best Loud Portable Speaker With Fm Radio,
    How the fuq did I get here?

  29. Chopper Chibix says:

    "My Mossad agent's battlecry is not 'Torah Torah Torah'."
    IS THAT A MOTHERFUCKING JOJO'S REFERENCE????????

  30. Edward says:

    Dr. Bright's list but longer.

  31. Samael Terringam says:

    omfg. glorious

  32. Daniel von Strangle says:

    What is this? Where am I?

    WHAT IS GOING ON?!

  33. Brother Malachai says:

    Who is Mr. Welch?

  34. ВиДеО БуМ ЛаПа says:

    Я одна здесь руская?

  35. CHarles Vitanza says:

    Eastside, you lost it so much in this one.

  36. Yoninah Yisrael says:

    Well, he was the life of the LARPing party…🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃😂😂😂😂😂😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😲😂😂🙋🙋🙋

  37. Yoninah Yisrael says:

    Xavier Lusby 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 PLEASE HAVE SEVERAL SEATS AND NEVER SAY THAT BITCH ASS NIGGAS NAME AGAIN… THEM BITCHES EXIST FOR REAL AND HAVE SHOWED UP TO ME BEFORE… THEM FUCKING BITCHES COME DOWN THROUGH THE LIGHTNING!!!!! 😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

  38. Yoninah Yisrael says:

    that creepy half elf cartoon is hilarious!!!! Mr. Welch looks comically cool too.

  39. Yoninah Yisrael says:

    Yeah skip right past that mythos of horrors… He needs to have several seats on that matter, though…. Fuck all them bitch ass "Ancient Ones"… Evil in the raw ass muthafuckas…

  40. Gentleman Heavy says:

    Welp now that I've found this, I have a fairly sizable checklist for my next few tabletop games!

  41. Collin Powell says:

    I wanted a "My arch nemesis can't be the space pope."

  42. Abscence of God says:

    The fuck is up with this video's like to dislike ratio?

  43. hurshid abdullaev says:

    Здджрпг

  44. Gentleman Heavy says:

    sits eagerly with a note pad and pen making a To Do list

  45. Stewartsaurus says:

    What's the name of that SCP scientist that has a dog head.

  46. Thomas Riley says:

    1241. As the catfolk ninja, I beg to differ.

  47. Soulaymane Elebrahimi says:

    ……..

  48. Robin das Rotkehlchen says:

    Ähm bist du es Minzschatten?

  49. TheLocalTechPriest says:

    >”House Kurita MechWarriors do not appreciate pictures of Godzilla on their cockpit windows” (or something to that effect)

    Oh, this guy DEFINITELY knows his BattleTech… XDDDD

  50. Derfy Mercier says:

    Qui est ici grace au rire jaune?😂

  51. Roy B says:

    a lot of these describe my gnome. Somehow my DM made me out to be a necrophiliac according to popular belief by everyone in the story.

  52. Insanity Inc. Michelle Whorff says:

    "Smartass is not a character role." Damn!

  53. warjames1 says:

    my new goal in life: to break all of these rules in one sitting (only in regular DnD)

  54. Christopher Olinger says:

    1:46:00 Screw those lumps, I'd totally invite the great race of yith over for dinner with the folks. They could learn a thing or two about cooking from my ma.

  55. Jeremy Smith says:

    As a point of fact ridding armor is crotchless.

  56. Мини Котик says:

    Мне позвонили я боюсь 😔😔😣😭🤕

  57. kissarmyrules says:

    I'm 2h in so far, I've been watching this periodically while I do morning prep for my restaurant. I've choked on my drink on two separate occasions with how rediculously funny some of these are. They were the flash bangs to trick or treaters, and the bard challenging every passing minstrel to a round of dueling banjos

  58. yellowpig 10 says:

    who else wants to see a game with mr welch and old man henderson

  59. Dr. Limbo says:

    3h 20min well spent, I regret nothing and I'll definitely do it again! Good readings man 😀

  60. SH4D0W says:

    Why does this have so many dislikes?

  61. Eastside Show SCP says:

    I did a new reading of Mr. Welch from numbers 2450-2500. You can check it out here! https://youtu.be/rmZzTfglcbU

  62. PRGME7 says:

    My god he's the rpg dr. Bright

  63. Edward says:

    Drowning everyone at once: Heroic. Drowning one at a time: Allignment Check. Why?

  64. Sanguinius on vacation says:

    note . Jedi cannot parry a shotgun blast , or a slug thrower shot . it works on blasters because of the energy field around the Saber . slug throwers are a favorite of Bounty hunters for this reason .

  65. Louis Castano says:

    Which one is Mr. Welch?

  66. Sanguinius on vacation says:

    if heavy bolters don't come with pistol grips then someone needs to tell Pedro Kantor

  67. Sanguinius on vacation says:

    sneaking into the golden throne ! over my already dead body

  68. SUPER SMASH BRUHS says:

    I just played with doux im fatface

  69. Joey Slitheryn Crying says:

    Hate. Christian Family. Boy Meets world. 1952-1995

  70. Sanguinius on vacation says:

    "this is my magic "murder bag " -H.K.

  71. Daleksaresupreme1 says:

    is this the same mr Welch who runs the youtube channel about the mystara setting?

  72. Dr. Limbo says:

    If your phazor can't be set to "annoy", what's the freaking point in owning one… 🙁

  73. Gizmo says:

    who is mr welch ?

  74. Emmanuel DA MOTA says:

    goulou

  75. Sanya Grindei says:

    6601

  76. Jim Bobway says:

    What the fuck is this

  77. Louis Castano says:

    What if Dr. Bright is just an RPG character created by Mr. Welch playing a nonanamolous Dr. Wondertainment's 'The Foundation'? It'd make a whole lotta sense.

  78. Karl Miller says:

    Damn take all the fun out of it💥🤪

  79. Cheng Zhou says:

    Who is Mr. Welch

  80. the ender destruction says:

    I did a DnD game once and i had no idea and DM just made my character the main villains father when she was winning my character effectively grounded her XD yeah i don't think that DM knew what they were doing tbh

  81. Dr. Limbo says:

    13:16 Quick question; Have you seen the Yellow Sign?

  82. Cheng Zhou says:

    I got to the end… holy smokes

  83. Jahmad James says:

    Blue wizard needs food badly

  84. Виктор Васильев says:

    Its easy method… Why should you buy resources? When You can receive It For Free From Here MINIWORLD . IHACK . CO

  85. Rose Nightshade says:

    XD he is on the level of Dr.Bright and what he can't do at the foundation

  86. Patrick Wise says:

    1170: If the rules contradict Isaac Newton, Newton wins.

    That rule would be a real bitch if you're playing Spelljammer or Planescape.

  87. DamienJ McCracken says:

    #I Will Not be Seen as a Say'once Too Big for an AirBus…
    #I Will Not Be Seen as a Coalmining Fuel Smoulder!!! hahaha ✌

  88. DamienJ McCracken says:

    My Styrophoam Can Not Be Seen as a Million Reasons to Travel Above Ocean

  89. DamienJ McCracken says:

    Every Rainbow Ive Ever Owned comes with 20000 leagues Under the Kookoo's Nest and a Free Spinal Tap, No Questions Unless Tiggy Means Snap the Puffer

  90. DamienJ McCracken says:

    Dog Only Means The Guise When Our Rain Check Wrote It And It Came Back Bouncin with IT Itself

  91. DamienJ McCracken says:

    Daisy Duck Doesnt Mean Chopsticks Its Just the Non Wrinkly Sleaves, A Legend Wont Require 1440 Minutes Worth of Wax to Share any Flicks of Our Very Own, CCTV is a Safer Pommel to Scap A Norm and Sponge it Like Wella, Mwah Anyone lol

  92. DamienJ McCracken says:

    A Dwarf Really has Special Powers How Else Ludo, Bergasse Never Sues Unless Emoji Is Hungary For Snap, Yes Vlad Means Count if You Can See Thackery In Both Sides & Not the Tail Shaft of Roo Shue Called Din Dins

  93. DamienJ McCracken says:

    Excellante Stuff 😂😂😂 Thankyou With Creed… Celery Is Never to Be Seen as a Revolutionary Stomach Thermometric Or Any Mountain of Stolen Wax To Rub the Rope For Whammy Lucks

  94. DamienJ McCracken says:

    #Harmonicas are None of ya Private Business nor a Knawed Sense of Replacing the Buns with Something Stiff & Stringy Savoury Style Down The Middle, Doctor Rhymes With Huckle Knot

  95. DamienJ McCracken says:

    Gold Digger Doesnt Stand for Anything Its Purely A Distance Memory

  96. DamienJ McCracken says:

    Closet Shouldnt Be Held Against The Grain If Its So Warm You Dont NOTICE IT Hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha

  97. DamienJ McCracken says:

    I Ride Bikes But Bruised Cheeks Has Nothing to do With the Pumps

  98. DamienJ McCracken says:

    Nook & Cranny is Something My Noona Packed In My Split Suitcase When I Put My First Trace of Van Deiman Into a Tetris Snaffle

  99. DamienJ McCracken says:

    Attila The Hun was A Woman who Just Wanted a Husband and Butch is an Aphrodyke In Gel Form POST READY SET GOO 😂😂😂

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