What To Reject When You’re Expecting: Pain Management

If there’s one thing all pregnant women
know it’s that you literally can’t take a piss without someone giving you unwanted
advice. I bet you’re weeing a lot right now, that’s
because of hormonal- From colleagues, family, friends not to mention random strangers on the street and my own Facebook page… It seems like ever since I announced my pregnancy, everyone in my life has been trying to sell me something. They presumably mean well- I just want the best for the mother of my child But sometimes meaning well can still be really, profoundly annoying. What is that? It’s refreshing labour spray mist! And what precisely is that supposed to do?? It empowers a positive pregnancy and birthing
experience. Plus revives and hydrates your skin! What do you need?? My skin’s really dehydrated! That’s my main problem right now! Somehow I think when the time comes, I’m
going to want something more… I just think it’s important that you understand
the benefits of a natural birth. I hear that a lot. 7 Benefits of Natural Childbirth / 11 Biggest
Benefits of Natural Birth And of course if that’s your speed well,
power to you. But if you think choosing a “natural”
birth means you’ll avoid piles of ridiculous products, naturally, you’d be wrong. Of course, you’ll need something to deal
with the intolerable pain of labour. Exactly, like…a drug- Drug free homeopathic birthing kit. What?! This helps with everything. From the intolerable
pain of labour … to when you have a desire for cold drinks! Get it out of my house. There’s a solution in here for all
your pain needs! Arnica … to make labour faster and less
painful Caulophyllum to prevent early labour. Hypericum to repair nerve damage after a caesarian
Oh for fu- And Staphysagria for healing the caesarean incision or episiotomy. Thank you, now why don’t you put
that in the bin and then set the bin on fire. Look if you want to use a product that doesn’t
work for a cold, go for it, but don’t use one for your episiotomy. What is that? Google it. …don’t. What if the baby is in breech? You’ll need
Moxibustion Smokeless Rolls Oh god no They’re great! I light them up and hold them near your
little toenails and that turns the baby around! Moxibustion is a traditional Chinese therapy
that involves burning herbs close to the skin. Cochrane Library says there’s only limited
evidence it can correct a breech presentation and that evidence should be interpreted with caution. And then there are other studies that say it doesn’t work at all At least the Moxibustion rolls are smokeless, I guess. Relatively smokeless. Relative to what? Vesuvius? Shane Warne? One of those smoking monkeys? I know! It’s better to use the power
of your mind to “encourage your baby to turn from the breech position using hypnosis” with
hypnobirthing. If I have to use my own mind, why
am I paying for it? You know that it is in this hallway that you
will find the answers that you seek within yourself. Because this hallway is YOU. My mind is sending me a very powerful signal
not to buy this. Ok that’s fine. I made a special track for
you. (singing)
Turn baby turn! Look, some women may find hypnosis helpful
for pain relief, and that’s great, but in terms of turning my baby upside down in the
womb it sounds like bull- What the hell are you doing? This will make you less quarrelsome. Why are you bombarding me with all this advice?? It’s not your body! But I’m wearing my Empathy Belly! You know what’d make me less quarrelsome? Food. Ooh, no snacks – I’ll never get my pre empathy
belly body back. Um, for my cravings? Oh for you! It can be hard to block out unwanted
pregnancy advice and products. But it’s your body, and your wallet. So if evidence and effectiveness matters to
you, there’s a lot to reject when you’re expecting. One Cravings Special, just as Madame likes
it! Ice-cream, pickles and blue playdough! Ummm…. What did I forget? Ooh the spiders! I’ll be back in a jiff! He always forgets the spiders.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *